Category: college

21st Birthday Reflection.

              

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and do not reflect those of the organizations, representatives, or folks mentioned in this post. Additionally, I am aware of my privilege and thankful for the opportunities I have had. This post is going to be long, but please read all of it.

Wow. I keep thinking about the words that are about to flow into this post and I feel so much pain. I am choosing to be candid because how do I, or any of you reading this, benefit from this post if I am not? I probably will not sugarcoat too much. This is hard for me to write.

I feel as though I share a lot on my blog, and even more in real life, and I’ve only grown to be more open and vulnerable within the past year. Every time I post something, I’m completely terrified. Every time I share a piece of myself with someone, I’m completely terrified. So many of my friends ask me how I do it. Honestly, I do not know if I have the “right” answer in terms of how to practice vulnerability. I think a lot of this is just who I am and my personality, but my thought process has always centered around reminding myself, often, that I will never regret being vulnerable. I can never be blamed for withholding how I feel.

Every year, on my birthday, I go on a sunrise run. I do this to show myself that even though sunsets exist, sunrises do too. Additionally, joy exists in looking forward to a beautiful view.

Much of this past year has been beautiful. I held leadership positions at my university and worked on meaningful initiatives. In the past, I had always dreamed of speaking at a rally because I saw so many of my role models within the political field do the same. I accomplished this goal and spoke at a Planned Parenthood Get Out the Vote rally last fall alongside a good friend and amazing advocate, US Senator Tina Smith, former Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards, Lieutenant Governor Peggy Flanagan, US Senator Catherine Cortez Masto, and at-large Minneapolis School Board Member Kimberly Caprini. Events like these pave the way for women in politics, and I am honored to be a part of this movement.

During election season, our team increased voter turnout in student precincts by over one hundred percent. We worked to have so many progressive candidates elected and while these times may be daunting politically, I think we can all acknowledge that they are exciting as well. I had an amazing experience last November and spoke on a BBC international radio show, and I still cannot believe that this happened. A mentor of mine once told me that importance exists in just buckling down and doing good work. If you do good work, regardless of where you are, people will notice and honor it.

This summer, I had the opportunity to intern at Tina Smith’s Senate office. The work environment was fun and I had a lot of interesting conversations with my fellow interns. We all got along super well, and I think, being in an office where the work, at times, can be mundane (scanning documents, answering constituent calls, writing letters), having great people alongside oneself is essential. I had a cool boss and us interns were paired with staffers based on our interests, so I was paired with the Diversity & Inclusion Outreach staffer and Healthcare & Aging Outreach staffer. Both of them are incredible women and I learned lots just by having conversations with them. I was able to partake in meetings and visit fascinating places such as the Federal Reserve. I learned a lot about what the work is like in a senate office as well as a lot about myself.

Over the past year, I have been fortunate to travel a fair amount. Last fall, I attended a national student government conference in New Orleans, and I could say a lot about the experiences I had there, but I think I will just say that it was interesting for sure. We were there over the weekend of Brett Kavanaugh’s unfortunate and scary, in my opinion, confirmation to the Supreme Court, and I heard some discouraging viewpoints regarding the matter. I am not sure how I managed to accomplish this given my packed schedule (take a look at my Google calendar), but I was able to fly to London for a weekend in April with my mom. To be honest, I thrived. I lived. I know that not everyone can afford to travel like this and I am so blessed to have a mother who would think of me when booking trips like this, but I needed it. I needed to clear my head and escape from the environment that was breaking me. I feel as though this trip also contributed positively to the relationship I have with my mom. I think that we have become closer throughout my time in college, but we became that even closer over this trip as well. I admire her so much.

I recently visited my family in India. We travel there every couple of years, and I enjoyed seeing my family. At the same time, I struggled quite a bit because I am constantly on the go, but I spent a lot of time sitting with my own thoughts while I was there. I felt anxious because my thoughts consumed me, and while I had fulfilling conversations with family members and read a couple books, I like to be moving. I really hope some of my family members in India visit us here at some point soon because I would love to show them a little bit of my world as well. Easy and comfortable living is not common in India. If you’re reading this, I urge you to visit the country at some point in your life because while it is beautiful, everyday life is not anything like how it is here in the United States. I am reminded of this every time I visit, and I am glad that I am. If you’d love to discuss India’s social and political climate with me sometime, let me know and we can grab coffee or take a walk.

