Category: Uncategorized

The 40 Hour Work Week.

Simply put, it needs to be abolished. The forty hour work week reinforces the idea that we are all commodities and our worth is based on how well we do our work or how much we produce. Even if one enjoys their career, they are laboring and being paid for this labor. We earn money to live comfortably and enjoy our lives, but we are not given adequate time to do so because we spend five out of seven days in a week at work. If one thinks about this deeply, they would probably realize that this occupies a very large chunk of our lives. We spend our days owing our lives to someone or something else because they are giving us the means that we need to survive (a lot to unpack here).

Many say that the happy medium is a four day work week with a three day weekend. I am sure that this is probably dependent on the job at hand. Of course, many professions are essential. If someone breaks their leg, a doctor has to be available to mend it. Even with these professions, though, an assortment of shifts are and can be taken. Even having flexibility in the work day is important because taking care of our minds, bodies, and loved ones is not a weekend task – doing so is an every day requirement. I value exercising, eating, sleeping, spending time with family or friends, and reading every day in addition to working, and I would like to have some time left over to just chill as well.

I personally think that if one can finish their work and meet every deadline in less than forty hours, then so be it. Anything that requires forty hours or more can wait. Do not launch or hire anyone for your company or organization if this is not the case. If you have to subject your employees to extensive hours or terrible working conditions, do you really think that your organization deserves to exist? I know so many individuals who worry about using their paid time off because of the amount of work that they have on their plates, or simply because of the fear of having tasks wait until they come back. Our brains are rarely able to quit the work browser even for a day, and this is because we have been conditioned to commodify ourselves and believe that we do not deserve a happy, safe, and healthy life otherwise.

I understand that abolishing the forty hour work week seems ~radical~ and, obviously, may not happen overnight, but so many organizations across the world are already doing it. These groups recognize that requiring their employees to spend the majority of their lives at work is not sustainable for their well beings (or the company’s well being). Additionally, many millennials and zoomers are turning to self-employment because they can control their own schedules and care for themselves. Of course, this does not mean that they are not working just as hard – they are able to do so more efficiently while making substantial livings.

Again, I do hope and wish for every human to enjoy their career. This is what I want for myself as well. I just do not think that they should consume our entire lives. People deserve to live comfortably and enjoy their lives regardless of how much they work. Too much of anything can turn out to be harmful, remember? Having a balance between work, hobbies, health, and loved ones is key. I genuinely think that we could possibly have a happier and more innovative world if we committed to this balance.

Friendship.

Over the past few years, and especially now as a college graduate, I have been grappling with the idea of sustainable, intentional friendships and what that means to me. This is even harder to implement in a pandemic. Whenever I talk to my parents about their childhoods or their college years, they mention names of individuals with whom they no longer have contact. I have listened to conversations between my mom and her friends in which they speculate about where certain people are. Before college, I never understood how one could lose all contact, or drift apart from someone in the sense that I thought that maintaining friendships was simple. Of course, mostly all of my friendships at that point resided in my hometown, so of course this was easy for me to think as a kid/tween/teen.

I feel as though growing apart from childhood or high school friends is relatively common, so I do not dwell on it too much. The grappling occurs more with relationships that I formed in college and how to maintain those. As soon as I stepped foot on campus, I realized that I was surrounded by so many new people with their own stories, and many of these people were already rooting for me in ways that I had not experienced previously. I felt rejuvenated and ready to move forward with my life, and I have been satisfied with the small chunk friendships that I still do have from before I began college. I formed an amazing and large community for myself at the U of M, and I feel like I have met some of the best people in this world through doing so. Of course, throughout the years, I drifted apart from some individuals simply because we did not make the effort to see each other around campus after having a class together or something of the sort, and this is completely fine. Suddenly, though, you and your college friends are not necessarily living in the same place or within walking distance of each other, and you resort to texting, FaceTiming, and social media to keep up with them. This takes more energy than one might think, especially when your entire world turns virtual due to a pandemic.

