Returning to Myself.

I visited Minnesota last month with my boyfriend, and we were driving back to Rochester from Minneapolis after having dinner with friends. Suddenly and overwhelmingly, I burst into tears. I hadn’t cried like this in a long time and, of course, I had to do so while driving on a highway.

A simple honk prompted these tears. I would like to consider myself a good driver, but I made a mistake and a car honked at me. I do not have the opportunity to drive very often and this visit to Minnesota was the first time that my boyfriend would be in the passenger seat. The trip had to be perfect, my driving had to be perfect, I had to be perfect. I would make little mistakes here and there like parking at a slant or jerking the car, and I was upset with myself every time.

As one could probably guess, the root of my emotions ran much deeper. The honk, and even the driving, is what pushed me over the edge, but I was already upset with myself for so many other reasons. I did not receive the results that I desired from my doctor’s appointment that morning, I was a little sleep deprived, and thoughts about how I was failing in my career, friendships, and health goals consumed me. As I was sobbing, my boyfriend gently consoled me and told me how amazing I am. I wouldn’t have wanted to cry anywhere else or with anyone else.

I know that I am not a failure and I doubt people view me that way. As much as I try to shed my perfectionist tendencies, they choose to latch onto to me at inopportune times. I hadn’t let go of myself in a while and while breakdowns can be therapeutic, I do wish that I weren’t so mean to myself. This is only exacerbated by the idea that people do not always recognize how hard we already are on ourselves before they say or do something that hurts us. I internalize little comments or fairly meaningless moments so deeply, and I’ve realized that I need to work on letting go of these things. The other person is likely no longer thinking about the situation and I’m only doing a disservice to myself.

I have spent the past couple of years (and most of my time in Boston, honestly) being extremely critical of myself and, unfortunately, with both the good and the bad, my determination knows no bounds. I am sure that living in a competitive, cold, and fast-paced environment contributes to the emotional bruises that I give myself, but I know that living with constant comparison (whether instigated by myself or others) in my twenties has truly been the thief of my joy.

My visit to Minnesota, coupled with showing the person whom I love all of the places that built me, provided me with a therapeutic release of my feelings, and I would honestly like this to occur more often. As I approach another year of life, I look forward to focusing on my wellness in all aspects. I believe that my emotional and mental wellness will be foundational to my physical wellness, so I am doing my best to readily receive peace and release turmoil. I look forward to returning to myself.