(Birthday reflections is a series on my blog.)
Another trip around the sun and I feel more lost than ever before. Every day, I look down at my hands and feet and thank the universe for another day in this life. As most know, I am not religious and I struggle with not knowing the answers to most of the Big Questions, but I do believe that I have a purpose on this earth (as we all do) and I will never cease my pursuance of discovering it. This year has tested me in many ways, yet it was also very fun. The greatest battle was balancing the sad with the happy, and I have realized that much of adulthood is doing this never-ending dance.
For better or for worse, I still live in Boston. I cannot believe that I have lived here for the better part of five years. I turned twenty three here and now I am fast approaching twenty eight. This city has pushed me in a plethora of ways for which I did not necessarily ask, but am grateful to have experienced. I am more confident in my convictions and my ability to say “no.” Honestly, I often say that I have never felt worse about myself than during my time in Boston, but even writing the previous sentence and reflecting on the ways in which I have grown remind me that I’ve accomplished a lot even if it cannot be measured in numbers or tangible results.
My biggest gripe with this city is that it is expensive and I do not think that the expenses are worth the experience. I have found my gems and my community, and I enjoy the proximity to the rest of New England as well as Europe, but most of the people I know here are either in credit card debt, do not have much in savings, or work one or two more jobs on top of their full time position. We have a lot of fun and I have so many stories to tell, but I feel as though every day is focused on keeping myself afloat rather than thriving. This being said, I do think that this is also a product of being in my twenties. We are all simply trying to make our puzzle pieces fit together.
Ben and I have lived together for just over a year now. I am proud of us. We have been through so much together and we learn something new about each other constantly. I love being able to come home to him and fill him in on my days and the latest gossip. I love being able to hug him and I love being calmed by him. We have created the warmest, coziest, and brightest space for ourselves and it only makes me more excited for our future places. Naturally, living with one’s partner is not always sunshine and rainbows because we are two individual people, but the willingness to understand each other has provided us with the tools to work through any challenges that arise. I have never felt more comfortable around a partner.
We have been able to host some fun events at our place as a couple including our housewarming party, Ben’s birthday party, and a Super Bowl party. I love having all of our friends gather at our place and fostering such a warm environment.
During the weekend after my birthday last year, Ben took me to the Berkshires for a cabin getaway. I enjoyed visiting an area that I had never seen before and I also had the best London fog that I have ever had at a local cafe there. Interestingly enough, some of the best Indian food that I have eaten in the northeast was also at a restaurant in the Berkshires! As luck would have it, Lake Street Dive performed at the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art (Mass MoCA) in North Adams, so we managed to snag tickets to their show. The performance was fantastic, and the outdoorsy backdrop of the woods and mountains during it was the icing on the cake.
In addition to this trip, I have also spent more and more time in Western Massachusetts as Ben is from Amherst. I never thought that I would be so familiar with this area, but I’m not complaining. Western Massachusetts is beautiful.
As I mentioned previously, a pro of living in Boston is its proximity to so many other states. When my parents visited last fall, we were able to take them to Maine for the day, and my friends and I make frequent trips to Rhode Island. We love visiting the Nitro Bar and one of my best friends, Caroline, has done a wonderful job of showing us around her home state.
Unfortunately, Ben and I did become riddled with COVID last fall, and my brother, Neil, was supposed to visit us the week that this happened. He was able to reschedule his trip to December and we had a great time experiencing the holiday season in Boston together, but having COVID was quite unpleasant and discouraging. I try to take as many precautions as possible and still mask on trains and planes, but I am also glad that Ben and I take our vaccinations yearly so that we can lessen the pain and side effects of this virus. (If you’re reading this, schedule your flu & COVID vaccination appointments today!)
Excitingly, I was able to make a few trips to New York City over the past year. I love how magical and important and unimportant everything feels there. In the fall, Ben and I traveled to NYC with some of our best friends, Nikil and Chris, and we visited our friends, Simran and Apurv, for the weekend. So many memories were created during this trip and I cannot wait to create more in the future. This past spring, I took another, very spontaneous trip to NYC with my best friends, Leedya and Caroline, so that Caroline could run the NYC Women’s Half Marathon.
I was very grateful for this trip as we had such a lovely time together. I was also able to see my best friend, future maid of honor, and soul sister, Harmanpreet, at her new apartment. Spending time with her in this environment was such a treat as we have known each other since high school and have grown so much in the meantime. I am so happy that I am entering yet another year of life (and the rest of forever) with her by my side.
In addition to these trips, I was able to spend a few days in Chicago in the spring. I visited family as well as my one of my best friends, Rachel, and we couldn’t stop chatting the entire time. I was able to see some of my closest college and post-grad friends, Chad, Rachel, Amy, Rebecca, and Jamie, while there. Chicago is such an awesome place and I love seeing it through my friends’ eyes.
