I cannot help but believe strongly in manifestation. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I think that the energy we give to our dreams and fears has a direct impact on what happens to us. I am so careful about the thoughts that I channel, and while this can eat away at me, I would rather not risk having one sour outlook or idea influence the course of my life. My conscience can overwhelm me so much that I question every action I have ever made. This balancing act can be hard, and I also just need to loosen up from time and remind myself that I am a great person and that my heart is in the right place. I think that I struggle with all of this because I feel as though I have to prove myself, but to whom? Those in my life see me as a great person (or so I have been told), and after a logical assessment, I believe this about myself as well.

While I am not particularly religious (I have qualms with organized religion at the very least and how much religion dictates people’s actions at the very most), I do center myself around some aspects of spirituality. This being said, I still have not arrived at any conclusions as to whether I believe that a higher being exists or karma exists or whether I should just accept things as they are, no strings attached. I feel as though I am waiting for an answer to appear in front of me, but with every answer arises a loophole. I have collected a couple of my journal entries over the past year that address these battles within my mind.

“The idea of innocence is quite interesting because in one’s eyes, you could be fighting for what is right, but in another’s you could be incorrect. How do you know? Or does it matter? It might matter if you believe in karma or God or heaven, but maybe accepting every happenstance at face value is better. What do you say to people who are sacrificing their lives for others’ lives or a greater cause? Does the act only matter if it is successful? How do you define success? I think, given that the human life is so short, deciding what movements or sacrifices are worth one’s life can be difficult. Why shorten our lives more? I guess this also depends on whether we live for ourselves or for the greater good…whether we exist to give back.” – a part of my April 4th journal entry

“People say that the energy one exudes is what they receive (including myself), but how far does this venture? It does not explain losing someone, death, or why bad things happen to good people. I spend so much time analyzing the human condition and fate and spirituality, but I am never any closer to reaching answers.” – a part of my October 11th journal entry

Due to the lack of clarity in my own mind, I try to err on the side of safety. Of course, this is not difficult for me because I already do my best to live my life with kindness and compassion at its forefront, but I do experience negative or harsh thoughts about a situation or person just like everyone else does. Altruism at its core has an air of selfishness and we would be kidding ourselves if we believed otherwise. At the very least, the love that we give to others makes us feel great in turn.

Additionally, gratitude is a huge component of my previously mentioned points. We all have complaints, and we all wish for some aspect of our lives to be better, even if we are content. To do either of these is not necessarily bad, but I do think that if we fixate on them, our lives will never be how we want them to be. I am hesitant to complain, or feel guilty when doing so, because I am always thinking about the ideas that I am manifesting, and I worry that if I do complain, the world will find some way to make my current issue more unpleasant for me. In many stories, when a character is granted a wish, and they eagerly make one, the wish comes back to them in some unpleasant way later. This may be fictional, but I personally try to wish for people or for someone who needs help more than I do because I, once again, am erring on the side of caution, and I know that I can find joy as long as those around me are happy and healthy.

Of course I feel as though my life is falling apart from time to time. I have been struggling greatly with this recently. I spend each day scrambling to gather the pieces and I find myself drowning within my lows. I have projected this onto myself and others, and even find myself internally fixating on all that is wrong. At the same time, I put myself under lots of pressure to think and act “better,” because if I have this mindset, good things will come. With this, I am back to reminding myself that positivity is a privilege, and I must remain realistic and aware along with being hopeful. My mind keeps running in circles while my life whizzes past me. As I mentioned, the balancing act is difficult and I am not sure it can be mastered as long as I think this existentially. I have to come to terms with this, though, and manifest, act, and focus on whatever makes me the best version of myself (not that I always have to be).

(I am a very existential person, so I have plenty more more to say regarding the topics discussed here. Let me know if you’d like to see more of this content!)

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