(Birthday reflections is a series on my blog.)
(I apologize for using “bestie” unironically in this post.)
They say (do not ask me to specify the “they” in question) that the age of twenty seven marks the beginning of one’s Saturn return. This signifies Saturn returning to the same position in the sky as it was when we were born, though it could happen anytime in one’s late twenties (starting with the age of twenty seven). Regardless of its spiritual validity, I’d like to believe that this year of my life will open new doors and provide the clarity for which I have been searching over the past few years. I feel as though I keep losing myself and finding myself and losing myself again, and I’m ready for the tumult in my mind to stop.
I know that this time in my life could also come with new challenges, but I also know that I have the strength to overcome them. The idea of the Saturn return only entered my personal ether recently and this The Cut article (among other online musings) has provided more insight since then. In the spirit of this next, supposedly transformative chapter in my life, I would like to couple the idea of the Saturn return with the experiences and lessons that I learned over this past year.
I can hardly believe it, but I am embarking on my fifth year of living in the great and complex city of Boston. I am so used to living here now that I almost feel a reverse culture shock when I visit my home state of Minnesota. I still have mixed feelings about this city, but I’ve found my footing and can confidently say that I know how to navigate the highs and lows here. I will say that I am very excited to see what this next year in Boston holds as I am now living, for the first time, with my partner! My boyfriend, Ben, and I moved into a new apartment together in August and despite the stress of Boston housing and moving, I have enjoyed getting to live with someone whom I love so much. I am sure that we will both learn so many lessons during this first year of living together and I will definitely share my observations. Reaching this milestone in a romantic relationship is such an awesome feeling for me given the amount of heartbreak I’ve experienced in the past. I feel so secure in my relationship and we often discuss how excited we are for our future together. I share more of my thoughts on living with a romantic partner and my relationship in this podcast episode.
Interestingly enough, I’ve found myself questioning and spiraling about my friendships now more than ever before. Growing up in Minnesota and being a people pleaser who now lives in the more stoic city of Boston, I have learned to be a bit more confrontational when something upsets me and I am trying to not take situations as personally. Most often, people do not act with malicious intent. The world is not against me; rather, everyone is just thinking about themselves. I also miss my friends who live in other places so much and I often panic about us drifting apart, and I would probably feel better if I knew that they felt the same way – if I know that they also care as much about preserving our friendships as I do.
As much as my friends may value me (and vice versa), we all have our own lives and ever-changing priorities. We can love each other and also be unable to devote every single moment or feel every single emotion with each other. We can disagree without making each other feel small. I feel as though I always need to be the best version of myself (say all of the “right” things, look my best, be in the best mood) in front of my friends because I fear being negatively perceived so much. These are people who know me well and I still worry that one vulnerable sentence or “negative” feeling will push them to view me in a poor light. This is something that I have recognized about myself and I am slowly working on it. These fears likely stem from somewhere and I’d love to squash them. I am so proud of the deep friendships that I have formed throughout my life and in Boston, and despite my own insecurities, I know that I am and can be a stellar friend. I will always invest my heart into my friendships and while my capacity may shift at different points in my life, I know that I am capable of making my friends feel valued just the same. I think that I also yearn to feel important to my friends, and I know that I am, but I overthink myself into doubting my place in a friend’s life too frequently.
In this vein, a recurring nightmare that I have is one in which someone (or multiple people) is berating me and I cannot form a coherent sentence in response. I am defenseless and I just blubber and cry. Assumptions are being made about me and thrown back in my face and I do not have the ability to explain myself. I am relieved when I wake from these nightmares, but I’m forced to acknowledge that these also probably stem from something. I am unsure if these subconscious fears are associated with being a woman of color and the constant pressure, double standard, and doubt that comes with these identities or if it’s from past experiences with people in my life where I expressed my hurt and was gaslighted in return. Regardless, I look forward to unpacking this more in my journal and in therapy (goal for twenty seven: find a therapist).
These nightmares often manifest into night terrors, during which I talk, yell, scream, and cry in my sleep. It can be very unsettling to hear and it’s even more unsettling to experience, but I do believe that I can take steps to prevent these from happening. Overall, I have not had the best routine for myself health wise this past year, and I desperately need to hold myself accountable with the goal of preserving my wellbeing and peace.