Sometimes, I have also just had to accept that I have done everything I can to reach out to someone, and I have not received anything in return (this applies both ways). At the same time, graduating during this time and giving people grace must also be taken into consideration. Is someone not responding because they are struggling (this applies pandemic or otherwise)? I use the “baby in the backseat” mentality so much that I find difficulty in differentiating between letting someone go or keeping my door open for them. I also think that my feelings are valid in wanting to feel chosen and wanting to have friends who are truly in my corner.

I try to be as intentional as possible and text people when I think about them. I want my friends to know that I am always here, and our friendships mean so much to me even if I haven’t seen them in months or do not talk to them regularly. The issue lies in how draining this can be. At certain points, one has to give others the opportunity to choose them rather than living in the fear that they will not do so by not giving them the chance. I fight so hard to keep people in my life, and this past year has been challenging in that sense, but I have pushed myself to not think too deeply (as I am prone to doing) about certain people or relationships.

People always say that as we grow older, our circles become smaller. Friendships can fade even if nothing happens, and they might actually fade because nothing happened. The energy and effort were not there, and little communication took place. I am not writing this post because I have experienced this recently; this post actually resided in my drafts for months, and I am still mulling over this topic after all of this time. I always will because I do not think one “right” answer exists to how one can maintain all of their relationships in a healthy manner. I keep arriving at the realization that I am not going to run into friends while walking around campus or being in classes/meetings with them, and I am not living with a few of my friends in an apartment, so more effort will be needed to maintain these friendships that seemed to flow so easily. We could all be states or countries away from each other if we are not already, and keeping these relationships alive will take lots of care. I also remind myself that I probably have not met even half of the people I will meet in my life, and being in a new place allows for this which excites me.

All we can do is ask ourselves whether we are happy in a relationship, and whether this person is still adding to our lives. In an ideal world, friendships would be as simple as asking someone to play in the sandbox or swing on the swing set with us, but unfortunately we are not currently in that world, and we cannot help growing older. We learn that time is fleeting, and we desire to surround ourselves with people who make us forget this fact for a moment. Feeling sad, or even heartbroken, about a lost friendship is okay, and so is moving forward without them. We can still cheer for people who are no longer in our lives and this is something that we all need to remember.

Headaches.

I’ve mentioned this often to those in my life, but I am extremely prone to headaches. I have chronic headaches, and pushing through them can be tough. At this point, they are so engrained in my life that I almost could not picture a week (or recently, even a day) without receiving one.

One might be thinking that I should just avoid what triggers them, and this is definitely true. I actually do my best to do so, but sometimes this can be difficult due to what my triggers are. Screens, vehicles or other moving machines (such as rollercoasters), caffeinated coffee, and scents prompt my headaches.

I believe that I have been experiencing more migraines recently because of the screen time required for work and engaging with friends during a pandemic. I depend on my blue light glasses heavily, and I could honestly have a headache within the hour if I do not wear them. I even wear them when I’m looking at something on my phone for an extended period of time (the smaller the screen, the more likely I am to have a headache), or watching a show or movie on a television screen. I can have severe headaches from watching reality TV shows or vlogs. If I read something on my phone that makes me anxious (a confrontational email or text – not that I receive these a ton, but the couple of times), my head starts pounding and the room spins. At this point, I know that I’ll have a headache for the rest of the day.

I dealt with some unpleasant bouts of airsickness as a child, and even though I can manage it better now when flying, I still avoid inhaling (I solely breathe through my mouth if I can help it, which is why my breath can be ~off~ after exiting the aircraft) and I cannot bring myself to drink the water that the airplanes serve (regardless of the bottle brand). I cannot read in airplanes or cars, and as much as I love rollercoasters and other amusement park rides, I am left with a strong headache at the end of the day. If I smell anything for too long, even if I enjoy the scent, I will have a headache, though I think headaches from scents might be an experience that many people have.

I had a migraine most of last week, and I felt terrible. I felt nauseous, I had to lay down a lot, and I had to lower the volume of the music while driving. With my migraines, I frequently see flashes of light as well. My dad experiences chronic headaches, so I might have them because of genetics. We both just live with them, but when I am really having a hard time, I break down and cry. I am sure that mental health plays a role in these headaches too. This is another case of a condition (or whatever you would like to call it) that isn’t visible by simply looking at someone. I have attended, and led, countless meetings, classes, exercised, and spent time with friends while having mild to severe headaches, but I know that even if I had not done these things and just took a nap, my experiences would still be valid. I do my best to break through this barrier because I want to live my life and keep my word.

