Nightmares.

Your fists are clenched, tears are streaming down your cheeks, and you are yelling. You can hear yourself yelling, but you cannot help doing so. You have a pain in your chest that resembles heartbreak, and you feel helpless. Your slumber should be peaceful, but your mind torments you.

I would say that I have nightmares fairly often. I had some painful ones last night, so here I am writing about them. I close my eyes every night hoping to recharge, but I feel as though so much is taken from me emotionally when the next morning arrives. As many know, I struggle with fairly severe insomnia, so I do not even know if I can classify these encounters as nightmares because they feel so real. I am balancing within my consciousness. Due to this, I think the reality of it is the scariest part. My nightmares are mostly realistic and shed light on traumas that I have been fortunate enough to avoid thus far. This confuses me. I rarely have dreams that I enjoy, and if I do enjoy them, I find myself disappointed to an excessive degree the next day.

I guess this is pretty vulnerable of me to mention, but when I experience a troubling nightmare, and awake to tears pouring out of my eyes, I want nothing more in that moment than to have someone holding me. I want to hear that everything is okay, and I want to squeeze a hand. This being said, my nightmares are my own, and even if I find the strength to relive them and explain them to others, they do not fully understand the fear that caused my body to become rigid in the midst of them.

In some senses, I would be interested in exploring how to control my dreams fully, but given my insomnia, I feel as though I would focus so much on controlling them that I would not be able to fall asleep.

Nightmares make me uncomfortable during a time in which I desire nothing but comfort. They cause me distress and I spend hours, days, or even weeks thinking about them. I try to exhale the triggers that arise within them with each breath I take, and I will say that some of the tension escapes through the tears I shed as well, but I need a bit of time for my emotions to completely settle.

I want to tell myself that I should not be afraid of something as trivial as a nightmare, but I cannot help how I feel in these moments during which harsh and disturbing thoughts enter my mind. Sometimes, fear is okay. I wish I had more answers and more words of encouragement for myself, but I know that I can handle this. For me, sleep is a work in progress. I will continue to exhale the negativity that arises with it as much as I can.