Category: birthday

24th Birthday Reflection.

   

(Birthday Reflections is a series on my blog.)

Have you ever had a sneeze that is so visceral that you literally felt as though a weight had lifted off of your shoulders? This is the feeling that I am attempting to channel as I head into the next year of my life. Embodying the age of twenty three was unpleasant at times, and mundane at best. I am very grateful for my life and I had some fun experiences this past year, but I am ready to leave the feelings and thoughts that I associate with twenty three in the past. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I feel as though I have lost myself in some ways over the past year and I am unsure as to whether this is due to living in Boston, graduate school, world events, growth, or a combination of these.

I turned twenty three one day after my first semester of graduate school started here in Boston. I am thrilled to say that, despite some stressors, I successfully made it through my first year and managed to swing an early graduation! I only have one semester left and I will officially be Natasha Sohni, MPH come December. The Spring semester was definitely more challenging than the Fall, but I also felt more passionate about my classes and actively participated in discussions. Some highlights include writing a lengthy health care plan, including extensive budgets and policy proposals, for reducing harm from family homelessness in Los Angeles County (the final product was very far from perfect, but I learned lots throughout the process) and expanding my knowledge on substance use in Oregon. To my dismay, this past school year was also flooded by an abundance of problem sets in both quantitative methods (essentially, the basics of epidemiology and biostatistics) and health care finance. I did well in both classes, but this did not happen without frustration and ranting.

I started the last school year as First Year Representative for the Students of Color for Public Health (SCPH) and am now Vice President. I am happy to be involved on campus in a more relaxed fashion than I was in undergrad, and I have met some of the best people through SCPH. In addition to social events, I want to use my role to tackle hard hitting issues that people of color face and advocate for students’ needs. Our group is definitely a bridge to administration and I do not take that lightly. We have both Instagram and Twitter accounts, so feel free to give us a follow! Additionally, all BUSPH students are required to complete a practicum, and I just finished my internship with the Impact Center this past week to fulfill this requirement. My schedule was very flexible and along with drafting social media posts and newsletters, I gave feedback on the organization’s curriculum and audited their content through a diversity, equity, and inclusion lens. I am glad that I was able to build connections with some really great people while interning there. This fall, I am going to be a fellow on the Fair Share MA campaign which advocates for a four percent tax on millionaires in Massachusetts. I enjoy voter turnout work and fostering relationships, so I am excited to get started.

While I am not in love with Boston, I do believe that I am meant to be here at this moment in my life, and having the ability to familiarize myself with a new city is a privilege that I would not trade. Boston is a very ~interesting~ place, to say the least, and while the inefficiency of the roads and the transit system scares unsettle me, it does have its gems. Sure, I had a minor bus accident during which I was flung to the front of the bus and hit the windshield, Boston rent is taking all of my money, and Deepa (my fun, hilarious roommate) and I experienced a bit of a mice problem in our apartment, but at least I have stories to tell. I have had the pleasure of meeting some awesome people during my time here so far and, surprisingly, a few friends from both my hometown and the U of M have moved here as well. I spend a lot of time going on walks and runs to Jamaica Pond, which is a nice 4.6 mile loop from my apartment. I am surrounded by so many babies and puppies, and I could not have lived in a better location because of this. Reading a book by the Charles River at sunset or eating a bagel by the water in Seaport are experiences that cannot be traded. The winters in Minnesota are way more severe, in my opinion, than the winter that I experienced this past year in Boston purely due to the amount of snow and freezing windchill that Minnesota provides for us without fail. In a twisted way, I kind of missed the Minnesota winter.
Through sheer luck, I happened to land a job at the gym right below my apartment last Fall, and I have been working there since. As someone who values health and fitness, I am very grateful to have a health club that is accessible to me. I have definitely had some story time worthy interactions while working there, but these interactions make a potentially mundane job riveting.
Recently, my best friend, Kaitlyn, came to visit me in Boston after we had not seen each other for a little over one year. Having her here, in my space, was a piece of comfort for me and I only wish that we had more time together. I wish that we still lived in the same place and I could just walk down the street to her apartment like I could during undergrad. Harmanpreet was also visiting Boston at the same time, and having both of my best friends with me in the same place was wonderful. I do not know where I would be without either of them.

I am thrilled to say that my relationship with Neeraj is going well. While we have certainly had our fair share of lows, I am just glad that our relationship has survived long distance and we both envision a future together. I love him so much and I cannot wait to give him the biggest hug when he comes to visit me in 1.5(!!!) weeks.