I actually wanted to write this post a week ago, but my head was hurting so much that after the work day, I just wanted a break from looking at a screen. I feel better this week and I thought that I would hop on here to reflect. I know that having a headache might not seem as though it is a big deal to some who are reading this, but for me, the migraines that I receive are painful. At the very least, this post can just be a reminder that more exists than what meets the eye and everyone deserves a bit of grace.

link to my blue light glasses (I have the Hardwire Mini in a translucent, light pink color, but it looks as though this color is no longer available. The glasses are cute and extremely effective nonetheless!)

Healing.

note: Some trauma is well outside of one’s control, and I recognize that one could be stuck in situations of trauma because of this. This post should be read with this in mind, and any reader should feel free to take what they can from it and leave the rest.

The weight that seems to enter through your shoulders and your mind and your heart and your stomach at the same time is suddenly lighter.

That day in which you no longer feel it, whatever “it” is, could happen tomorrow. We keep telling ourselves that we will be completely healed when we no longer feel anything toward a situation, person, or place. The truth is, trauma, problems, and pain will recur, but the healing will as well.

The healed state of being is not a destination to reach, but rather a moment that arrives with a new day and disappears with another. You should do whatever you need to do to feel like your best self as this happens. Not everyone in your life will support you or show up for you in the way that you need, and some will reprimand you for your hurting or “taking a long time” to recover. You have every right to take space (whether for a day or forever) away from these folks. You have every right to distance yourself from places, writings, songs, photos, and foods that hurt you. You have every right to express how you feel (in a safe way). Acknowledging that the process could be lifelong is a necessity. You should never be expected to simply forgive or forget, or to thrive every second after something happens. One cannot wash away a moment or person.

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to heal from yourself. As I stated previously, we focus on healing from external situations, but your own mind is what reinforces the pain. We keep reliving these moments to find answers or to pinpoint where we made mistakes, even if the situation did not occur because of us. I was reminded recently that I might still feel achy because this is what keeps me tied to situations, and prevents me from letting go of them. I tweeted this back in June 2019: “you search for your own healing in someone else (often the one who tore you apart in the first place) only to discover that this healing is found within yourself.” While I know exactly to what these words were referring, I still find it helpful to view things this way now.

Honestly, I still feel like I am healing from situations that happened months or even years ago. A part of this is because some moments feel as though they occurred just yesterday, and I find difficulty in processing how much time has passed. These situations range between relationships, work, health, and much more. I still feel frustrated and hurt, and sometimes I just want to hide. In most ways, I am in a much better place than I was during some periods of time in the past, but I cannot completely shake some emotional scar tissue even so. I have spent so much time trying to reach a destination, but now I just try to coexist with the bumps in the road.

check out my healing playlist on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1CWVBiLHgtjSxqtq9xKpXQ?si=mYruuANGSeeJ94DMO97Hnw

Reframing.

I have known for quite some time that I want to be working in mutual aid and uplifting marginalized communities. I want to be working with the people rather than solely educating those in power on why the people deserve basic human rights (I understand that, unfortunately, this is probably inevitable right now). I want to use a public health lens to construct, or deconstruct, tools meant for progress. I want to have a hand in all of these aspects because I know that I am willing to make the changes myself, however out of the box they may be, instead of just sitting on the sidelines and watching others hesitate.

I learned more about adverse childhood experiences and the ACEs study in high school. Intuitively, the idea that a child’s background is correlated to their wellbeing and success as an adult made perfect sense to me. The idea is quite literally based on social determinants of health, and I think about it every day.

The upsetting part is that people often expect college students to thrive even if they have experienced poverty, illness, abuse, and more throughout their childhoods. This isn’t discussed enough among those who have power and influence, and it certainly does not sit well with me. For example, legislators were apprehensive to the proposal of expanding free rides along the twin cities light rail to one more stop on either side around the University of Minnesota, which was proposed in hopes to alleviate some of the transportation issues that arise for students living in a food desert. They simply could not comprehend the notion that college students could be in massive amounts of debt from tuition, and have to pay for rent and food on top of it. The notion that college students who were raised in poverty or are parts of marginalized groups have an even more difficult time was beyond their ignorant to privilege, mostly old and white, scopes.

