Category: family

28th Birthday Reflection.

          

(Birthday reflections is a series on my blog.)

Another trip around the sun and I feel more lost than ever before. Every day, I look down at my hands and feet and thank the universe for another day in this life. As most know, I am not religious and I struggle with not knowing the answers to most of the Big Questions, but I do believe that I have a purpose on this earth (as we all do) and I will never cease my pursuance of discovering it. This year has tested me in many ways, yet it was also very fun. The greatest battle was balancing the sad with the happy, and I have realized that much of adulthood is doing this never-ending dance.

For better or for worse, I still live in Boston. I cannot believe that I have lived here for the better part of five years. I turned twenty three here and now I am fast approaching twenty eight. This city has pushed me in a plethora of ways for which I did not necessarily ask, but am grateful to have experienced. I am more confident in my convictions and my ability to say “no.” Honestly, I often say that I have never felt worse about myself than during my time in Boston, but even writing the previous sentence and reflecting on the ways in which I have grown remind me that I’ve accomplished a lot even if it cannot be measured in numbers or tangible results.

My biggest gripe with this city is that it is expensive and I do not think that the expenses are worth the experience. I have found my gems and my community, and I enjoy the proximity to the rest of New England as well as Europe, but most of the people I know here are either in credit card debt, do not have much in savings, or work one or two more jobs on top of their full time position. We have a lot of fun and I have so many stories to tell, but I feel as though every day is focused on keeping myself afloat rather than thriving. This being said, I do think that this is also a product of being in my twenties. We are all simply trying to make our puzzle pieces fit together.

Ben and I have lived together for just over a year now. I am proud of us. We have been through so much together and we learn something new about each other constantly. I love being able to come home to him and fill him in on my days and the latest gossip. I love being able to hug him and I love being calmed by him. We have created the warmest, coziest, and brightest space for ourselves and it only makes me more excited for our future places. Naturally, living with one’s partner is not always sunshine and rainbows because we are two individual people, but the willingness to understand each other has provided us with the tools to work through any challenges that arise. I have never felt more comfortable around a partner.
We have been able to host some fun events at our place as a couple including our housewarming party, Ben’s birthday party, and a Super Bowl party. I love having all of our friends gather at our place and fostering such a warm environment.

During the weekend after my birthday last year, Ben took me to the Berkshires for a cabin getaway. I enjoyed visiting an area that I had never seen before and I also had the best London fog that I have ever had at a local cafe there. Interestingly enough, some of the best Indian food that I have eaten in the northeast was also at a restaurant in the Berkshires! As luck would have it, Lake Street Dive performed at the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art (Mass MoCA) in North Adams, so we managed to snag tickets to their show. The performance was fantastic, and the outdoorsy backdrop of the woods and mountains during it was the icing on the cake.
In addition to this trip, I have also spent more and more time in Western Massachusetts as Ben is from Amherst. I never thought that I would be so familiar with this area, but I’m not complaining. Western Massachusetts is beautiful.
As I mentioned previously, a pro of living in Boston is its proximity to so many other states. When my parents visited last fall, we were able to take them to Maine for the day, and my friends and I make frequent trips to Rhode Island. We love visiting the Nitro Bar and one of my best friends, Caroline, has done a wonderful job of showing us around her home state.
Unfortunately, Ben and I did become riddled with COVID last fall, and my brother, Neil, was supposed to visit us the week that this happened. He was able to reschedule his trip to December and we had a great time experiencing the holiday season in Boston together, but having COVID was quite unpleasant and discouraging. I try to take as many precautions as possible and still mask on trains and planes, but I am also glad that Ben and I take our vaccinations yearly so that we can lessen the pain and side effects of this virus. (If you’re reading this, schedule your flu & COVID vaccination appointments today!)