This next part is going to be tough to write. As many know, I was in a long-term relationship that ended in February. I felt as though my soul had been sucked out of me and I had been shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. I still feel so much pain just from remembering the pain that this Natasha was feeling. Out of respect for him, I will not be sharing specific details, but we had gotten back together after breaking up once in May 2018, and I do not think either of us had healed from that previous breakup when we decided to do so. He is not toxic, but the relationship was. I can say that I deserve better, but I do not mean that I deserve a better person; I just deserve better treatment. I spent more time crying than I did smiling when I was with him. I would miss him when he was lying right next to me. I know that I showered him with as much love as I could muster, but if I have learned anything over time, it is that love is not enough to make a relationship work. I threw love at every problem, but the problems were never resolved. I just broke a little bit more with every single one. I will always have love for him, but I deserve someone who will respect not only me, but my love and my time. As Lewis Capaldi sings in Bruises, “it’s your love I’m lost in, and I’m tired of being so exhausted.” He struggled to treat me well and he admitted that he did. He did not have it in him because he did not love himself and was not secure in his life here, and how you treat others is often reflected in how you treat yourself.

I have noticed that my mental health is infinitely worse over breaks. My depression and anxiety were much worse over the winter, spring, and summer breaks. Winter break was especially troubling because I had moved out of my apartment due to a tough roommate situation and I spent most of it in Rochester. I love spending time with my family, but I do not like residing in a town that has not grown with me. I started 2019 and spring semester on a sad note, was trying to mend a broken relationship, and I actually lost an incredible amount of weight on top of already facing eating disorder (I have gained most of it back). My anxiety and depression were so horrible that, even as a high-functioning person, I started missing classes (I did alright academically despite this) and was too sad or anxious to make food and eat it. I still struggle with eating disorder, but I do my best to work through it. I have an immense amount of cysts on my scalp due to stress, most likely, and had a few of them removed at the beginning of the semester. The surgery was kind of horrible and this did not help my anxiety.

I started consistently attending therapy during this time, and I am glad that I am now taking steps to better my mental health. Growth is not linear, and I still struggle, but after my breakup, I felt lighter. I am more outspoken, and I love and appreciate my existence. I pay so much attention to where I place my energy. I have always had high emotional intelligence, but I am more forward about verbalizing how I feel, and have done so especially in the romantic experiences I have had since my relationship. All good things take time, and I continue to put myself out there and share my heart because I know that the relationships I have with other people are formative for my personality type. I am who I am because of others. I can be hurt a million times, but I will never close myself off to new experiences, or love, or the risk of heartache. If I know that I have given something or someone all that I can, I do not need to blame myself for whatever happens next. Building walls is the easy option, but relationships, dating, and loving in general is hard. The easy option will not work in the long run. My friends and family have told me in the past to stop investing so much into others because I am hurt so often, but why should I change myself because of how others treat me? I am going to be exactly who I am, and I would want the men I date, and especially whoever my life partner is, to value this. We will see what happens in the coming days.

For some reason, I was unable to cry for about four months over this past year. I might have cried so much before then that I did not have any tears left, but I often had the urge to cry because I am such an emotional person and could not bring myself to do it. Luckily, this has been resolved and I have cried a fair amount recently. Crying can be therapeutic and I do not think that anyone should ever be afraid to shed a few tears. I have realized that driving, running, singing, and yoga are also very therapeutic for me, and I know that I mentioned this months ago on my blog, but I might invest in a yoga membership. I would like to have a more consistent practice.

On a spiritual and religious note, as I grow older, I question religion more and more. I have always had an existential mind, but religion, frankly, makes me angry. I respect the concept of religion because I think having faith in oneself and the future is important, but in my opinion, it is socially constructed and this should be recognized just the same. I find so much frustration in the fact that religion causes so much hate in this world. We have folks dying at the hands of it coupled with other concepts such as power. While I like to believe in a greater being and do pray occasionally (always thanking, never asking), I think a lot of folks are hypocritical when it comes to practicing their respective religions (based on what they preach). I am Hindu by birth, and do celebrate the cultural holidays we have when possible, but I am careful about letting it guide me or believing in it so much that I lose myself to it. I would rather decide my own morals and values, and follow them “religiously” (nice word play there, Nat) if that makes sense.