I love working with children. I just want to protect them from all of the unpleasant things in the world, and ensure that they see happiness in their futures. Their existence shows that human beings are valuable beyond the commodities that they can create and the money that they can provide because of said commodities. Children simply exist to live and learn and love, and I do not think that this blueprint for life should be skewed just because they grow older. The only way to prevent this from happening, though, is to combat all of those adverse experiences. People do not choose to be unhoused or go hungry. People do not choose to suffer, and these issues are not prevalent because of their lack of abilities to “work hard,” but rather because of a system that is built on greed and racism, and ultimately fails to address it.

As many probably know, I am hoping to obtain a graduate degree in public health with a focus on global health and/or social justice. I know that I am passionate about everything that I mentioned previously (I have been since I was a child) and I love working with people, but what specific jobs or positions exist in which I can combine all of this? I love leading, but I also want to be the person who is on the ground, getting to know children and families individually, and helping each of them. Graduate school will help, but I also need to be proactive in building relationships and seeking what fulfills me.

I had not really thought about how much I love interacting with kids until loved ones brought it to my attention on different occasions. They said that I should definitely incorporate this into my future career, and the idea made me happy. One afternoon, during last time I was in India (August 2019), my mom, brother, aunt, cousin, and I went to the nearby mall. We entered a store, and I saw a little boy playing a game with a paddle and a ball. He was all alone. I started playing with him and I asked him questions about his life, ranging from how many siblings he has to what languages he speaks to what his favorite school subjects are. That one moment brought me so much joy, and while I probably will never see him again, I was glad that I could make him feel valued and seen for even a few minutes. After observing this situation, I remember my aunt telling me that I am definitely meant to be in the field that intersects public health, mutual aid, social work, and policy.

I struggle to envision what I want from time to time because I am passionate about so many things. This does not always fly, though, because the world appreciates specifics. This is why I think that focusing on adverse childhood experiences and social determinants of health will allow me to tackle all of the other issues about which I am passionate. I’ve decided to reframe my focus and mindset to support this, and I am excited to see what comes next.

Amidst the bleak socio-political horizon on which we find ourselves, and the experiences that I have had thus far within the non-profit industrial complex, formulating specific must haves for my career is encouraging.

Relaxation for the Unrelaxed Person.

I am the opposite of a relaxed person, so the fact that I am writing this post is a little funny. I think, though, that doing so also makes this post more relatable. These are some tips that have helped me, a person who loves being “on the go” and whose mind never stops turning, regarding relaxation for those who struggle with it! For those of us who are not the most relaxed, we may need to actively do things in order to decompress fully. Due to this, some of these tips do require some movement, but others are very sedentary. Additionally, a few of these are pretty cliché, but I am hoping that some tips are new for you all as well. I also recognize that not everyone will have the ability to do all of these which is why I provided many options! Please do not try anything that you know will trigger you. These items are things that help me relax, but we are all different. in no particular order:

blankets
I arrived at this revelation the other day. I feel a lot more peaceful when I have a blanket over me. I cannot sit on a couch without automatically grabbing one. Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed, I’ll wrap myself in a blanket like a burrito and instantly feel better (working from home has been great for this as I can do it in between meetings or during my lunch break). At this point, I will honestly bring a blanket anywhere. During high school, my mom bought me a king sized sherpa blanket! I love it so much and I even have it spread over me as I am typing this. Over all, blankets have really been a game-changer over the past few months. I was also gifted a weighted blanket by my best friend for graduation, and in my experience, it really does alleviate anxiety. I recommend getting your hands on a sherpa, weighted, micro plush, or quilted blanket and feeling cozy. If someone you know, or someone in your community, is struggling this winter season, a blanket would be a great and affordable item to gift them as well!

quite literally cross items off of your to-do list
This is a common one. People are always recommending to-do lists, and people are always saying that they never end. I would have to agree. This being said, I suggest physically crossing tasks off of your bulleted list. Not only is it satisfying, but it keeps me on track.