In a world riddled with COVID and monkeypox and so much more, these past couple of years have been bleak regarding travel and concerts. Excitingly, after not attending any concerts for two years, I was able to hear lots of great artists live in 2022. These include Dua Saleh, UMI, LÉON, Vansire (my friends from high school went on a national tour!), and Leon Bridges. I have Noah Kahan, Novo Amor, and Jacob Banks on deck for this fall (this list might grow, haha). In addition to a fun camping trip at Pawtuckaway State Park in New Hampshire this Summer, hiking Mount Major in New Hampshire this past Spring, NYC and New Haven, Connecticut with my mom for her birthday in April, and roadtripping to Milwaukee with Neeraj over winter break, my family took a trip to Alaska in May! Alaska is a MUST SEE and I appreciated the natural landscape, interacting with people, and hiking. I even sang karaoke to a restaurant full of strangers while I was there. As a vegetarian, a variety in food options was difficult to find, but we did not visit the state for the cuisine, obviously. I will never forget this trip, and my time at home in Minnesota both before and after our Alaska travels was also peaceful. In some ways, I was sad to come back to Boston, but it was nice to get into a routine again.

One of my best friends from college, Erica, wedded her fiancé, Tom, in July! I shed a few tears during the night and I felt so happy being surrounded by so many of my friends. This was also my first wedding with Neeraj, which was special. Weddings will only grow more common over the next set of years of my life and while I am overwhelmed with shock because I am at this point, I am looking forward to all of the celebrations (including my own).

My mental health saw a lot of highs and a plethora of lows. While some may disagree, I feel like I am in my “flop” era in most facets of my life right now. I’ve mentioned this before, but I do not feel like the best version of myself in Boston. I find myself more upset, more annoyed, and more insecure. I have always struggled with body image, but the concept has been eating away at me over the past year. I want to write more about this, but I not emotionally ready to do so yet. Generally, I have reflected on the idea of good stress versus bad stress during the past few months, and it helps to just remind myself that while everything may not be perfect right now, I am able to attend graduate school, live in a new city, meet people often, and move my body in so many ways. Studying for exams, waking up at 5:15 am to open the gym, training for my REI Women’s 10K next month, and waiting for delayed buses may be pains at times, but at least I have the opportunity to experience these things.

In addition to my blog growth (every view counts, so thank you! remember to sign up to receive email notifications for when I post), at this time last year, I had 277 Spotify followers. I have now crossed the threshold into 300, rounding out at 305 currently! You can follow me here.

I do not think that I could live in a world without books. Some of my happiest places are bookstores and libraries. these are the books that I read this past year (in order of when I read them, asterisk = definitely recommend!):
– Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi*
– The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson
– The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein*
– The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett
– Daughters of Smoke and Fire by Ava Homa*
– The Refugees by Viet Thanh Nguyen
– Paradise by Toni Morrison
– The Glass Hotel by Emily St. John Mandel
– See No Stranger by Valarie Kaur*
– It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover
– All Along You Were Blooming by Morgan Harper Nichols
– The Year of Blue Water by Yanyi*
– The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest by Stieg Larsson
– Miracle Creek by Angie Kim
– The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren
– The Spanish Love Deception by Elena Armas*
– People We Meet on Vacation by Emily Henry*
– The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman*
– The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides
– Book Lovers by Emily Henry
– The Night Watchman by Louise Erdrich*
– Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid
– The Committed by Viet Thanh Nguyen
– In a Holidaze by Christina Lauren
– Normal People by Sally Rooney*
– Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng
– Winter in Paradise by Elin Hilderbrand
– All About Love by bell hooks
– Serena Singh Flips the Script by Sonya Lalli
– LaRose by Louise Erdrich
– The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
– Well-Behaved Indian Women by Saumya Dave
– The Soulmate Equation by Christina Lauren
– And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini*
– Anxious People by Fredrik Backman*
– White Rage by Carol Anderson* (required reading for white and non-Black POC!)
– currently reading: Writers and Lovers by Lily King

I have a feeling that twenty four will be enlightening and exciting and a lot of other good things. I have gotten a lot better at establishing my boundaries and protecting my peace, and I have improved a bit in advocating for myself. Flop era or otherwise, I can honestly say that I am proud of myself and my growth. If I am anything, I am brave, and the culmination of several events in my life thus far have proven this to me.

As always, I am glad that you all are witnessing me step into the age of twenty four. Being alive and making it to another year is a blessing in itself – shoutout to my parents for my existence and shoutout to all of you for getting me to where I am. ❤

DONATE HERE:
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23rd Birthday Reflection.

      

(Birthday Reflections is a series on my blog.)

This year, I am celebrating my twenty third birthday in a new home surrounded by mostly new people. I did not expect to see myself in Boston when I turned twenty two last year, but here I am. I am glad that I am here, and I am glad that so many people could take part in my last trip around the sun.