In other news, I decided to finally have my ears pierced this past year and now have double piercings. I really like it. Last year, at this time, I had sixty (60) Spotify followers. I now have two hundred and seventeen (217)!!! I appreciate the support and if you do not follow me on Spotify, I recommend that you do. I saw Aminé and 6LACK in concert and saw Rupi Kaur speak last fall, and I really needed to hear a lot of what she said. I am now the President of the College of Liberal Arts Student Board as well as the Coalition for Progressive Change, and I am a Research Assistant at the Minnesota Population Center on the IPUMS-DHS project. I am also on the University of Minnesota Homecoming Royalty court, and the other royals are awesome. I have a few concerts scheduled in the coming months as well including Pink Sweat$, Lewis Capaldi, and my favorite band of all time (FBOAT, if you will) Bon Iver. I will be seeing Bon Iver in North Carolina and my mother is attending the concert with me. I cannot wait. My travel bug bite is large, so I have some other trips in the works too. I have really fun roommates and, given that I do, I know that I will have a really fun senior year of college.

I have grappled a bit with imposter syndrome over the past year (and my entire life), and I think my accomplishments and the leadership positions I have acquired have contributed to this. I know that I work hard, but I am well aware of my privileges and I often question whether I am really qualified in that regard. I feel as though I am floating and drowning and internally screaming all at once. I do not think most folks understand what it is like to be inside of my head, but my mind overwhelms me.

I think a few folks deserve to be mentioned in this post. I would like to thank my mother, father, and brother for every family lunch, hug, and gossip session. We may have the occasional disagreement, but they always tell me that they are proud of me and this means the world. Many do not have intact family units and I will never take mine for granted. Family, when you’re reading this, I love you and appreciate you. I (literally and figuratively) would not be here without all of you. My successes do not mean much without acknowledging the ladder you built for me.

I do not know how I would have gotten through this year without my best friend and future maid of honor, Harmanpreet. She has wiped my tears too many times to count and she knows exactly what I need to hear. I am probably too protective of her, but she deserves all of the success and happiness in the world, and I will do everything I can to contribute to this.

I have set a few goals. I plan on running a marathon before I am thirty, desire to improve my posture, and I *will* have a job upon graduation in May. I am looking to work for a non-profit, or some government or politically related department for a couple years before attending graduate school for a Master’s degree in Public Policy/Global Health Policy. Additionally, I have the dream of working for Spotify, so if the opportunity arises, that’d be cool.

The world can be scary personally, professionally, domestically, and globally. I am terrified. I do not like uncertainty. I do not like feeling alone or feeling lost. I am terrified, but music exists. Sunrises exist. Love exists. Google Calendar exists. While I bask in my uncertainty and existential crises, I am going to be proactive. I am going to blast my favorite songs, fall in love with myself and those around me, stay organized, and simply just live. My heart is often enveloped in pain, but pain is how one grows. I know that energy is contagious, and I will always do my best to exude it positively.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure we call life over the past year and for reading this post. I am blessed to be here. We all are. If you’ll excuse me, I am going to drink a glass of rosé as I am now twenty one.

You Have Yourself.

        

Do you remember when you were a child and all you wanted to do was just be you? Your outlook on life and its meaning was simple. Loving yourself was a given and effort was not required to do so.

I find myself constantly working to be a better version of myself, but who even is she? Why can I not be whomever I want to be? Over winter break, my friend asked me a simple question. “Are you happy?” I thought about it for a little bit and realized that, although it is a “yes” or “no” question, I could not answer it with one word. Instead, I said that I feel as though I am always working toward being happy, but I never reach it. As we grow older, our happiness stems from becoming something, from working toward our ideal lives, from being surrounded by ideal people.

What are we trying to become though? Who I am, right at this moment, is enough because regardless of the successes I have, the titles I have, the degrees I have, the people I have, I will always be Natasha. I will always have to be comfortable with being myself and having myself. I cannot escape that and I should not want to escape it.

About 1.5 months ago, I was sitting across from a friend at a coffee shop, and I told him that I feel as though I do not have anyone and he said something that has stuck with me throughout this time. “You have yourself.” This is a concept that is so simple, but I (and I feel as though most others) often forget.

As an extrovert, I struggle with being alone. I love people and I invest so much of myself into others. I invest so much of my soul into others. I do not mind doing so, but difficulty exists in not losing myself in the process. During moments in which being alone is especially hard for me, I remind myself that I have myself. It is liberating. I feel so happy when I think about this. The one person who has always understood me is me, and I should appreciate myself more.

I was watching a YouTube video the other day, and this YouTuber was reflecting on her life the day before her wedding day. She played a clip from a home video of her childhood, and in it, her dad asks her five year old self what she would tell herself if she were watching the video at a later point in her life. She said, “I love you.”

I think little Natasha would be proud of where I am now. I am proud of who I am and where I am. I feel so much pain when I think of the people who do not appreciate my worth or what I have to offer, but I know that others do, and even if they did not, I do. That is all that matters.