visualize
Visualization is a common practice in many fields, but I first learned about it during high school swim season. We would lie on the bleachers and our coach would tell us to visualize a scene. I then experienced it more during yoga practices. It is common for folks to fall asleep while visualizing, and while it may not work for everyone, it can put your mind at peace before an intense meeting or event. I am not the best at visualizing, but I actually have been more successful at it when I am trying to fall asleep. As many know, insomnia is a close friend of mine, and visualization can help combat it. With a simple Google search, you’ll be able to find many guides regarding these techniques.

moisturize
If you know me, you know that I am an avid moisturizer. I cannot stand dry skin. I moisturize my hands every time I wash them, and I lather my entire body in lotion after every shower. I have sensitive skin, so I use medium to thick, unscented (often anti-itch) lotion vigorously. To feel refreshed, I moisturize my face throughout each day. Moisturizing is more important than you think!

find a body of water and sit next to it
This tip is pretty self explanatory. If a body of water is not accessible to you, I am sure a mountaintop, prairie, or grassy area would work too. I, personally, LOVE water and I fangirl over every body of water I see. Watching the waves, however large or small (clearly dependent on whether this body is a local lake or an ocean somewhere), is such a beautiful moment every time for me. On an unrelated note, water is not only healing to watch, but also to drink. Fuel your body with water often.

the Deep Sleep and Peaceful Meditation playlists on Spotify
How could I not mention music?! I love the Deep Sleep and Peaceful Meditation playlists on Spotify. I also recommend any lofi beats playlist (so many exist), and the All-Nighter playlist.
I created my own playlist to which I listen every time I need some grounding called Pause. Give it a listen!

yoga
We are in a pandemic, so you might not be able to attend a yoga class in person. In the mean time, if you are familiar with some poses, take some time out of your day to do them. If you are not, many YouTube videos and apps exist to guide you through a practice.

exercise
Movement can help when stillness cannot. Walk, run, ride a bike, play some tennis, or do an activity that suits you. If your environment is not conducive to your activity of choice, YouTube can come to your rescue with many at-home and/or no equipment workout routines. I exercise on most days of the week, and I feel as though I am not fully myself if I do not do so. If you would like some advice from me (I am not certified at all in this realm, so I would be advising you as a friend), I’d be happy to help!

let yourself feel
cry, punch something (without causing harm), laugh, dance around, curl into a ball

write
I love my journal. I journal every day, and even filling the pages makes me content. When I first started journaling, I told myself that I should write without any filter. I write in my journal for myself, and only myself. I do share some excerpts here and there, but for the most part, no one sees any of it. Get yourself a fun, comfortable writing utensil and give it a try!
Typing can also be fulfilling. Many actually find the sound of typing keys calming (ASMR). Sometimes, I just head to typeracer.com and mindlessly type.

play an instrument or sing
I am very passionate about music, and singing is actually one of my hobbies. You will find me singing all day, every day. I played the piano for twelve years before heading to college, and every time I was flustered, I would sit down at the piano and play. I remind myself of this when I have similar feelings now, and I will push myself to head over to the piano and spend some time there. I will often find instrumental versions of songs that I like to sing and learn them.

I would like to stress that one does not have to be skilled at singing or playing an instrument to do so. If you find this type of activity fun, just do it.

candles
You cannot go wrong with lighting a good candle. Something about looking at the warm light from the flame makes my heart glow. If you are not a fan of candles (I will acknowledge that they can be quite wasteful – please make sure to recycle/repurpose your candle jars instead of throwing them away), try essential oils/essential oil diffusers, salt rock lamps, or other low lighting such as string lights.

flip through the pages of a new, fresh notebook
THIS.

have your favorite snack without scrolling through your phone, watching a show, or working
We like to distract ourselves while we eat. When you can, eat alone, and remove these distractions. Choose a snack that fuels you and tastes great. some of my favorites are: pretzel crisps & hummus, goldfish & fruit punch/vitamin water/any juice, blueberries, grapes & cheese, a PB&J, biscuits & tea

cuddle with a stuffed animal or a person
as long as the person is within your immediate circle and you are being safe (feel free to cuddle with anyone once we are not in a pandemic)

clean your room, bathroom, or car
Is your environment clean? A cluttered environment can cause a cluttered mind. At the same time, organize your things in a way that is understandable to you.