I had the opportunity to visit Colorado for the first time in June and it was so interesting. I felt so much closer to the clouds, was annoyed and disturbed by the Denver airport (Blucifer, anyone?), and loved visiting Pikes Peak (despite the altitude sickness) as well as the Garden of the Gods. I would love to visit again and see more of my friends who live there.
It goes without saying, but I spent a fair amount of time in Minnesota this year as my parents still live there. I love Minnesota so much and I have a lot of pride for the state. Minnesotans have always been resilient, and the organizing against the ICE occupation earlier this year only cements this. I had the privilege of seeing Noah Kahan live in Minnesota this past August (my second time seeing him and Ben’s first time, our first time together) and the show was so meaningful to me given that his newest album revolves around the idea of leaving home and coming home. Everything has changed and simultaneously stayed the same in my home state.
Over the past few years (and my entire life), I have struggled with body image, weight loss, and weight gain. I gained a bit of weight and this has also impacted the way that I feel about myself and the feelings that I associate with Boston and really anything post graduating from college. I have spent so much time worrying about what to wear each day and how I look in pictures. It’s exhausting. Part of my discouragement also comes from the fact that I am a very active person. I exercise most days of the week and also live in a city that requires me to walk a lot. I was tired of not receiving any relevant answers, so I decided to advocate for myself more with my doctor and take concrete steps. I am happy to report that I am making good progress and already feel loads better in my body. I am doing my best to avoid internalizing the “skinny epidemic” in which we find ourselves currently. I recognize the importance of women having muscle and strength, and while society may not think that this is crucial to the protection of women and girls everywhere, it is. Our successes, let alone our survival, depend on our strengths.
Earlier this year, I completed my first half marathon (13.1 miles/21.1 kilometers)! I had the incredible opportunity to run the Newport Half Marathon alongside a few of my friends. The course was stunning with a fair amount of rolling hills. I saw horses and farms while also looking out at the ocean! None of my low moments during that race compared to the high I felt after finishing it. I am currently training for my first full marathon (26.2 miles/42.2 kilometers) and after running the half, I feel very motivated and encouraged as I enter this training block. While I do know that finishing a half marathon is a huge accomplishment (less than one percent of people on earth complete a half marathon in any given year), the eldest daughter/virgo in me as well as some of the negativity I experienced prior to running the race struggled to feel proud of it. I am slowly working on this and in celebrating my birthday, I plan on celebrating all of the cool things that my body has been able to do as well.
One of my best friends and college roommates, Lexi, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding that took place this summer, and I had a blast. This was my first time as a bridesmaid in a wedding and I was so honored to be asked. I would do all of it again if I could. Being in Lexi’s wedding as well as attending my friend, Sam, and my other friend, Sarvani’s, weddings were such gifts over this year as I was able to celebrate so much love and reunite with so many friends. These events also make me more and more excited for my own wedding, and I have taken so many tips and features from all of their weddings to incorporate in mine.
While the passage of the people in our lives is inevitable over the passage of time, I still feel so unprepared for loss. I know that everyone grieves differently and no “right” way of grieving exists, but I wish I were better at it. In December, I received the horrific news that one of my friends from graduate school, Alyssa, died unexpectedly. Her passing was a complete shock; I never expected to hear this news and neither did anyone else. At one point, we were so close and I feel so sad that we naturally drifted apart over the past couple of years. Life was busy, but life is never busy enough to not make time for the people we love. She was inspiring, funny, and fun-loving and I experienced so many “firsts” because of her. I went to my first spin class because of her. I ran my first 10K race because of her. She was always willing to explore, have photoshoots, and talk about anything from growing up as girls of color to dating. I ran my half marathon with her in my heart and I still grow cold whenever I think about her (every day). I’ve lost friends, family members, family friends, and more over this past year and truthfully, I feel as though I will never fully recover from all of it. So many of these situations were unexplainable or unexpected. With every bit of news, I keep asking myself if my heart can even take any more holes. I think this is okay as long as I carry their presences with me.
Given that so much death is inevitable, my blood boils at the amount of death that this world manufactures. We continue to see the ghastly murders of Palestinians by “israel” with the United States’s backing (and our tax dollars) and our own neighbors being killed by ICE or killed in its custody. Corporations continue to exploit their workers and much of the Global South, and data centers are occupying poor communities and communities of color. Climate change lives within our walls and we cannot even trust that we will not grow ill from the foods we eat. One would think that the losses that we all experience in our personal lives are enough, but for those in power, the killing remains relentless. They will not stop until they are the only ones left. Educating ourselves and organizing ourselves is more important than ever and I urge anyone reading this to think twice before platforming politicians or celebrities (or even each other). As always, I will include donation links and mutual aid resources at the end of this post.