So many complexities exist, but being happy with yourself should not fall into that category. It is simple. You are not you if you are constantly trying to be something more or better. Trust yourself enough to lead you in the right direction. You have the power to remind yourself of who you are and your successes will not mean anything to you if you lose yourself in the process.

Natasha, you have yourself. Your career will fall into place, the people in your life will fall into place, and you’ll fall into place. Ultimately, the one thing you’ll always be able to give yourself is love. Sounds like a pretty great deal.

My 2019 Perspective.

         

Even though I am not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions and I do my best to avoid defining my life in terms of years (with time being a social construct and all), I will say that 2019 has been rough so far. I have cried so much that I am surprised I still have tears left, I underwent surgery, have had multiple anxiety attacks, lost ten pounds, experience negative thoughts often, scaled back on my commitments within my extra-curricular activities, contracted a bacterial infection, and have frequent migraines.

I have realized that the only goal I have at this point is to feel some sort of contentment or happiness. I feel so much pain both mentally and physically, and I want nothing more than for someone to tell me that they are proud of me, they support me, and everything will be okay (please be kind to me and send warm thoughts my way, thanks). I feel misunderstood and I feel lost. I always wondered if, or when, I would hit rock bottom, and I think I finally have.

I have always put others before myself. I have always put others before my health and my happiness. I am, frankly, not a healthy person. I do not eat well, I over-exercise, my bones are weak, I let my stressors consume me, I hard on myself for not being more compassionate or loving (even though I love so much and so easily), and my mental illnesses have created quite a thick icing on this cake.

I have decided to take charge and find my footing. I have therapy appointments scheduled, visit the Doctor for health-related concerns, and am trying to stress less over things that are not in my control.

People will always make assumptions about me and take advantage of me, but I need to take my own advice and trust only myself. No one knows me better than I know myself and I am so incredibly tired of taking the way others treat me at face value. I may be nice, I may be caring, and I may invest so much of myself into others, but these reasons do not give anyone the right to walk all over me. I truly believe that the ones who value me most will show me that they do, and I should start living by this.

I have always felt guilty for prioritizing my health. I find it disheartening that I am only doing so now because I am so broken, but at least I am taking action. Sometimes more strength is needed to do the simplest things such as asking for and receiving help, and I am proud of myself for finally finding mine.

I value positivity and I find importance in exuding it, but I have realized that being real is important as well. We all become so engrossed in euphemisms, and I have been one to pioneer this in many situations, but I value my authenticity more. Ways in which I plan on practicing this include: purchasing a yoga membership (I attended yoga classes with my best friend throughout my senior year of high school and my life changed for the better because of it), accepting situations and people how they are (for example, if I do not receive an A in a class, I will accept it and move past it), only posting photos or tweeting if I am posting them for myself and doing so actually makes me happy, unfollowing “friends”/YouTubers/celebrities who perpetuate negativity, scheduling therapy sessions, becoming more comfortable with my solitude, journaling (instead of channeling my frustrations and negative emotions into my relationships or situations) and saying no. The things that I love to do most are writing and singing, and I want to devote more time to both of those. I have a lot of post ideas and I have never written any of them, so I want to do that now. I do not have to do everything. I do not have to have a million commitments or constantly try to save people. I do not have to do what others think I should do. I do not owe anyone else my happiness, my energy, or my time.

I continue to sit here and try to fix myself, but all I seem to do is create more issues because I manifest “fixing” into pressure and perfection. I am so happy with my relationship, but I cause problems too frequently. This does not excuse the ones that he has caused, but I do not need to add to them when we are already so focused on bettering ourselves and our relationship, and see a future with each other. I let others sweep me into their messy affairs. I stress over assignments and am hard on myself if I do not exercise every day. I stare at myself in the mirror wondering why my nose is so large, my thighs are so big, or my hips are not smaller when, in actuality, I would be underweight if I lost a couple more pounds. I create mountains out of molehills when I am perfect just the way I am.

I highlighted this previously, but I will say that I often feel undervalued or unappreciated, and even if I am (and this does not excuse the way others treat me), I should not root my validation and happiness in the ways that others view me. Those who actually care will fight for me and will be present in my life at the end of the day.