look at or draw aesthetic/symmetrical/asymmetrical/abstract designs or paintings
Pinterest and even a general Google search can provide some great designs.

read a book
Want a recommendation? Let me know! I can also write a blog post about this if you all want one.

doodle
use fun pencils, pens, markers

paint your nails

comb out your hair
As someone with curly and thick hair, this is really satisfying. I try to do this at least once a week. Of course, I comb/brush my hair every time I wash it (most days of the week), but I also like to comb it when it is dry on a day that I do not wash it.

get fully dressed up, and then get fully unready
Wear your fanciest, cutest, coolest outfit, throw on some make up if you want, and do your hair. Sit in this, take a picture or two, and just have a good time. Once you are ready, throw on some comfy clothes and wash your face.

drive

listen to your body/mind & sleep or rest when you feel tired

call someone instead of FaceTiming/video calling them to avoid looking at your screen
As thankful as I am for FaceTime and video calling, I am prone to headaches. My headaches are more prevalent with screen time. I do miss my friends, and I do want to connect with them, so I have been trying to incorporate more phone calls rather than FaceTimes. If I am able to see them in person at a safe distance (usually in the form of a walk), even better! I threw this tip in here recognizing that many folks, like myself, are entering winter/colder months and seeing friends outside may not always be possible.

play a board game or do a puzzle with someone
My boyfriend and I have been playing a lot of board games recently, and I am loving it! I do not play board games often, so this has been really refreshing.

watch a YouTube video
I watch a lot of YouTubers/vloggers, and sometimes I find it nice to hear about someone else’s life and learn their tips rather than watching a show that has characters who are not real. I do watch shows as well, but if I have a few minutes to chill, YouTube videos are the perfect length.

do a handstand or a cartwheel
Be safe and have someone spot you if necessary! Unleash your inner kid.

mindlessly take notes on some random topic or on a book that you are reading
highlight, add tabs and sticky notes, annotate as much as you want

use your paid leave !!!
Seriously.

flip some pancakes on the stove
The way that pancakes fluff as you spread the mix across the pan is really nice to watch.

have a virtual game night with friends
Every couple weeks, I have a game night with my friends. We play a lot of trivia and codenames, and I actually played Among Us for the first time with them. Difficulty exists in always updating friends on your life (especially if not much is changing from day to day in this pandemic), so game night gives you the opportunity to still interact with your friends while focusing on something else. We used to have our game nights in person, but since March, we’ve moved them to Zoom. I cannot wait until we can all play in person again!

give someone a high-five
I just love high-fives. High-five someone and you will understand what I mean.

Processing History.

trigger warning for painful history // disclaimer: I write this from a place of privilege. I am not speaking for any communities, but rather on what I wish I would have learned while going through school. This post should encourage you to do your own research rather than having folks relive their traumas in telling you about historical events.

I understand that feeling of helplessness. We were not here when our friends and neighbors’ ancestors, and even our own ancestors, were met with horrific injustices. We cannot change the past. So many of us spend each waking minute trying to aid others and rectify it, but a handful of folks may ask why they have this responsibility when they, personally, did not cause pain in the first place.

The art of storytelling can be useful, but also harmful when used to desensitize and/or sensationalize historical events. Keeping this in mind, this is likely unintentional. In school, we were taught about wars, depressions, inventions, endemics/epidemics/pandemics, and more as though they were some faraway tales. Our teachers had us focusing on the pilgrims in their fight for freedom while they were committing Indigenous genocide. We were all taught that slavery was bad, and that racism is bad, but we were not provided with action steps to ensure that these atrocities did not continue. We sat next to our peers from different backgrounds, who could’ve had very different lives at home, and took notes on events that literally made their families suffer. Knowing what I know now, I wish that my classmates and I were pushed to question and be more critical of this.