I will not dwell on it much, but this past year was obviously impacted by the COVID pandemic. I am still here and I am grateful to be able to say that. I think that we all experienced a lot of loss and health scares, COVID-related and otherwise, and I am not going to try and sugarcoat this acknowledgement. I just hope that my readers (and non-readers, of course) are doing well.

Over the past year, I had the pleasure of working at a non-profit, called the Intercultural Mutual Assistance Association, as its Diversity & Inclusion Specialist. Naturally, every job has highs and lows, but I think that I can reflect on my first job post-graduation with a lot of gratitude. The IMAA staff makeup is primarily people of color, and I learned so much through engaging with so many different cultures, histories, and experiences. I spent many days educating individuals and organizations on diversity and inclusion practices, and while this was draining at times, it was also fulfilling to see the results of my work. For example, organizations changed the ways in which they recruit and hire, the language that they use, and the ways in which they show support for their marginalized staff. Many tears were shed and hard conversations were had, but I do not think that I would have been successful at my job otherwise. I met some amazing people through this opportunity and I will never forget how much they impacted me. I was able to learn so much about myself and what I wanted in my future. While educating is inevitable and important, this position only confirmed my desire to focus more on working with marginalized populations and practicing mutual aid rather than listening to the grievances of those in power. The hardest part of this job was having conversations with those who voted differently than I did or refused to support basic human rights, but I think that I was able to change a lot of minds through doing so. I will say that compensation is essential and one should not have to explain themselves or tell their stories without it.

During this time, I decided to apply to graduate school. I knew that I wanted to take the next step in my career and, at the very least, move to a new place. As much as I love Minnesota, I have wanted to leave the state for a while. I felt as though everyone was just too comfortable and this made me uncomfortable. I was tired of living within my familiar box. I told myself that if I did not get into graduate school, I would apply to jobs in other cities that align more with where I envision myself in the future and move regardless. I applied to Boston University and a couple of other schools for my Master’s in Public Health (though I wish that I had applied to more for curiosity’s sake), and I ultimately decided that BU would be the best fit for me. I am so happy with my choice and I am honored to be attending such a reputable public health school. Everyone within the school truly wants everyone else to succeed. I plan on pursuing the Health Policy & Law and Human Rights & Social Justice certificates, and these certificates are a part of what drew me to BU. I am now writing this blog post in Boston (in my new apartment!) and I will have had my first day of class by the time my birthday arrives. As excited and ready as I am to live in a new state, I also feel nervous. I am not really around anything that makes me feel at home or comfortable quite yet, but I keep reminding myself that I want to be uncomfortable. I keep reminding myself that I have been through so many hard situations. I keep reminding myself that I have myself.

As I mentioned in last year’s post, I am in a relationship. Neeraj and I are approaching one year and three months together and I am thrilled. We are so different, but we complement each other in necessary ways. Every day is not sunshine, but I am thankful to have the privilege of watching the rain fall while in his arms. I am not really sure how someone can be as adorable and silly and interesting as he is, and I am definitely not complaining. Long distance is going to be a challenge (I already miss him so much), but I fully believe that if two people want to make a relationship work, they will. I cannot wait to show him around my new home. I am sending you lots of “X”s and “O”s, Neeraj.

I am so grateful for all of the new friends whom I have made over the course of year twenty two. I did not expect to meet so many people, both virtually and in person (safely), but I have been able to understand myself and the way that other people view me in their lives more than ever before. My time and my priorities become more valuable to me as I grow older, and I try my best to protect my peace. I do think that people show you, over time, how much you matter to them, and I have learned to accept that I may not matter as much to certain individuals as I do to others or as I think I should. This is okay. As an extrovert, I can over-extend myself, and I now appreciate the quiet moments just as much as the energizing ones. I took more bubble baths and watched Wheel of Fortune with my parents quite often. I watched a lot of new shows and read a lot of books. I spent a lot of time driving to the cities and to Rochester which equated to a lot of time for music and podcasts. I did all of this and was still able to spend lots of time surrounded by loved ones. While I avoided traveling internationally, I was able to make a trip to Chicago with Neeraj and a couple of other friends as well as visit Door County, Wisconsin with my family.

Fortunately, I did not have COVID at all during this past year. I did not even have a prominent cold and I credit this to the vaccine (Pfizer crew!), masks, sanitizer, and avid hand washing. I urge everyone who is reading this to receive the vaccine. I know that people are afraid, but the numbers do show that the vaccine is helpful and does not have adverse side effects. I have seen, and still do see, other countries struggling to acquire vaccines and I think that if we have them at our fingertips, we should take advantage of them. We are helping other people in addition to helping ourselves.
In other news, my headaches are still as strong as ever, but I am trying my best to manage them. Some triggers are difficult to avoid given the nature of our world, but at least I am able to recognize the signs. Despite the increase in screen time due to the pandemic and working remotely, my eyesight actually improved! I was so surprised and excited when the doctor told me this news. My new glasses will be coming in the mail some time soon.
I have been hesitant to share this, but like many others, I did gain some weight over the past year. As someone who is passionate about health and fitness, this bothers me, but I do my best to avoid letting it discourage me. I just happened to eat some more ice cream during this time, but at least I was here to eat it.

