tw for body image/dysmorphia, eating disorder — this is a raw, honest combination of thoughts that I have had & I, in no way, condone them or fatphobia — part of dismantling is admitting & some days are great and some days are not
every day, I pinch the fat on my body hoping that it will magically disappear
my bra never seems to fit properly and my jeans are either too loose or too tight
I blame the fashion industry for its inconsistent sizing, yet I gaslight myself into believing that this is just a poor excuse for my failure in achieving the perfect body
I still find myself in Zara, crying in the fitting room, pushing myself to skip dessert so I can fit into these pants that I am going to buy even though they are too small
I feel conscious of my body when someone takes a picture of me while I am sitting, but I feel conscious of my body when someone takes a picture of me while I am standing
meanwhile, my friends post thirst traps with their jaws snatched and their stomachs flat and I am not sure if I am happy for them
I wish that I did not feel like a monster
I wish that I did not care about the male gaze or the white gaze
I wish that I had a flawless Instagram presence
staring at myself in the mirror, obliterating every part of me, is exhausting and I promise myself that I will not do it anymore
the next day comes, and I repeat these actions
maybe I will stop if I guasha my face away or squat until my butt is a shelf
if I run five miles in 100 degree weather or do one more crunch
I mourn the body that I had three years ago even though I hated it at the time
I am upset with myself for not being kinder to myself back then, but I struggle to believe that I deserve kindness now
even though I am the same person
Natasha Sohni 