Excitingly, I was able to make a few trips to New York City over the past year. I love how magical and important and unimportant everything feels there. In the fall, Ben and I traveled to NYC with some of our best friends, Nikil and Chris, and we visited our friends, Simran and Apurv, for the weekend. So many memories were created during this trip and I cannot wait to create more in the future. This past spring, I took another, very spontaneous trip to NYC with my best friends, Leedya and Caroline, so that Caroline could run the NYC Women’s Half Marathon.
I was very grateful for this trip as we had such a lovely time together. I was also able to see my best friend, future maid of honor, and soul sister, Harmanpreet, at her new apartment. Spending time with her in this environment was such a treat as we have known each other since high school and have grown so much in the meantime. I am so happy that I am entering yet another year of life (and the rest of forever) with her by my side.
In addition to these trips, I was able to spend a few days in Chicago in the spring. I visited family as well as my one of my best friends, Rachel, and we couldn’t stop chatting the entire time. I was able to see some of my closest college and post-grad friends, Chad, Rachel, Amy, Rebecca, and Jamie, while there. Chicago is such an awesome place and I love seeing it through my friends’ eyes.
I had the opportunity to visit Colorado for the first time in June and it was so interesting. I felt so much closer to the clouds, was annoyed and disturbed by the Denver airport (Blucifer, anyone?), and loved visiting Pikes Peak (despite the altitude sickness) as well as the Garden of the Gods. I would love to visit again and see more of my friends who live there.
It goes without saying, but I spent a fair amount of time in Minnesota this year as my parents still live there. I love Minnesota so much and I have a lot of pride for the state. Minnesotans have always been resilient, and the organizing against the ICE occupation earlier this year only cements this. I had the privilege of seeing Noah Kahan live in Minnesota this past August (my second time seeing him and Ben’s first time, our first time together) and the show was so meaningful to me given that his newest album revolves around the idea of leaving home and coming home. Everything has changed and simultaneously stayed the same in my home state.

Over the past few years (and my entire life), I have struggled with body image, weight loss, and weight gain. I gained a bit of weight and this has also impacted the way that I feel about myself and the feelings that I associate with Boston and really anything post graduating from college. I have spent so much time worrying about what to wear each day and how I look in pictures. It’s exhausting. Part of my discouragement also comes from the fact that I am a very active person. I exercise most days of the week and also live in a city that requires me to walk a lot. I was tired of not receiving any relevant answers, so I decided to advocate for myself more with my doctor and take concrete steps. I am happy to report that I am making good progress and already feel loads better in my body. I am doing my best to avoid internalizing the “skinny epidemic” in which we find ourselves currently. I recognize the importance of women having muscle and strength, and while society may not think that this is crucial to the protection of women and girls everywhere, it is. Our successes, let alone our survival, depend on our strengths.
Earlier this year, I completed my first half marathon (13.1 miles/21.1 kilometers)! I had the incredible opportunity to run the Newport Half Marathon alongside a few of my friends. The course was stunning with a fair amount of rolling hills. I saw horses and farms while also looking out at the ocean! None of my low moments during that race compared to the high I felt after finishing it. I am currently training for my first full marathon (26.2 miles/42.2 kilometers) and after running the half, I feel very motivated and encouraged as I enter this training block. While I do know that finishing a half marathon is a huge accomplishment (less than one percent of people on earth complete a half marathon in any given year), the eldest daughter/virgo in me as well as some of the negativity I experienced prior to running the race struggled to feel proud of it. I am slowly working on this and in celebrating my birthday, I plan on celebrating all of the cool things that my body has been able to do as well.

One of my best friends and college roommates, Lexi, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding that took place this summer, and I had a blast. This was my first time as a bridesmaid in a wedding and I was so honored to be asked. I would do all of it again if I could. Being in Lexi’s wedding as well as attending my friend, Sam, and my other friend, Sarvani’s, weddings were such gifts over this year as I was able to celebrate so much love and reunite with so many friends. These events also make me more and more excited for my own wedding, and I have taken so many tips and features from all of their weddings to incorporate in mine.