I am thrilled to announce that I have my own domain now! My website is simply natashasohni.com (you are on it!). I am so grateful for all of my readers. Your views do help me so much. In addition to my posts, I have tabs for my favorite items/artists/shows/movies as well as organizations to support. This time last year, I had 258 Spotify followers, and now I have 277! listen to my Fall 2021 playlist here

I had the honor of being a guest on a few different podcasts over the past year! I appreciate how much people care about the things that I have to say, and I hope that I can open the door for other people and shed some light on the issues about which I care. take a listen here (these are available on all platforms):
– Feed That Nation: How Does University Student Government Work?
– Water Cooler Talk: Critical Location Theory
– Resistance in Color: Part 10

Books are gems that we do not deserve. these are my reads from the past year:
– Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens
– Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
– Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire
– American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins
– Becoming by Michelle Obama
– Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng
– I Would Leave Me If I Could: A Collection of Poetry by Halsey
– Freedom is a Constant Struggle by Angela Davis
– Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
– Room by Emma Donoghue
– The Alchemist by Paul Coehlo
– The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
– The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates
– Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall
– Bunny by Mona Awad
– Beach Read by Emily Henry
– currently reading Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi

I would consider myself an emotionally intelligent person. This being said, I feel like I have grown emotionally numb to some situations during this past year. I think that I am just exhausted. Prior to my move to Boston, days were starting to blur together, and the world was quite literally hopping from one fire to the next. It still is. As much as all of this, frankly, sucks, we can also use it to reinvigorate ourselves. So many people are fighting for their lives, and all of our lives, every single day. A defeatist mentality does not always help because we are still here. We are still alive and the need for activism is only growing. With twenty three at my fingertips, I feel excitement and fear and everything in between these two. I hug my family, friends, and stuffed animals even more tightly. I put so much pressure on myself to wake up every single day and save the world, but I am here to remind myself and my readers that the entire world does not rest on one person’s shoulders. Others will always be there to hold our hands.

thank you for holding mine as I turn twenty three ❤

donate here:
– https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-greater-texas
– https://namimn.org/get-involved/donate_now/
– miles4migrants.org

21st Birthday Reflection.

              

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and do not reflect those of the organizations, representatives, or folks mentioned in this post. Additionally, I am aware of my privilege and thankful for the opportunities I have had. This post is going to be long, but please read all of it.

Wow. I keep thinking about the words that are about to flow into this post and I feel so much pain. I am choosing to be candid because how do I, or any of you reading this, benefit from this post if I am not? I probably will not sugarcoat too much. This is hard for me to write.

I feel as though I share a lot on my blog, and even more in real life, and I’ve only grown to be more open and vulnerable within the past year. Every time I post something, I’m completely terrified. Every time I share a piece of myself with someone, I’m completely terrified. So many of my friends ask me how I do it. Honestly, I do not know if I have the “right” answer in terms of how to practice vulnerability. I think a lot of this is just who I am and my personality, but my thought process has always centered around reminding myself, often, that I will never regret being vulnerable. I can never be blamed for withholding how I feel.

Every year, on my birthday, I go on a sunrise run. I do this to show myself that even though sunsets exist, sunrises do too. Additionally, joy exists in looking forward to a beautiful view.

Much of this past year has been beautiful. I held leadership positions at my university and worked on meaningful initiatives. In the past, I had always dreamed of speaking at a rally because I saw so many of my role models within the political field do the same. I accomplished this goal and spoke at a Planned Parenthood Get Out the Vote rally last fall alongside a good friend and amazing advocate, US Senator Tina Smith, former Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards, Lieutenant Governor Peggy Flanagan, US Senator Catherine Cortez Masto, and at-large Minneapolis School Board Member Kimberly Caprini. Events like these pave the way for women in politics, and I am honored to be a part of this movement.

During election season, our team increased voter turnout in student precincts by over one hundred percent. We worked to have so many progressive candidates elected and while these times may be daunting politically, I think we can all acknowledge that they are exciting as well. I had an amazing experience last November and spoke on a BBC international radio show, and I still cannot believe that this happened. A mentor of mine once told me that importance exists in just buckling down and doing good work. If you do good work, regardless of where you are, people will notice and honor it.