I believe in the power of positivity and manifestation, and I will do my best to live by this, but I also do not have to be okay all of the time. One should never expect me or anyone else in their life to be okay and happy 24/7. At the same time, I do not have to live in pain. I do not have to sit in disappointment. I should and will be proactive about combatting negative energies, but in a healthy manner. I will do my best to avoid projecting my feelings onto others, even if they have upset me, and instead have constructive conversations. I am tired of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, and I would like all of those who read this to join me in the present and remind me to remain here.

This post may seem negative. It may seem like a cry for help. I do need help, but don’t worry, I’m finally starting to receive it and take better care of myself. I do not have to weather storms alone, and I hope that those who care about me and love me will join me in this process. I am not here for the promotion of unhealthy practices (such as not sleeping, eating, etc.) to do well on a test or to reply to emails, sarcasm, or the nonsense (feel free to insert stronger words) that people spew and stir. I am not here for your judgments of my character when others, frankly, do not even know me, how I am feeling, or even half of any given situation I face. Think what you will of me, but I am finally living for myself rather than everyone else and I will not apologize for it.

Being kinder to ourselves allows and empowers us to be kinder to those around us, and I would like to see a lot more of this within myself and my environment. I cannot help others without helping myself. If you gain nothing else from reading this, I hope you at least feel some sense of empowerment. I certainly do.

Also, writing down all of these thoughts made me feel better, and I wish I had done so earlier.

20th Birthday Reflection.

           

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Frankly, when I reflect on the majority of this past year, I am met with negativity. When reading this, please keep in mind that I am grateful for all I have. I will never forget that. I had some of the most amazing and fun experiences of my life, but the highs were so high and the lows were incredibly low. Most of the memories I have from this year contain certain people and it hurts to think about them, but I have reached the point in which I can think of these memories happily as well. I am going to be brutally honest in this blog post and I think I deserve to be. I am finally learning to love myself and I will not apologize for it.

One lesson that I have learned from this past year and what stands out to me the most is the importance of one’s environment. During the past few years of my life, I have worked diligently to ensure that my surroundings uplift me, so this year was extremely disappointing due to the negative (and often sarcastic) environment in which I often resided. I frequently felt excluded and misunderstood, and I think I finally snapped. I once tweeted, “do you ever just wait for the day when you don’t have to interact with certain people anymore” and I stand by that even more so now. Certain people in your life may be great, but maybe they’re only great in small doses.

Academically, I had some hard classes, but I feel as though my work ethic and studying habits improved lots over the course of the year. My fall semester GPA was atrocious, but my spring semester GPA was fantastic and I am so proud of myself for working that hard. I often prioritize extra-curricular activities and friends over my academics because of how extroverted I am, but I was able to balance everything so well despite the issues I faced.

This is going to be heavy. This summer was probably the worst summer I have ever experienced, but I also learned so much and had amazing opportunities. I feel as though this period of time clouds my judgment on this past year as a whole, but I think that the past school year led to this breaking point. Due to the constant stressors I faced over the school year, my mental health deteriorated. I have struggled for many years, but a point arose in which my ex-boyfriend pushed me to receive help because it was impacting my mood, my health, and my relationship with him. I am so thankful for his push. In April, I visited the mental health clinic at my University and was met with scary news. I scored red, or extreme, for suicidal ideation and was diagnosed with Major Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorder. I expected the first two, but not the latter. Additionally, I have terrible insomnia, frequent headaches, dermatitis and cysts on my scalp, and warts on my foot, so I feel even more overwhelmed sometimes. I am grateful to those who love me and support me despite all of this, and I hope that others can learn to accept me for who I am. My mental illnesses are very much so a part of me, but they do not define me, and I think I have proven myself capable and strong despite all of it. While meeting with the therapist, I emphasized my fear of my mental illnesses affecting my relationship greatly, but I know that I should not have examined them in this way. I prioritized saving my relationship over taking care of myself when I should have done the opposite. I was living an unhealthy lifestyle and maybe things have improved since then, or maybe they have not, but I am now working on improving my habits for myself and only myself.

I think I have learned quite a bit about relationships of all kinds over this past year. Not all friendships will stay. Not all friendships will remain the same. Last fall, I became very close with three amazing people. We studied for a class together almost every day and I would like to think that we were best friends at the time. These individuals had my back and I had never felt so supported. I fell in love with one of them, things became busier, and we drifted apart as a group, but still remained close with each other individually throughout the spring. Relationships change and this is okay. We often think of heartbreak in a romantic sense, but I have been hurt by so many of my friends throughout the past few years as well. Usually, being a light for others makes me happy and as an extrovert, I thrive by being surrounded by others constantly, but I just feel so drained. I am so tired of investing in people when they do not do the same. I am tired of being gaslighted and adjusting to what others want because I am expected to be “okay” with everything, and I am tired of being a doormat. One of the three folks I mentioned earlier once said to me, “Nat, nothing matters more to me than your happiness. You need to make sure you are happy before anyone else.” I think about this every day because he said this to me at one of my lowest points. Further, he is one of my only friends to ever tell me this. On that same token, I have realized how little most of my friends care. I know that not everyone is outgoing or is nearly as extroverted as I am, but I cannot help how hurt I feel. I just have to remember that if people choose to remove themselves, the decision to do so is not necessarily my fault. If people care, they will show it. We tend to over complicate situations and justify actions, but ultimately, things are this simple.