At the end of February, I visited India for the first time in five and a half years. One of my greatest friends from college, Simran, had her destination wedding at the Alila Fort in rural Rajasthan. This trip was pivotal for many reasons. I had never traveled to India without my family or without the purpose of visiting family before, and while I would have loved to see my family, paid time off and my journey did not allow for it. I was able to spend some time with my mom in Delhi before taking off for the wedding weekend, and she met some of my friends as well. My dear, sweet friend, Siddharth, collected me from the Delhi airport as I landed late at night, and my mom and I were able to spend the following day with him (Sid was very helpful in helping us navigate the chaos of Delhi). More of my besties, Nikil and Shamina, were able to spend the next day with my mom and me, and I had a wonderful time introducing my mom to all of these meaningful people in my life.
In addition to the beautiful celebration that it was, Simran’s wedding was also an epic reunion of our college friends. I had so much fun laughing, dancing, drinking, eating, and chatting with everyone and I truly think that traveling, specifically internationally, with friends is one of the most special experiences one can have on this earth. The memories and the stories that I have to tell remain close to my heart.
Being with my mom for those couple of days in India was also substantial as we lost my grandmother (her mother), less than a couple of weeks prior. My grandmother was a true matriarch. She raised three children mostly on her own, taught biology, english, and dance in a time when many women were unable to work, was a state champion in table tennis, lived with rheumatoid arthritis, and survived breast cancer. Even though I had not seen her for quite some time (too long), I never imagined a day without her on this earth. A piece of my heart is missing, but I know that it is residing safely with her. I am so glad that I was able to see my mom so soon after my grandma’s passing; we do not realize how much time we spend away from our families after we become adults.
Twenty six had its fun moments with trips to Maine, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Vermont, Wisconsin, Philadelphia, and New York City. I was able to make memories in all of these places with either family, Ben, and/or friends. I visited Philly for the first time and I loved it! Vermont and Maine were beautiful, and I already knew that Rhode Island and New Hampshire were as well. I had the pleasure of helping my brother move to Wisconsin for his first post-grad, full-time job, and as always, I am so proud to be his older sister. I really cannot express my love for NYC enough; I often tell people that the city makes me feel so important and unimportant simultaneously. It’s magical.
My best friend, Harmanpreet, and I took a trip to Montreal together in April. This trip was definitely needed as Harmanpreet is now in residency and we’ve lived in different states for the past few years. I don’t really know how it is possible to exist without seeing one’s best friend for months at a time, but we’ve made it work throughout every chapter and I can always count on her to fully know and see me, even with miles and miles of distance. Our dear friend, Tripat, lives in Montreal, and we were able to spend two nights in beautiful sisterhood with her. We, quite literally, stayed awake until 3 am talking with each other both nights. I feel so grateful to have hometown friends who have recurring roles in every chapter of my life. I can confidently say that we have always, genuinely, rooted for each other and will continue to do so.
This past year marked the second year of taking Ben to Minnesota, and we had a grand time. My college besties, Sarah and Harold, had their wedding back in June and being able to finally introduce Ben to them (and our other bestie, Swad) meant a lot to me. Every day that I am able to spend in Minnesota, especially with my partner, is a blessing. I feel so at home there.
This year was a fantastic year for concerts. I saw so many of my favorite artists live that I was forced to create a new list of dream shows! Concerts from this past year include: Kacey Musgraves, Shaboozey, Vince Staples, Charles Wesley Godwin, Vansire (my hometown friends!), Kendrick Lamar, SZA, Beyoncé, Hozier, and Tyler the Creator. Typing this list gave me butterflies all over again. Stay tuned for the concerts I have scheduled for twenty seven!