This summer, I had the opportunity to intern at Tina Smith’s Senate office. The work environment was fun and I had a lot of interesting conversations with my fellow interns. We all got along super well, and I think, being in an office where the work, at times, can be mundane (scanning documents, answering constituent calls, writing letters), having great people alongside oneself is essential. I had a cool boss and us interns were paired with staffers based on our interests, so I was paired with the Diversity & Inclusion Outreach staffer and Healthcare & Aging Outreach staffer. Both of them are incredible women and I learned lots just by having conversations with them. I was able to partake in meetings and visit fascinating places such as the Federal Reserve. I learned a lot about what the work is like in a senate office as well as a lot about myself.

Over the past year, I have been fortunate to travel a fair amount. Last fall, I attended a national student government conference in New Orleans, and I could say a lot about the experiences I had there, but I think I will just say that it was interesting for sure. We were there over the weekend of Brett Kavanaugh’s unfortunate and scary, in my opinion, confirmation to the Supreme Court, and I heard some discouraging viewpoints regarding the matter. I am not sure how I managed to accomplish this given my packed schedule (take a look at my Google calendar), but I was able to fly to London for a weekend in April with my mom. To be honest, I thrived. I lived. I know that not everyone can afford to travel like this and I am so blessed to have a mother who would think of me when booking trips like this, but I needed it. I needed to clear my head and escape from the environment that was breaking me. I feel as though this trip also contributed positively to the relationship I have with my mom. I think that we have become closer throughout my time in college, but we became that even closer over this trip as well. I admire her so much.

I recently visited my family in India. We travel there every couple of years, and I enjoyed seeing my family. At the same time, I struggled quite a bit because I am constantly on the go, but I spent a lot of time sitting with my own thoughts while I was there. I felt anxious because my thoughts consumed me, and while I had fulfilling conversations with family members and read a couple books, I like to be moving. I really hope some of my family members in India visit us here at some point soon because I would love to show them a little bit of my world as well. Easy and comfortable living is not common in India. If you’re reading this, I urge you to visit the country at some point in your life because while it is beautiful, everyday life is not anything like how it is here in the United States. I am reminded of this every time I visit, and I am glad that I am. If you’d love to discuss India’s social and political climate with me sometime, let me know and we can grab coffee or take a walk.

This next part is going to be tough to write. As many know, I was in a long-term relationship that ended in February. I felt as though my soul had been sucked out of me and I had been shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. I still feel so much pain just from remembering the pain that this Natasha was feeling. Out of respect for him, I will not be sharing specific details, but we had gotten back together after breaking up once in May 2018, and I do not think either of us had healed from that previous breakup when we decided to do so. He is not toxic, but the relationship was. I can say that I deserve better, but I do not mean that I deserve a better person; I just deserve better treatment. I spent more time crying than I did smiling when I was with him. I would miss him when he was lying right next to me. I know that I showered him with as much love as I could muster, but if I have learned anything over time, it is that love is not enough to make a relationship work. I threw love at every problem, but the problems were never resolved. I just broke a little bit more with every single one. I will always have love for him, but I deserve someone who will respect not only me, but my love and my time. As Lewis Capaldi sings in Bruises, “it’s your love I’m lost in, and I’m tired of being so exhausted.” He struggled to treat me well and he admitted that he did. He did not have it in him because he did not love himself and was not secure in his life here, and how you treat others is often reflected in how you treat yourself.

I have noticed that my mental health is infinitely worse over breaks. My depression and anxiety were much worse over the winter, spring, and summer breaks. Winter break was especially troubling because I had moved out of my apartment due to a tough roommate situation and I spent most of it in Rochester. I love spending time with my family, but I do not like residing in a town that has not grown with me. I started 2019 and spring semester on a sad note, was trying to mend a broken relationship, and I actually lost an incredible amount of weight on top of already facing eating disorder (I have gained most of it back). My anxiety and depression were so horrible that, even as a high-functioning person, I started missing classes (I did alright academically despite this) and was too sad or anxious to make food and eat it. I still struggle with eating disorder, but I do my best to work through it. I have an immense amount of cysts on my scalp due to stress, most likely, and had a few of them removed at the beginning of the semester. The surgery was kind of horrible and this did not help my anxiety.

I started consistently attending therapy during this time, and I am glad that I am now taking steps to better my mental health. Growth is not linear, and I still struggle, but after my breakup, I felt lighter. I am more outspoken, and I love and appreciate my existence. I pay so much attention to where I place my energy. I have always had high emotional intelligence, but I am more forward about verbalizing how I feel, and have done so especially in the romantic experiences I have had since my relationship. All good things take time, and I continue to put myself out there and share my heart because I know that the relationships I have with other people are formative for my personality type. I am who I am because of others. I can be hurt a million times, but I will never close myself off to new experiences, or love, or the risk of heartache. If I know that I have given something or someone all that I can, I do not need to blame myself for whatever happens next. Building walls is the easy option, but relationships, dating, and loving in general is hard. The easy option will not work in the long run. My friends and family have told me in the past to stop investing so much into others because I am hurt so often, but why should I change myself because of how others treat me? I am going to be exactly who I am, and I would want the men I date, and especially whoever my life partner is, to value this. We will see what happens in the coming days.