I am pretty frustrated and angry with some things and some people. I am pretty hurt. All I have ever done is try, though, and I know I deserve better. I stand by what I’ve said in the past: do not give up on those you love, but sometimes letting things run their courses is better than draining oneself.

I want to be careful with my heart, but I also know that doing so is not who I am. I love spreading love, I love sharing my heart, and I am open with others so that they can feel comfortable and open with me. I am often heartbroken and hurt, but if my light makes a difference in at least one person’s life, investing in others is worth it for me. I am proud of how vulnerable I am. I am proud of the love I give to others. I have a lot of faith in people and I know it. I probably always will.

I can name less than five people who truly understand me. I am an open book, but knowing everything about me is not the same as knowing who I am. I do not think that how long one has known another plays a role in how well one knows another. I have only recently met people who know and love me for all I am. I feel so disconnected and removed from certain people and this is difficult and frustrating, but everything happens for a reason (as annoying as this is).

Some recent situations have also led me to a life crisis in terms of career. I despise competition, I am not cutthroat, I want everyone to be happy with their lives and with me every single second, I have a Type A personality, but I want to be a politician? I had to do a lot of reflecting this summer over what being involved in politics means to me. I reminded myself that I chose this path purely, and only, because I want to help others. I am blessed and have quite a lot of privilege, so I want to use the resources and opportunities available to me to assist those who have less. I value transparency and authenticity, and I think the political realm could use a lot more of both. I vow to remain clean and genuine, and if I ever lose a race because of this, then so be it. One does not have to have a title to make a difference and the issues I want to tackle are much larger than myself and my own goals.

On a more positive note, I have had some AMAZING experiences this past year. I am working on Ilhan Omar’s campaign for Congress (!!!), interned at the Children’s Defense Fund, traveled to Washington D.C., Israel, Palestine, and Canada, worked on some beautiful initiatives in student government and am excited for my role as Ranking At-Large Representative this year, am the Director of Events and Programming for first-year and transfer students in the College of Liberal Arts, have sixty Spotify followers and have made some really great playlists (in my opinion), attended two fraternity formals and a couple wedding receptions, learned lots from a relationship, sang at multiple events, attended football games and concerts, tried new restaurants, lived in my first apartment, obtained some pretty cool Chaco tan lines, and have met a few wonderful people who have added so much to my life. I have laughed just as much as I have cried. This past year produced a lot of great music. Most importantly, after losing myself, I finally feel as though I am finding myself once again. In general, I am high strung and do not have much peace of mind, but I also know who and what grounds me and I am working to have more of those people and things in my life. Sometimes we have to break down in order to break through our issues.

I credit music (follow me on Spotify @natsohni or Natasha Sohni), running, my pillow pet Willie, elephants, puppies, blueberries, sunrises, hugs, water, caramel lattes with almond milk, Twitter, Snapchat stories, and around ten people for helping me through this year. Just know that I am thinking of all of you while writing this blog post at midnight on my birthday. I could write so much more, but I will be expanding on all of this in my blogs to come.

Here’s to no longer being a teenager. Here’s to twenty.

 

Some Thoughts, Questions, and Observations.

          

Many random items have crossed my mind over the past week, so I might as well record them.

I am not a fan of the summertime.

Even though I am not Christian, I feel as though I am at least aware of and have been exposed (both by choice and not by choice) to the basic aspects of Christianity while my Christian friends do not know anything about Hinduism or any other religion to that extent. I am not really religious, so this does not upset me or offend me personally, but it concerns me on a societal level. I have a lot of thoughts on religion / beliefs / spirituality / etc. and I will probably write a blog post about these areas at some point.

How will he know if anything happens to me? Should he know? Does he care about me anymore? Has he forgotten about me? Is he alright? I am not. I miss him and I am not sure I know what to do about it because, honestly, I cannot do anything about it.

