I’m writing this on Sunday, June 15th. My last piece on this page was published at the end of February, and I promised myself, and my readers, that I would be posting more often due to my lack of writing last year. I do not know where the time went and I would be lying if I wrote that I am not disappointed in myself. I cannot even attribute my absence to any excuses because in my mind, none of them should have kept me from doing something I claim to love.
I procrastinate tasks or hobbies that will genuinely better my life. If someone else is depending on me, I complete the task right away, but I do not show that same commitment to myself. I have so many goals and dreams, but in recent history, I struggle to take any steps toward accomplishing them. I seem to be coasting through each day without actively thinking about how I want to shape it.
The ways in which we are hard on ourselves or punish ourselves are ones that we would not tolerate from a friend, family member, or any outside party. I yell at myself for not performing and for constantly undermining my own potential success, and this only pushes me further toward apathy. I can simply continue to dread every day and repeat the same habits because I know what to expect. If failing is so easy, why should I even try? I cannot bear to fail others, but I’m okay with constantly failing myself.
Perfectionism entraps me and prompts me to become upset with myself when I do not meet my own expectations. I refrain from doing the things that I love, such as writing, because I do not want to disappoint myself. This leads me to embody a walking contradiction considering I am, anyways, disappointed in myself for not doing these things.
I could find (and probably have) a million reasons to explain my shortcomings regarding my writing or my other personal and professional goals, but ultimately, I need to foster and embrace my self-respect. I cannot expect the life that I want for myself to just fall into my lap if I am not doing anything to make it happen. I want to believe that I care enough about my own well-being to push myself toward the things that I deserve.
I am overwhelmed by the constant terrors that flood our news cycles in addition to my own, personal, never-ending to-do list, and I should allow myself to focus on only what I can handle instead of trying to do everything simultaneously. This is not working and results in me neglecting my dreams and passions. It’s not the life that I want to live.
As we approach a new season, I intend to create as much as I possibly can without worrying about its quality. I want to nurture the best version of myself which entails doing the things that I love, creating and sticking to fulfilling habits, being around the people whom I love, and providing for my community when I can. If I “fall short” of my own expectations, I will give myself the grace that I extend to others and try again the next day. My mental and physical health matter most and I will only do what serves them both – even if this requires a harder path at times.
Natasha Sohni 