Perhaps the worst part is that everything is processed from Americanized and western viewpoints, and the United States was always seen as the hero in events that happened both domestically and internationally. Every lesson had a heavy coat of sugar. Every issue was provided with a resolution as though it was eradicated completely in modern day. Influential people were placed on pedestals without addressing the involved nuances. Given all of this, can we really ponder why we expect every situation and person involved to be perfect?

Furthermore, little content regarding events that were happening in other parts of the world was included. Relations between countries to the East, refugee crises and displacement, and more were rarely mentioned. While this is disappointing, it is also relieving because these would have been explored from, again, an Americanized point of view. They would have been explored from a colonizer point of view. They would have been “othered.” Higher education allows for more opportunities, but these opportunities are choices. These topics are shaped by those who teach it. Like I have mentioned in previous posts, one can be grateful for the life they have here, or anywhere in the west, while understanding that this light is accompanied by a lot of dark.

We cannot occupy the spaces we do without recognizing the land on which we stand. I have spent too much of my life sitting inside of buildings learning about these events, playing outside, shopping, and eating at home and in restaurants to not be conscious of this now. Gender justice, reproductive justice, educational justice, environmental justice, medical justice, and so much more cannot be achieved without including every community. The Indigenous community is often forgotten. Indigenous women are often missing and murdered. The land on which Native folks live and treasure is constantly in danger for the sake of someone else (frequently corporate, frequently white). We must also recognize that these injustices have occurred worldwide. Indigenous folks are treated horribly wherever one might look.

Obviously, thoroughly processing history rather than overlooking it comes with painful pills to swallow. Feeling the joy one needs to feel, or taking a few moments to unwind one’s mind, is essential. Happiness does not need to be removed from awareness. A large part of processing history is reminding oneself to do their best to take care of someone else who has, and whose ancestors have, faced much worse when they are in the emotional, mental, physical, and financial space to do so.

Once you are ready to hold yourself and those around you accountable, I urge you to invest your time, money, and other resources into your BIPOC & LGBTQ+ communities. Your pills are minuscule compared to the horrors that these folks have faced. This post is tailored to those who live in the United States for the most part, but I know that some readers may reside in other countries. Someone around you needs help. The time is long overdue to learn about it.

Most importantly, ask these communities what they need rather than assuming. The savior complex is very real and we should all be careful to not slip into it. I cannot speak for the Indigenous community, but I hope that what I have listed below helps. If any Indigenous folks read this and would like to add/remove/edit a resource, please reach out to me!

resources for Indigenous folks & those looking to help (thank you to those of you who assisted in compiling these resources – some were also shared by influencers on Instagram over the long weekend // this list is non-exhaustive, just a few ideas):
– reminder to stay tuned to news and social media for mutual aid efforts
– donate to Honor the Earth and support them in their efforts to stop Line 3
– Minneapolis American Indian Center has resources such as the Golden Eagles Program
– Native American Community Clinic
– visit Pow Wow Grounds in Minneapolis (takeout currently available)
– Urban Native Era
– Birchbark Books
– Indigenous films & documentaries: Gather, Boy, Princess Ka’iulani, The Body Remembers When The World Broke Open, Whale Rider, Rhymes for Young Ghouls (Mi’kmaq), Angry Inuk, Mekko (Seminole-Muscogee), Indian Horse, Lorena, Light Footed Woman, Mahana, Smoke Signals
– books: Whereas by Layli Long Soldier, Our History is the Future by Nick Estes, Waterlily by Ella Cara Deloria (check out this list from Penguin as well on must-reads)
– music: search “Native American Music” on Spotify to support native artists along with these playlists called Indigenous Peoples’ Day is Every Day, Indigenous, and Native American Heritage Month (these are just *some* suggestions – so much more to find)

That Day.

As you closed the door behind you, I stood there for a moment, just staring at it, in shock.

I made myself mac & cheese, and I ate it in silence while sitting on my bed. I savored this simple meal after losing ten pounds over the past few weeks due to the anxiety. I was receiving tons of text messages and a few phone calls, but I did not have the energy or courage to respond. I still remember the outfit I was wearing. I even remember the outfit I wore the next day when I burst into tears in front of my discussion group while in class.