For some reason, I was unable to cry for about four months over this past year. I might have cried so much before then that I did not have any tears left, but I often had the urge to cry because I am such an emotional person and could not bring myself to do it. Luckily, this has been resolved and I have cried a fair amount recently. Crying can be therapeutic and I do not think that anyone should ever be afraid to shed a few tears. I have realized that driving, running, singing, and yoga are also very therapeutic for me, and I know that I mentioned this months ago on my blog, but I might invest in a yoga membership. I would like to have a more consistent practice.

On a spiritual and religious note, as I grow older, I question religion more and more. I have always had an existential mind, but religion, frankly, makes me angry. I respect the concept of religion because I think having faith in oneself and the future is important, but in my opinion, it is socially constructed and this should be recognized just the same. I find so much frustration in the fact that religion causes so much hate in this world. We have folks dying at the hands of it coupled with other concepts such as power. While I like to believe in a greater being and do pray occasionally (always thanking, never asking), I think a lot of folks are hypocritical when it comes to practicing their respective religions (based on what they preach). I am Hindu by birth, and do celebrate the cultural holidays we have when possible, but I am careful about letting it guide me or believing in it so much that I lose myself to it. I would rather decide my own morals and values, and follow them “religiously” (nice word play there, Nat) if that makes sense.

In other news, I decided to finally have my ears pierced this past year and now have double piercings. I really like it. Last year, at this time, I had sixty (60) Spotify followers. I now have two hundred and seventeen (217)!!! I appreciate the support and if you do not follow me on Spotify, I recommend that you do. I saw Aminé and 6LACK in concert and saw Rupi Kaur speak last fall, and I really needed to hear a lot of what she said. I am now the President of the College of Liberal Arts Student Board as well as the Coalition for Progressive Change, and I am a Research Assistant at the Minnesota Population Center on the IPUMS-DHS project. I am also on the University of Minnesota Homecoming Royalty court, and the other royals are awesome. I have a few concerts scheduled in the coming months as well including Pink Sweat$, Lewis Capaldi, and my favorite band of all time (FBOAT, if you will) Bon Iver. I will be seeing Bon Iver in North Carolina and my mother is attending the concert with me. I cannot wait. My travel bug bite is large, so I have some other trips in the works too. I have really fun roommates and, given that I do, I know that I will have a really fun senior year of college.

I have grappled a bit with imposter syndrome over the past year (and my entire life), and I think my accomplishments and the leadership positions I have acquired have contributed to this. I know that I work hard, but I am well aware of my privileges and I often question whether I am really qualified in that regard. I feel as though I am floating and drowning and internally screaming all at once. I do not think most folks understand what it is like to be inside of my head, but my mind overwhelms me.

I think a few folks deserve to be mentioned in this post. I would like to thank my mother, father, and brother for every family lunch, hug, and gossip session. We may have the occasional disagreement, but they always tell me that they are proud of me and this means the world. Many do not have intact family units and I will never take mine for granted. Family, when you’re reading this, I love you and appreciate you. I (literally and figuratively) would not be here without all of you. My successes do not mean much without acknowledging the ladder you built for me.

I do not know how I would have gotten through this year without my best friend and future maid of honor, Harmanpreet. She has wiped my tears too many times to count and she knows exactly what I need to hear. I am probably too protective of her, but she deserves all of the success and happiness in the world, and I will do everything I can to contribute to this.

I have set a few goals. I plan on running a marathon before I am thirty, desire to improve my posture, and I *will* have a job upon graduation in May. I am looking to work for a non-profit, or some government or politically related department for a couple years before attending graduate school for a Master’s degree in Public Policy/Global Health Policy. Additionally, I have the dream of working for Spotify, so if the opportunity arises, that’d be cool.

The world can be scary personally, professionally, domestically, and globally. I am terrified. I do not like uncertainty. I do not like feeling alone or feeling lost. I am terrified, but music exists. Sunrises exist. Love exists. Google Calendar exists. While I bask in my uncertainty and existential crises, I am going to be proactive. I am going to blast my favorite songs, fall in love with myself and those around me, stay organized, and simply just live. My heart is often enveloped in pain, but pain is how one grows. I know that energy is contagious, and I will always do my best to exude it positively.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure we call life over the past year and for reading this post. I am blessed to be here. We all are. If you’ll excuse me, I am going to drink a glass of rosé as I am now twenty one.