One can only trust oneself. People may have good intentions, but no one knows one better than oneself. People can try their bests to make someone feel better, but the sad truth is while appreciated, their efforts will make the smallest dent in filling the void this person feels.

What saddens me most is the one person who can understand my current experience best is the one to whom I cannot speak.

Unfortunately, I relate too much to the song Better Now by Post Malone. The song is great, but I’m sure one would understand why I relate to it if she listens closely to the lyrics (especially from the verses). I relate too much to Mercy by Lewis Capaldi and Burning Bridges by Bea Miller as well.

Waking up naturally to the sun streaming into one’s room is a beautiful thing and I will forever treasure moments such as these.

The Twin Cities have seen quite a bit of rain recently.

A “rainy day” playlist is not a good or qualified “rainy day” playlist if it does not contain Bon Iver.

A Gopher football game is on a Friday this year and I am not sure how I feel about it.

My favorite activity to do with my family is gossiping.

Trump and Kim Jong Un shook hands for an uncomfortably long time.

I have seen a lot of elephant cruelty in the news recently and I will never understand why humans feel so entitled to animals’ lives (and other human lives).

The Minnesotan political world has become more interesting over the past week. I am excited for what is to come.

I have too much trouble sleeping.

I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of self love. That being said, I do not think it is wrong to enjoy loving someone else and experience romance.

Love is not dead.

Child deaths by lead poisoning have decreased significantly in Minnesota since the 1990s.

Netflix keeps removing every show and movie actually worth watching.

Inconveniently, free therapy appointments are not actually free.

I have become too comfortable with crying in public. Additionally, what exhausts me most is awaking to tears streaming down my face. Hopefully this does not continue for too much longer.

The only time I can escape my mind is when I am sleeping, but this makes waking up an extremely unpleasant experience (as one can determine from my previous statements).

A happy relationship does not equate to a healthy relationship, but this does not mean an an unhealthy relationship will always be unhealthy.

Although I am so grateful and have been fortunate enough to travel internationally many times, international flights (and airplanes and airports in general) make me nervous.

Mean people will always exist. Nice people will always exist too.

Rumors establishing Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra’s relationship have been circulating and while I am not a fan of the idea, I will always side with love and I wish them the best.

Gucci slides are priced around three hundred dollars, but so many people buy them.

I am too proud of my Spotify playlists, but I also think I am rightfully so. I will plug them for the rest of my life.

The blueberries I have eaten recently have not tasted as plump and juicy as usual.

I am not a fan of Microsoft Excel, but I am becoming more comfortable with it.

Being surrounded by people will always make me feel better. I guess I am an extrovert for a reason.

I am excited for school to begin even though we are in the midst of summer.

The people in my life are so beautiful and inspiring.

Learning to be okay with solitude is more difficult than it appears.

I have been feeling pretty empty, but this is okay because I do not have to feel otherwise if I truly do not feel it and faking it will not make anything better.

I know I am behind on creating my YouTube channel, but hopefully I’ll do so soon.

So many organizations are doing amazing work and I’m proud to be a part of one such organization.

When you’re eighty, what you will remember most while reflecting on your life are the people who stood by you throughout all of your successes and failures. This is why you should never let go of those who care about you even when things are difficult. Imagine this person standing beside you years down the road. Do not let go of that.

Money has too large of an influence on us.

I rewatched my favorite Gossip Girl episode (Season 1, Episode 13) the other day and I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the show (and life). “People don’t tell you who you are. You tell them.”

Knowing Her Worth.

     

She had loved him for ten years. He lived so close; this small proximity made her yearn to see him every day. Her heart kept prompting her to tell him those three words we all wish to hear, but do not desire to misuse. Her mind influenced her heart with logic.

“If he loved me, he would have told me…right?” “I’m tired of exposing my vulnerable tendencies to those who do not seem to care.”

These ten years pass and she explores options with others while he haunts her mind. She meets new friends when she begins her adventure in higher education and she describes him to these folks with excitement in her eyes, but a looming sorrow lingered just the same.

“He’s so charming! He’s so handsome! You should tell him how you feel.” “I shouldn’t have to tell him…”

Months later, she decides to take a risk. She does what many of us would never have the confidence to do. Her heart is pounding and her head feels light. Regardless of how she is feeling internally, she walks toward him on a bright summer day with an air of confidence.

“I love you.” “I have always felt the same way about you.”

Did she truly just hear these words? If one were to glance at her during this exact moment, she would see a girl who looked as though she had never shed a tear. Her smile is unimaginably wide.