A weight had lifted off of my shoulders, but it had left a hole of emptiness. What was I supposed to do next?

I did not expect the healing process to last as long as it did, or for it to be ongoing. I did not expect myself to be able to love someone else as deeply. I am strong, and I no longer sacrifice my happiness for another’s ego, but I still feel powerless and broken from time to time. I still find myself hesitating before expressing exactly what I think or how I feel or sharing the most vulnerable parts of myself. The parts that might push away the people who mean the most to me.

My body split into two that day, and I still have a prominent scar.

Scars are beautiful. They tell stories, and remind me of how I was and who I am now. They make sure that I do not forget you and that I do not place you, or anyone else, on a pedestal. They tell me that I should love myself more than anyone else could ever possibly love me. For these reasons, I am okay with replaying this day over and over in my head.

This piece of my heart is very personal.

Sunshine.

your skin glows despite the rain drops
you seem perfectly dry
while I am soaked to the bone

your embrace gives me warmth
but I know that it cannot protect me from every single drop

your shower of love causes the drops to slow
or completely stop
but the moment that I walk away from you
my hair is a soppy mess
my extremities turn a little colder
and I can hear thunder in the distance

your presence has taught me that a world exists beyond these storms
and though I know that you can pull me into this world
your presence has given me the strength to create my own

I saw sunshine before I met you
I see sunshine while I am with you
and I push myself to create my own sunshine during moments that do not have you by my side

I finally realize that someone else’s warmth can add years onto my life
but I have to take it upon myself to create this life in the first place

even so, as I continue molding, I am glad that I am able to see you through these rain drops

The Fall After Graduating.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I graduated from the University of Minnesota – Twin Cities in May. I was more than ready to complete my college experience and I believe that I cultivated a wonderful one. At the same time, my excitement in graduating was accompanied by a lost feeling and a questioning of purpose.

For the past seventeen years, I have started the fall season with the first day of school. I was attending classes, studying, and participating in extra-curricular activities. My primary role was being a student. While I had many goals that were not directly related to school, an at times, uncomfortable, pressure existed to excel in academics. We all found commonalities between ourselves through discussing teachers, papers, assignments, projects, and exams. After running from class to class to meeting to meeting, we would get together in libraries for late-night study sessions.

Now, every day is consumed by my job with not much happening in the evenings. I am sure that we all expected the “what happens now” question to cross our minds as we (virtually) received our degrees, but I have not heard of many folks discussing the emotional experiences that come along with it. Regardless of the fact that the last couple months of my final semester and my commencement were online, I genuinely feel fulfilled by my college experience. Due to this, I was a bit taken aback by the feelings of emptiness that overcame me during the summer months leading into the fall.

I will openly admit that I have many qualms with the education system and definitely thrived more in the opportunities that I had outside of my classes, but the thrills and spices of being a student are no longer around after one graduates. I am not meeting other folks who are my age at any moment, and I do not have endless amounts of school work to do or deadlines to meet for classes and student groups. I know that school is quite different this fall given the pandemic, but based on what I knew through most of my college career, I am not running into friends around campus or making plans with them often. Based on this, I think a lot of the emotional emptiness has to do with the drastic change in social dynamics after graduating as well.

I have talked to a lot of friends about these weird, off-putting, empty, and lost feelings that have consumed me at times, and many of my friends who graduated before I did said that they experienced these same sentiments. They said that they felt this way their first falls after graduating, but that all of this disappeared with time. I am guessing that the same will happen with me and, of course, stepping into this new world is an adjustment, so I am more at ease.

What unnerves me is how greatly our lives are defined by these years of sitting in classrooms. Success being measured by skewed perceptions of productivity is pushed upon us from young ages, and this leads to feelings of purposelessness once our routines change completely (ie graduating). I always told myself that my existence is more than the exams that I take, the assignments that I complete, the grades that I receive, my grade point average, and the amount of commitments that I have piled on top of all of these things, but I do not know if I truly pushed myself to believe it until now.

Even with different, and possibly more “adult,” stressors and structured work days, finding a sense of purpose in this world is still a mission that has, in many ways, restarted. I am curious to see how I will be feeling a year from now. Until then, I will hang in there.