20th Birthday Reflection.

           

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Frankly, when I reflect on the majority of this past year, I am met with negativity. When reading this, please keep in mind that I am grateful for all I have. I will never forget that. I had some of the most amazing and fun experiences of my life, but the highs were so high and the lows were incredibly low. Most of the memories I have from this year contain certain people and it hurts to think about them, but I have reached the point in which I can think of these memories happily as well. I am going to be brutally honest in this blog post and I think I deserve to be. I am finally learning to love myself and I will not apologize for it.

One lesson that I have learned from this past year and what stands out to me the most is the importance of one’s environment. During the past few years of my life, I have worked diligently to ensure that my surroundings uplift me, so this year was extremely disappointing due to the negative (and often sarcastic) environment in which I often resided. I frequently felt excluded and misunderstood, and I think I finally snapped. I once tweeted, “do you ever just wait for the day when you don’t have to interact with certain people anymore” and I stand by that even more so now. Certain people in your life may be great, but maybe they’re only great in small doses.

Academically, I had some hard classes, but I feel as though my work ethic and studying habits improved lots over the course of the year. My fall semester GPA was atrocious, but my spring semester GPA was fantastic and I am so proud of myself for working that hard. I often prioritize extra-curricular activities and friends over my academics because of how extroverted I am, but I was able to balance everything so well despite the issues I faced.

This is going to be heavy. This summer was probably the worst summer I have ever experienced, but I also learned so much and had amazing opportunities. I feel as though this period of time clouds my judgment on this past year as a whole, but I think that the past school year led to this breaking point. Due to the constant stressors I faced over the school year, my mental health deteriorated. I have struggled for many years, but a point arose in which my ex-boyfriend pushed me to receive help because it was impacting my mood, my health, and my relationship with him. I am so thankful for his push. In April, I visited the mental health clinic at my University and was met with scary news. I scored red, or extreme, for suicidal ideation and was diagnosed with Major Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorder. I expected the first two, but not the latter. Additionally, I have terrible insomnia, frequent headaches, dermatitis and cysts on my scalp, and warts on my foot, so I feel even more overwhelmed sometimes. I am grateful to those who love me and support me despite all of this, and I hope that others can learn to accept me for who I am. My mental illnesses are very much so a part of me, but they do not define me, and I think I have proven myself capable and strong despite all of it. While meeting with the therapist, I emphasized my fear of my mental illnesses affecting my relationship greatly, but I know that I should not have examined them in this way. I prioritized saving my relationship over taking care of myself when I should have done the opposite. I was living an unhealthy lifestyle and maybe things have improved since then, or maybe they have not, but I am now working on improving my habits for myself and only myself.

I think I have learned quite a bit about relationships of all kinds over this past year. Not all friendships will stay. Not all friendships will remain the same. Last fall, I became very close with three amazing people. We studied for a class together almost every day and I would like to think that we were best friends at the time. These individuals had my back and I had never felt so supported. I fell in love with one of them, things became busier, and we drifted apart as a group, but still remained close with each other individually throughout the spring. Relationships change and this is okay. We often think of heartbreak in a romantic sense, but I have been hurt by so many of my friends throughout the past few years as well. Usually, being a light for others makes me happy and as an extrovert, I thrive by being surrounded by others constantly, but I just feel so drained. I am so tired of investing in people when they do not do the same. I am tired of being gaslighted and adjusting to what others want because I am expected to be “okay” with everything, and I am tired of being a doormat. One of the three folks I mentioned earlier once said to me, “Nat, nothing matters more to me than your happiness. You need to make sure you are happy before anyone else.” I think about this every day because he said this to me at one of my lowest points. Further, he is one of my only friends to ever tell me this. On that same token, I have realized how little most of my friends care. I know that not everyone is outgoing or is nearly as extroverted as I am, but I cannot help how hurt I feel. I just have to remember that if people choose to remove themselves, the decision to do so is not necessarily my fault. If people care, they will show it. We tend to over complicate situations and justify actions, but ultimately, things are this simple.

I am pretty frustrated and angry with some things and some people. I am pretty hurt. All I have ever done is try, though, and I know I deserve better. I stand by what I’ve said in the past: do not give up on those you love, but sometimes letting things run their courses is better than draining oneself.

I want to be careful with my heart, but I also know that doing so is not who I am. I love spreading love, I love sharing my heart, and I am open with others so that they can feel comfortable and open with me. I am often heartbroken and hurt, but if my light makes a difference in at least one person’s life, investing in others is worth it for me. I am proud of how vulnerable I am. I am proud of the love I give to others. I have a lot of faith in people and I know it. I probably always will.