The two lovebirds make plans. He promises to see her.

He never shows. Disappointment floods her body to the bone, but she also makes no effort to ask him why he didn’t. After ten years, she felt as though he did not deserve even this much.

He calls. He apologizes and promises her a visit.

He doesn’t show once again. She heads back to University and does her best to forget this unfortunate story. He calls, but she does not answer. He leaves messages, but she does not reply.

“Why? Why not give him another chance? You love him.”

“I told him I love him. He did the same. If this is the most he can do after ten years of waiting, I desire no part in this story. While I am hurt, I am not going to accept even more of this tragic feeling from him. My time is better spent on myself and those who recognize my value. He had me. He lost me.”

19th Birthday Reflection.

     

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Where should I begin?

When one thinks of turning nineteen, she probably doesn’t think of much. The age isn’t necessarily considered a milestone and at most sounds a tad bit more mature than eighteen. For some reason, though, I was a little more excited about my birthday this year than I usually am (I’m usually not very excited). I spent the day going to brunch with my friends and roommates, and later attended the State Fair with some of my best friends. I was also able to watch some Harry Potter.

I would say I remember birthdays quite well. I’m sure many others have a knack for this too, but I also remember to somehow personally wish each person. I think, due to this, I am always curious and excited to see who will actually take the time to wish me. In this process, I also am surprised by those who don’t wish me (and these are folks who definitely know when my birthday is). Ultimately, I feel quite guilty if I do not wish someone a Happy Birthday, but I guess I may be alone in this feeling.

I think I’ve definitely learned quite a bit about myself this past year.  I truly feel as though I have discovered what makes me “happy” and what I want from myself, my relationships, my friendships, my family, my schooling, my passions, and my career. I am more comfortable sharing my opinions as I have definitely learned lots within and outside of my schooling.

I have met so many people and have made so many wonderful friends. I know I will have the friendships I’ve made for the rest of my life. While I consider practically everyone I know a friend, I know those whom I consider my closest or best friends now will always have my best interests in mind (I will do the same).

I am now an Event Officer on my college’s Student Board and am an At-Large Representative in my University’s student government. I had an interesting internship this summer with County government and I truly felt as though my opinion was valued.

While I’m grateful for all of these positive factors, I must, of course, discuss the negatives. I would say, even during my Senior year of High School, my anxiety heightened quite a bit more than it already had. I believe I am now mainly a “Type A” personality and can be annoyingly specific about how I (and those around me) complete tasks. While this has, obviously, affected my mental health even more than it already was, I try to remind myself to remain calm within my storm of worries. I am often quite hard on myself and this is frequently reflected physically on my body (I suffer from dermatitis and cysts on my scalp due to emotional stress). All good things take time, so I will continue to do what I can to better and maintain my health.

Ultimately, I am incredibly indebted to the positive influences I have for making my life what it is currently. Many do not have the opportunity to see the age of nineteen and I can only hope that I do it justice. My youth and / or age should not have any significance in how much of a difference I make during my time here.

The Disconnect.

  

I wouldn’t be where I am without other people. Further, as cliché as it sounds, I wouldn’t be who I am today without every single person I have had the pleasure of meeting. While I appreciate these folks, I feel a disconnect with most of them now after completing my first year in the world of higher education. I do not feel the same excitement I used to feel when seeing friends from my high school or chatting with anyone, really, from my hometown.

This troubles me. Am I ungrateful? Am I selfish? Am I just plain mean? These questions constantly penetrate my mind. So much has occurred in the past nine months. I’ve encountered new people, new situations, new events, and new classes. Everyone else has as well. Whether it was desired or not, we’ve changed. My views regarding the world and my relationships with others have taken a turn.

I am tired of trying to maintain a balance between my life in my hometown and my life in college. They’re separate, unfortunately, and although I can mold them together, I don’t see the appeal in doing so. I do not necessarily know why that is, but I am slowly discovering more and this is okay. If I care enough about someone from my past, I will make sure to keep him or her in the loop with my present (I’d expect the same in return).

Sure. I wouldn’t be who I am today without these people, but this shouldn’t stop me (or anyone else) from progressing and meeting people who wish for positivity and light to envelope my life. Quite frankly, the competitive edge overtook many in my hometown and due to this, I cannot say that everyone had everyone else’s best interests in mind. This was taxing.

I’ll never forget or disregard my roots, but I cannot prevent the steps I will take in letting go. I am incredibly thankful for those I have met and still consider all of them my close friends, but they only know the person I used to be. I am still Nat, but I have grown.