While the passage of the people in our lives is inevitable over the passage of time, I still feel so unprepared for loss. I know that everyone grieves differently and no “right” way of grieving exists, but I wish I were better at it. In December, I received the horrific news that one of my friends from graduate school, Alyssa, died unexpectedly. Her passing was a complete shock; I never expected to hear this news and neither did anyone else. At one point, we were so close and I feel so sad that we naturally drifted apart over the past couple of years. Life was busy, but life is never busy enough to not make time for the people we love. She was inspiring, funny, and fun-loving and I experienced so many “firsts” because of her. I went to my first spin class because of her. I ran my first 10K race because of her. She was always willing to explore, have photoshoots, and talk about anything from growing up as girls of color to dating. I ran my half marathon with her in my heart and I still grow cold whenever I think about her (every day). I’ve lost friends, family members, family friends, and more over this past year and truthfully, I feel as though I will never fully recover from all of it. So many of these situations were unexplainable or unexpected. With every bit of news, I keep asking myself if my heart can even take any more holes. I think this is okay as long as I carry their presences with me.

Given that so much death is inevitable, my blood boils at the amount of death that this world manufactures. We continue to see the ghastly murders of Palestinians by “israel” with the United States’s backing (and our tax dollars) and our own neighbors being killed by ICE or killed in its custody. Corporations continue to exploit their workers and much of the Global South, and data centers are occupying poor communities and communities of color. Climate change lives within our walls and we cannot even trust that we will not grow ill from the foods we eat. One would think that the losses that we all experience in our personal lives are enough, but for those in power, the killing remains relentless. They will not stop until they are the only ones left. Educating ourselves and organizing ourselves is more important than ever and I urge anyone reading this to think twice before platforming politicians or celebrities (or even each other). As always, I will include donation links and mutual aid resources at the end of this post.

To fill the void, I’ve become quite the hobbyist. I know that I am my mother’s daughter because I love word games and puzzles. I live for crosswords and word searches. Some days, playing the LinkedIn games or completing the Washington Post crossword is truly what gets me out of bed. I have a word search book that I use when I am watching a show. I love doing actual puzzles as well and I am excited to cozy up this fall with a show in the background while I do them. I have plenty of coloring books and I use these if I want to keep my hands busy while watching anything.
I absolutely love reading and I do not know where I would be without books. I read almost every genre and I feel very passionate about my recommendations, so I am happy to share them at any time (check out the “favorites” tab on this website!).
In addition to running, I have also become quite the SoulCycler. I can feel myself improving with every class and I always look forward to it. I dabble in heated sculpt classes and yoga as well, and I’d like to do both of those more as I train and cross train for my upcoming marathon.

My podcast grew a lot this year and I am proud of it. I had some amazing guests, and I have so many ideas and plans for this next year. I cannot believe that I’ve now had this platform for 3.5 years! Thank you all for listening.
I have not been the best about writing and publishing my work recently, and I do not have an explanation for this other than the the massive cloud of feeling lost, inadequate, and stuck that looms over my head. I’m hoping that this post lights a fire inside of me to write again and I hope to have new pieces published very soon.

This could be in my head, but I do feel like my body is changing as I grow older. I started using retinol when I turned twenty seven and I’ve noticed that my body feels stiffer upon waking. I’d like to incorporate more stretching and better posture in this next year of life. I started paying more attention to my sleep over the last year as I struggle with insomnia, and I want to work on having a more consistent routine to help combat it. I have a lot of goals for this next year in every area of my life and I need to remember that consistency is key. Taking care of myself is also key.

I may not have all of the answers, but I do know that I’ve been given the gift of life and the goal is to age. I plan on prioritizing myself, my community, and fun over this next year so that I can look back at my life and feel euphoric about the way that I have aged. Sending those reading this and every version of myself lots and lots of love. XO

concerts I attended:
– lake street dive and lawrence
– jensen mcrae
– matt maeson
– asap rocky
– noah kahan

favorite podcasts of the year (most listened are asterisked):
– upstairs neighbors*
– giggly squad*
– basically unfiltered*
– so true*
– the comment section
– in your dreams
– makes you spiral (formerly goes without saying)
– bore me to sleep: unintelligible lecture
– diabolical lies
– shameless
– wild geese

favorite movies of the year (no particular order):
– the drama
– the sheep detectives
– project hail mary
– the odyssey
– spider-man: brand new day
– wake up dead man
– fackham hall
– people we meet on vacation