I can name less than five people who truly understand me. I am an open book, but knowing everything about me is not the same as knowing who I am. I do not think that how long one has known another plays a role in how well one knows another. I have only recently met people who know and love me for all I am. I feel so disconnected and removed from certain people and this is difficult and frustrating, but everything happens for a reason (as annoying as this is).

Some recent situations have also led me to a life crisis in terms of career. I despise competition, I am not cutthroat, I want everyone to be happy with their lives and with me every single second, I have a Type A personality, but I want to be a politician? I had to do a lot of reflecting this summer over what being involved in politics means to me. I reminded myself that I chose this path purely, and only, because I want to help others. I am blessed and have quite a lot of privilege, so I want to use the resources and opportunities available to me to assist those who have less. I value transparency and authenticity, and I think the political realm could use a lot more of both. I vow to remain clean and genuine, and if I ever lose a race because of this, then so be it. One does not have to have a title to make a difference and the issues I want to tackle are much larger than myself and my own goals.

On a more positive note, I have had some AMAZING experiences this past year. I am working on Ilhan Omar’s campaign for Congress (!!!), interned at the Children’s Defense Fund, traveled to Washington D.C., Israel, Palestine, and Canada, worked on some beautiful initiatives in student government and am excited for my role as Ranking At-Large Representative this year, am the Director of Events and Programming for first-year and transfer students in the College of Liberal Arts, have sixty Spotify followers and have made some really great playlists (in my opinion), attended two fraternity formals and a couple wedding receptions, learned lots from a relationship, sang at multiple events, attended football games and concerts, tried new restaurants, lived in my first apartment, obtained some pretty cool Chaco tan lines, and have met a few wonderful people who have added so much to my life. I have laughed just as much as I have cried. This past year produced a lot of great music. Most importantly, after losing myself, I finally feel as though I am finding myself once again. In general, I am high strung and do not have much peace of mind, but I also know who and what grounds me and I am working to have more of those people and things in my life. Sometimes we have to break down in order to break through our issues.

I credit music (follow me on Spotify @natsohni or Natasha Sohni), running, my pillow pet Willie, elephants, puppies, blueberries, sunrises, hugs, water, caramel lattes with almond milk, Twitter, Snapchat stories, and around ten people for helping me through this year. Just know that I am thinking of all of you while writing this blog post at midnight on my birthday. I could write so much more, but I will be expanding on all of this in my blogs to come.

Here’s to no longer being a teenager. Here’s to twenty.

 

19th Birthday Reflection.

     

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Where should I begin?

When one thinks of turning nineteen, she probably doesn’t think of much. The age isn’t necessarily considered a milestone and at most sounds a tad bit more mature than eighteen. For some reason, though, I was a little more excited about my birthday this year than I usually am (I’m usually not very excited). I spent the day going to brunch with my friends and roommates, and later attended the State Fair with some of my best friends. I was also able to watch some Harry Potter.

I would say I remember birthdays quite well. I’m sure many others have a knack for this too, but I also remember to somehow personally wish each person. I think, due to this, I am always curious and excited to see who will actually take the time to wish me. In this process, I also am surprised by those who don’t wish me (and these are folks who definitely know when my birthday is). Ultimately, I feel quite guilty if I do not wish someone a Happy Birthday, but I guess I may be alone in this feeling.

I think I’ve definitely learned quite a bit about myself this past year.  I truly feel as though I have discovered what makes me “happy” and what I want from myself, my relationships, my friendships, my family, my schooling, my passions, and my career. I am more comfortable sharing my opinions as I have definitely learned lots within and outside of my schooling.

I have met so many people and have made so many wonderful friends. I know I will have the friendships I’ve made for the rest of my life. While I consider practically everyone I know a friend, I know those whom I consider my closest or best friends now will always have my best interests in mind (I will do the same).

I am now an Event Officer on my college’s Student Board and am an At-Large Representative in my University’s student government. I had an interesting internship this summer with County government and I truly felt as though my opinion was valued.

While I’m grateful for all of these positive factors, I must, of course, discuss the negatives. I would say, even during my Senior year of High School, my anxiety heightened quite a bit more than it already had. I believe I am now mainly a “Type A” personality and can be annoyingly specific about how I (and those around me) complete tasks. While this has, obviously, affected my mental health even more than it already was, I try to remind myself to remain calm within my storm of worries. I am often quite hard on myself and this is frequently reflected physically on my body (I suffer from dermatitis and cysts on my scalp due to emotional stress). All good things take time, so I will continue to do what I can to better and maintain my health.

Ultimately, I am incredibly indebted to the positive influences I have for making my life what it is currently. Many do not have the opportunity to see the age of nineteen and I can only hope that I do it justice. My youth and / or age should not have any significance in how much of a difference I make during my time here.