I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the disappointment and heartbreak that I have over the presidential administration that was elected over the past year in the United States. I sat in my apartment with my roommate on the night of November 6th and watched the screen turn much too red. The sheer terror that I felt, and continue to feel, in every inch of my body is unfathomable. I was not enthused about either candidate (and I was privileged enough to express this sentiment living in a blue state), but to know that the man in the White House won by as much as he did is distressing. In addition to the ongoing (and, frankly, decades long) occupation and genocide in Palestine and the horrors in countless other places globally, we have undocumented people, people of color, queer and trans people, birthing people, children, and more (basically everyone) fearing for their lives in this country (unsurprising, but still terrifying) as well. Every bit of funding is being stripped, misinformation and disinformation are rampant, and I’ve seen one too many (to be clear, one in itself is already too many) flag stickers with blue lines through them on cars for my liking. Individualism, white, male podcast hosts, AI usage, and book banning are ruining us and I think that we all have every right to feel afraid. I urge everyone reading this to remain vocal about human rights, Palestine, trans rights, reproductive rights, and every single other issue. We cannot stop fighting for and alongside one another until we see a free Palestine, a greener earth, and kids who can go to school without fear of being killed. When I think about all of this, I find difficulty in even celebrating my twenty seventh birthday when we watched another school shooting happen just last week and people are starving to death in Gaza. What are we doing?
Fostering community is so important – now more than ever. Inviting people into our smaller circles, resource sharing, and being present for one another is essential in enacting greater impact. I am always open to chatting about any of this more or brainstorming ideas for how we can all be involved in our communities.
Society does not prepare those in their mid to late twenties for the amount of weddings, pregnancies, moves, house buying, and engagements happen on an almost weekly, if not daily, basis. This time in life is a blast, but it can also place immense pressure on us to avoid feeling behind or as though we are not doing enough. I want to say that I’ve released myself from all of the expectations that exist to hit specific milestones at specific ages, but I am not quite there yet. As a virgo and eldest daughter of immigrant parents, I cannot help having a timeline and a plan. I’ve also realized that the beauty of my mid to late twenties is the constant pivoting because of how much does not happen according to these self/societally imposed plans. I still have so much that I want to accomplish professionally and creatively.
My podcast and my blog continue to reach more and more people, and I want to spend more time cultivating these projects. I want to start writing my book. I want to create more Instagram reels (it’s so fun). I want to write, record, and release a song. I want to visit new countries and reconnect with old friends. I want to finally complete my first marathon (unfortunately, I was injured during training last year after having a terrible bout of COVID). I want to try new recipes and read even more books. Realizing that I have free will – true, adult, free will – has been liberating and I can choose to fill my time however I’d like.
Every year of my life is so formative and I expect this year to be even more so. I cannot wait to report back on my experiences and learnings, and I’m always thankful to have you all here with me. Cheers to twenty seven! XOXO
books read while twenty six (my faves/must reads are asterisked):
– Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple
– The Housemaid by Freida McFadden*
– The Housemaid’s Secret by Freida McFadden
– Love Medicine by Louise Erdrich
– Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
– All My Rage by Sabaa Tahir*
– The Housemaid Is Watching by Freida McFadden
– Pineapple Street by Jenny Jackson
– The Bangalore Detectives Club by Harini Nagendra
– Wicked by Gregory Maguire
– A Man of Two Faces by Viet Thanh Nguyen*
– The Rachel Incident by Caroline O’Donoghue*
– Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar*
– Yellowface by RF Kuang
– Sex: How Cannabis, CBD, and Other Plant Allies Can Improve Your Everyday Life by Merry Jane
– The Message by Ta-Nehisi Coates
– Nightcrawling by Leila Mottley
– Rosewater by Liv Little
– Great Big Beautiful Life by Emily Henry
– Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami
– One Golden Summer by Carley Fortune*
– White Tears/Brown Scars by Ruby Hamad*
– The Boyfriend by Freida McFadden
– Harlem Shuffle by Colson Whitehead
– I Have Some Questions for You by Rebecca Makkai
– Anita de Monte Laughs Last by Xochitl Gonzalez*
– ACE by Angela Chen
– currently reading: Childhood/Youth/Dependency by Tove Ditlevsen
instagram: @ natashasohni
podcast info: @lotsoflovepodcast on instagram, Lots of Love (with Natasha Sohni) on Spotify & Apple – linked here on my website as well
substack info: http://natashasohni.substack.com
check out my spotify playlists here
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Natasha Sohni 