books read while twenty seven (my faves/must reads are asterisked)
– wellness by nathan hill
– zero days by ruth ware
– late bloomers by deepa varadarajan
– twilight by stephenie meyer
– tom lake by ann patchett
– sunburn by chloe michelle howarth
– the manicurist’s daughter by susan lieu*
– last standing woman by winona laduke
– selected poems of emily dickinson
– parable of the sower by octavia butler*
– the christmas swap by talia samuels
– the wife stalker by liv constantine
– wuthering heights by emily brontë
– the invisible life of addie larue by ve schwab
– butter by asako yuzuki*
– the bluest eye by toni morrison***
– the ballad of songbirds and snakes by suzanne collins*
– i who have never known men by jacqueline harpman*
– the most famous girl in the world by iman hariri-kia
– white ivy by susie yang
– the lion women of tehran by marjan kamali
– the slightest green by sahar mustafah
– almost surely dead by amina akhtar
– win me something by kyle lucia wu*
– a burning by megha majumdar*
– the wedding people by alison espach*
– june baby by shannon garvey*
– small joys by elvin james mensah**
– our perfect storm by carley fortune
– the mistress of bhatia house by sujata massey
– the correspondent by virginia evans*
– currently reading: pachinko by min jin lee

favorite tv shows of the year:
– hacks
– adults

podcast: Lots of Love with Natasha Sohni
substack: natashasohni.substack.com
instagram: @natashasohni
spotify: Natasha Sohni (check out my fall playlist!)
letterboxd: Natasha Sohni
goodreads: Natasha Sohni
storygraph: Natasha Sohni

DONATE HERE:
– IMEU
– DirectRelief: Nepal floods
– Nepal Red Cross Society
– Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota
– mutual aid funds for our queer & trans neighbors
– South Asian SOAR (gender based violence in the south asian community)

23rd Birthday Reflection.

      

(Birthday Reflections is a series on my blog.)

This year, I am celebrating my twenty third birthday in a new home surrounded by mostly new people. I did not expect to see myself in Boston when I turned twenty two last year, but here I am. I am glad that I am here, and I am glad that so many people could take part in my last trip around the sun.

I will not dwell on it much, but this past year was obviously impacted by the COVID pandemic. I am still here and I am grateful to be able to say that. I think that we all experienced a lot of loss and health scares, COVID-related and otherwise, and I am not going to try and sugarcoat this acknowledgement. I just hope that my readers (and non-readers, of course) are doing well.

Over the past year, I had the pleasure of working at a non-profit, called the Intercultural Mutual Assistance Association, as its Diversity & Inclusion Specialist. Naturally, every job has highs and lows, but I think that I can reflect on my first job post-graduation with a lot of gratitude. The IMAA staff makeup is primarily people of color, and I learned so much through engaging with so many different cultures, histories, and experiences. I spent many days educating individuals and organizations on diversity and inclusion practices, and while this was draining at times, it was also fulfilling to see the results of my work. For example, organizations changed the ways in which they recruit and hire, the language that they use, and the ways in which they show support for their marginalized staff. Many tears were shed and hard conversations were had, but I do not think that I would have been successful at my job otherwise. I met some amazing people through this opportunity and I will never forget how much they impacted me. I was able to learn so much about myself and what I wanted in my future. While educating is inevitable and important, this position only confirmed my desire to focus more on working with marginalized populations and practicing mutual aid rather than listening to the grievances of those in power. The hardest part of this job was having conversations with those who voted differently than I did or refused to support basic human rights, but I think that I was able to change a lot of minds through doing so. I will say that compensation is essential and one should not have to explain themselves or tell their stories without it.