To fill the void, I’ve become quite the hobbyist. I know that I am my mother’s daughter because I love word games and puzzles. I live for crosswords and word searches. Some days, playing the LinkedIn games or completing the Washington Post crossword is truly what gets me out of bed. I have a word search book that I use when I am watching a show. I love doing actual puzzles as well and I am excited to cozy up this fall with a show in the background while I do them. I have plenty of coloring books and I use these if I want to keep my hands busy while watching anything.
I absolutely love reading and I do not know where I would be without books. I read almost every genre and I feel very passionate about my recommendations, so I am happy to share them at any time (check out the “favorites” tab on this website!).
In addition to running, I have also become quite the SoulCycler. I can feel myself improving with every class and I always look forward to it. I dabble in heated sculpt classes and yoga as well, and I’d like to do both of those more as I train and cross train for my upcoming marathon.
My podcast grew a lot this year and I am proud of it. I had some amazing guests, and I have so many ideas and plans for this next year. I cannot believe that I’ve now had this platform for 3.5 years! Thank you all for listening.
I have not been the best about writing and publishing my work recently, and I do not have an explanation for this other than the the massive cloud of feeling lost, inadequate, and stuck that looms over my head. I’m hoping that this post lights a fire inside of me to write again and I hope to have new pieces published very soon.
This could be in my head, but I do feel like my body is changing as I grow older. I started using retinol when I turned twenty seven and I’ve noticed that my body feels stiffer upon waking. I’d like to incorporate more stretching and better posture in this next year of life. I started paying more attention to my sleep over the last year as I struggle with insomnia, and I want to work on having a more consistent routine to help combat it. I have a lot of goals for this next year in every area of my life and I need to remember that consistency is key. Taking care of myself is also key.
I may not have all of the answers, but I do know that I’ve been given the gift of life and the goal is to age. I plan on prioritizing myself, my community, and fun over this next year so that I can look back at my life and feel euphoric about the way that I have aged. Sending those reading this and every version of myself lots and lots of love. XO
concerts I attended:
– lake street dive and lawrence
– jensen mcrae
– matt maeson
– asap rocky
– noah kahan
favorite podcasts of the year (most listened are asterisked):
– upstairs neighbors*
– giggly squad*
– basically unfiltered*
– so true*
– the comment section
– in your dreams
– makes you spiral (formerly goes without saying)
– bore me to sleep: unintelligible lecture
– diabolical lies
– shameless
– wild geese
favorite movies of the year (no particular order):
– the drama
– the sheep detectives
– project hail mary
– the odyssey
– spider-man: brand new day
– wake up dead man
– fackham hall
– people we meet on vacation
books read while twenty seven (my faves/must reads are asterisked)
– wellness by nathan hill
– zero days by ruth ware
– late bloomers by deepa varadarajan
– twilight by stephenie meyer
– tom lake by ann patchett
– sunburn by chloe michelle howarth
– the manicurist’s daughter by susan lieu*
– last standing woman by winona laduke
– selected poems of emily dickinson
– parable of the sower by octavia butler*
– the christmas swap by talia samuels
– the wife stalker by liv constantine
– wuthering heights by emily brontë
– the invisible life of addie larue by ve schwab
– butter by asako yuzuki*
– the bluest eye by toni morrison***
– the ballad of songbirds and snakes by suzanne collins*
– i who have never known men by jacqueline harpman*
– the most famous girl in the world by iman hariri-kia
– white ivy by susie yang
– the lion women of tehran by marjan kamali
– the slightest green by sahar mustafah
– almost surely dead by amina akhtar
– win me something by kyle lucia wu*
– a burning by megha majumdar*
– the wedding people by alison espach*
– june baby by shannon garvey*
– small joys by elvin james mensah**
– our perfect storm by carley fortune
– the mistress of bhatia house by sujata massey
– the correspondent by virginia evans*
– currently reading: pachinko by min jin lee
favorite tv shows of the year:
– hacks
– adults
podcast: Lots of Love with Natasha Sohni
substack: natashasohni.substack.com
instagram: @natashasohni
spotify: Natasha Sohni (check out my fall playlist!)
letterboxd: Natasha Sohni
goodreads: Natasha Sohni
storygraph: Natasha Sohni
DONATE HERE:
– IMEU
– DirectRelief: Nepal floods
– Nepal Red Cross Society
– Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota
– mutual aid funds for our queer & trans neighbors
– South Asian SOAR (gender based violence in the south asian community)
Natasha Sohni 