Get it Together, Natasha.

Admittedly, I have been very angry and disappointed with myself this year. Most of my journal entries entail me telling myself that I need to be a better person. Do I not have my life together? Am I a toxic friend, leader, and human being? Am I welcome in this space? Am I too loud? Are my friends going to leave me? Do people enjoy my presence? Why am I not prettier? Why can’t I look better in pictures? Why do I not have a six pack yet? Why am I not a better advocate? Why do I not know more about this elected official or that situation? Why am I not rising at five in the morning every day to run? Why am I late? Why did I make a snappy comment? Why have I not answered more questions in class? Why are my Spotify playlists lacking? Why am I not publishing a blog post every few days? Why am I not helping my community more? Why did I allow this person to speak over me or for me? Why was my tone a little flat while singing that note? Am I qualified for this position? Am I qualified for this job? Am I too selfish? Why do I have such high standards for everyone in my life? Should I push everyone away to avoid being hurt? I focus so greatly on spreading love, but should I stop? Do I love too much? Do I feel too deeply?

I feel guilty for being positive because I keep reminding myself that positivity is a privilege. I feel guilty for practicing self-care or self-love because, in my mind, I have not had the experiences or accomplished enough to deserve it. I have not overcome enough to deserve it. How can I take time for myself or recharge myself when so many are suffering in ways that I cannot imagine?

I am always telling everyone else that everything will be okay. Our communities come together, especially in situations as difficult as the COVID-19 crisis, and we will push through every obstacle. I tell others this while shouldering their worries, and I feel exhausted and guilty from doing so. Who am I to say that everything will be okay? Is this just easy for me to say because I have a roof over my head and food on the table, or do I actually believe that everything will be? At the same time, I am so tired of repeatedly having to be a beacon of light when I am also concerned about the state of our world and my personal worries. I spend hours every day contemplating how I can use my connections, positions, and channels to assist those who are struggling right now and acquiring resources, but I still feel upset with myself. I should be doing more.

While these thoughts are especially prevalent now, I have noticed that these have been stirring in my mind well before a virus knowingly existed, or a pandemic was on the horizon. I have had the privilege and honor of serving as the President of two student organizations this past school year, and I am constantly worried as to whether I am doing enough to support their members, our initiatives, and our advocacy. I try to balance this work while doing my best to fulfill my job requirements as a research assistant, succeed academically, and complete job applications for employment post-graduation (please hire me!!!). I try to be an emotional support for my family and friends. I maintain my exercise routine. My plate has many pancakes on it, but I still feel as though I am not doing enough. I could be sleeping less or have responded to that email within a few hours rather than a couple days. I could be calling and texting more people, and ensuring that those within my immediate surroundings are doing well on a more frequent basis.

While all of this is heavy, I still want every single person to be happy with my work. I want every single person to come to me and I want to be able to carry their weight. I always feel as though I have to focus on saving the world and I think this stems from my intense need to solve problems, whether my own or someone else’s, immediately and constantly. I need to fix things. I need to fix people. Often times, I am too proactive for my own good; I am always thinking five steps ahead of everyone else because I want to be able to catch my mistakes before they take shape. I want everyone to be included. Every task has to be perfect and whole. Due to this, I have a pain in my heart that I am unable to place. I feel a sense of emptiness, and I do not know how to fill it.

One day, I was speaking to my friend about how I was afraid that someone was going to hurt me (emotionally), and she told me that she thinks the person who is hurting me the most right now is myself. I have thought a lot about this since then, and I know that she is right. I am very harsh with myself, and I feel as though I am constantly angry at myself for simply smiling, or being happy, or scheduling time for myself rather than using those few hours to pour my soul into others.

I recognize that the only person who can gather my peace of mind, and the only person who can cut me some slack, is myself. I respect my high standards, and I respect how deeply I care about everything and everyone. I do not think that these are necessarily bad things, but I cannot allow them to consume me to an unhealthy degree. I can care about myself just as much as I care about everyone else.

I am going to take this moment to remind myself that I love and feel as much as I should. The world may not be ready to accept what I am willing to give, but this does not mean that I am a burden or that I am incorrect. I am organizing and advocating as much as I can right now (and always), and I think that many of us can be proud of ourselves for actually caring while so many do not. I know that I would tell anyone else these things, and I would affirm them because I genuinely believe in them. I would not allow them to question themselves in the way that I questioned myself in the first paragraph because they deserve to believe that their existence is a positive force.

A few snowflakes are gliding past my window now, and I think back to the long run on which I went earlier today. I took some time to sit on this dock along the Mississippi River and breathe. I can breathe. My existence is worth the space it occupies. I may not be the perfect version of myself every second of every day, but at least I am always trying to be so. While a lot of these reminders and realizations are important, I will probably still struggle to remember them during the times in which I am scolding myself. I will be patient and I will not give into the unhealthy criticism.

You do not need to get it together, Natasha, if doing so is only going to hurt you. You are doing a wonderful job.