During this time, I decided to apply to graduate school. I knew that I wanted to take the next step in my career and, at the very least, move to a new place. As much as I love Minnesota, I have wanted to leave the state for a while. I felt as though everyone was just too comfortable and this made me uncomfortable. I was tired of living within my familiar box. I told myself that if I did not get into graduate school, I would apply to jobs in other cities that align more with where I envision myself in the future and move regardless. I applied to Boston University and a couple of other schools for my Master’s in Public Health (though I wish that I had applied to more for curiosity’s sake), and I ultimately decided that BU would be the best fit for me. I am so happy with my choice and I am honored to be attending such a reputable public health school. Everyone within the school truly wants everyone else to succeed. I plan on pursuing the Health Policy & Law and Human Rights & Social Justice certificates, and these certificates are a part of what drew me to BU. I am now writing this blog post in Boston (in my new apartment!) and I will have had my first day of class by the time my birthday arrives. As excited and ready as I am to live in a new state, I also feel nervous. I am not really around anything that makes me feel at home or comfortable quite yet, but I keep reminding myself that I want to be uncomfortable. I keep reminding myself that I have been through so many hard situations. I keep reminding myself that I have myself.

As I mentioned in last year’s post, I am in a relationship. Neeraj and I are approaching one year and three months together and I am thrilled. We are so different, but we complement each other in necessary ways. Every day is not sunshine, but I am thankful to have the privilege of watching the rain fall while in his arms. I am not really sure how someone can be as adorable and silly and interesting as he is, and I am definitely not complaining. Long distance is going to be a challenge (I already miss him so much), but I fully believe that if two people want to make a relationship work, they will. I cannot wait to show him around my new home. I am sending you lots of “X”s and “O”s, Neeraj.

I am so grateful for all of the new friends whom I have made over the course of year twenty two. I did not expect to meet so many people, both virtually and in person (safely), but I have been able to understand myself and the way that other people view me in their lives more than ever before. My time and my priorities become more valuable to me as I grow older, and I try my best to protect my peace. I do think that people show you, over time, how much you matter to them, and I have learned to accept that I may not matter as much to certain individuals as I do to others or as I think I should. This is okay. As an extrovert, I can over-extend myself, and I now appreciate the quiet moments just as much as the energizing ones. I took more bubble baths and watched Wheel of Fortune with my parents quite often. I watched a lot of new shows and read a lot of books. I spent a lot of time driving to the cities and to Rochester which equated to a lot of time for music and podcasts. I did all of this and was still able to spend lots of time surrounded by loved ones. While I avoided traveling internationally, I was able to make a trip to Chicago with Neeraj and a couple of other friends as well as visit Door County, Wisconsin with my family.

Fortunately, I did not have COVID at all during this past year. I did not even have a prominent cold and I credit this to the vaccine (Pfizer crew!), masks, sanitizer, and avid hand washing. I urge everyone who is reading this to receive the vaccine. I know that people are afraid, but the numbers do show that the vaccine is helpful and does not have adverse side effects. I have seen, and still do see, other countries struggling to acquire vaccines and I think that if we have them at our fingertips, we should take advantage of them. We are helping other people in addition to helping ourselves.
In other news, my headaches are still as strong as ever, but I am trying my best to manage them. Some triggers are difficult to avoid given the nature of our world, but at least I am able to recognize the signs. Despite the increase in screen time due to the pandemic and working remotely, my eyesight actually improved! I was so surprised and excited when the doctor told me this news. My new glasses will be coming in the mail some time soon.
I have been hesitant to share this, but like many others, I did gain some weight over the past year. As someone who is passionate about health and fitness, this bothers me, but I do my best to avoid letting it discourage me. I just happened to eat some more ice cream during this time, but at least I was here to eat it.

I am thrilled to announce that I have my own domain now! My website is simply natashasohni.com (you are on it!). I am so grateful for all of my readers. Your views do help me so much. In addition to my posts, I have tabs for my favorite items/artists/shows/movies as well as organizations to support. This time last year, I had 258 Spotify followers, and now I have 277! listen to my Fall 2021 playlist here

I had the honor of being a guest on a few different podcasts over the past year! I appreciate how much people care about the things that I have to say, and I hope that I can open the door for other people and shed some light on the issues about which I care. take a listen here (these are available on all platforms):
– Feed That Nation: How Does University Student Government Work?
– Water Cooler Talk: Critical Location Theory
– Resistance in Color: Part 10

Books are gems that we do not deserve. these are my reads from the past year:
– Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens
– Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
– Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire
– American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins
– Becoming by Michelle Obama
– Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng
– I Would Leave Me If I Could: A Collection of Poetry by Halsey
– Freedom is a Constant Struggle by Angela Davis
– Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
– Room by Emma Donoghue
– The Alchemist by Paul Coehlo
– The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
– The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates
– Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall
– Bunny by Mona Awad
– Beach Read by Emily Henry
– currently reading Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi

I would consider myself an emotionally intelligent person. This being said, I feel like I have grown emotionally numb to some situations during this past year. I think that I am just exhausted. Prior to my move to Boston, days were starting to blur together, and the world was quite literally hopping from one fire to the next. It still is. As much as all of this, frankly, sucks, we can also use it to reinvigorate ourselves. So many people are fighting for their lives, and all of our lives, every single day. A defeatist mentality does not always help because we are still here. We are still alive and the need for activism is only growing. With twenty three at my fingertips, I feel excitement and fear and everything in between these two. I hug my family, friends, and stuffed animals even more tightly. I put so much pressure on myself to wake up every single day and save the world, but I am here to remind myself and my readers that the entire world does not rest on one person’s shoulders. Others will always be there to hold our hands.

thank you for holding mine as I turn twenty three ❤

donate here:
– https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-greater-texas
– https://namimn.org/get-involved/donate_now/
– miles4migrants.org

Oh, Brother.

Siblings are built-in best friends. We do not choose them, but for some reason, we decide to have their backs and they decide to have ours. I am extremely grateful for mine, and I do not think that I would be who I am without him. Obviously, having a baby brother arrive out of what seems like nowhere is a bit of an adjustment, but after 19.5 years, I would not want anything else.

My brother, Neil, is about three years younger than I am. He just completed his freshman year of college at the University of Minnesota, and I am so glad that I am able to spend time with him before heading to Boston. We have always been pretty close despite how different we are from each other, but I think that our somewhat opposite personalities is partly why we are close. For example, he is studying chemical engineering and one could, most definitely, not catch me taking a physics or chemistry class. He is quiet and more introverted, and I am talkative and extroverted.

As the older/oldest sibling, I feel as though I have a responsibility to protect Neil at all costs. I just want his life to be filled with joy. I do not want anyone to be mean to him and I want him to be as successful as possible in whichever ways success looks for him. He is one of the most intelligent people whom I know and I am so excited to see where his life takes him even if I am not right by his side through every moment.

At the same time, he grows annoyed with my protectiveness because he is an adult. While we are older, we still have our disagreements from time to time, and most of them stem from this. He does not appreciate when I play the “older sibling card” to have my way or to validate myself in making the final decisions (though I claim that I do not do so). He is not a baby or little kid anymore. I have a tendency to control how he approaches situations or the choices he makes because he deserves the very best and I worry that he cannot advocate for himself. I recognize that I need to let him live, and he will come to me when he needs something. I want him to know that I am always here and I want to be a role model for him. I experience everything first, which is not always fun, but these experiences ensure that I am prepared to help him through the same ones.

With Neil now being in college and attending the same university that I did, I do my best to ensure that he has as much fun and as many opportunities as I had. This is hard to do when he is in a completely different program and his future will be largely different from mine. I feel helpless at times because I do not always have all of the answers for him.

I often tell my brother that he does not need to worry about me and it is my job to worry about him. This upsets him because we should be on an equal playing field, and he can handle my hardships just as well. He is the “baby” of the family, so I think that my parents and I tend to shield him more than we should. We all grow older eventually. I will say that I have been able to have deeper and more serious conversations with him because of this. I find a lot of comfort in hearing his thoughts about social issues or sports or family matters. He explains ideas to me with little to no judgment.

I have always loved having someone else, non-parental, around the house with whom I can chat. We have a Bro & Sis playlist. We occasionally watch movies or drive around together. He shows me TikToks of puppies and we send each other YouTube videos. He quizzes me, a bit too much, on sports. We have the same values, and we are often in agreement regarding the things that our parents tell us. I can be as weird or silly as possible and he will embrace it. We are the only two people in the world who will ever understand one another to the extent that we do.

I know that many folks do not have the type of relationship with their siblings as I do with my brother. I know many folks do not even talk to their siblings. I wish that they all had someone like Neil because life is a little brighter with him in it.