Category: romance

21st Birthday Reflection.

              

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and do not reflect those of the organizations, representatives, or folks mentioned in this post. Additionally, I am aware of my privilege and thankful for the opportunities I have had. This post is going to be long, but please read all of it.

Wow. I keep thinking about the words that are about to flow into this post and I feel so much pain. I am choosing to be candid because how do I, or any of you reading this, benefit from this post if I am not? I probably will not sugarcoat too much. This is hard for me to write.

I feel as though I share a lot on my blog, and even more in real life, and I’ve only grown to be more open and vulnerable within the past year. Every time I post something, I’m completely terrified. Every time I share a piece of myself with someone, I’m completely terrified. So many of my friends ask me how I do it. Honestly, I do not know if I have the “right” answer in terms of how to practice vulnerability. I think a lot of this is just who I am and my personality, but my thought process has always centered around reminding myself, often, that I will never regret being vulnerable. I can never be blamed for withholding how I feel.

Every year, on my birthday, I go on a sunrise run. I do this to show myself that even though sunsets exist, sunrises do too. Additionally, joy exists in looking forward to a beautiful view.

Much of this past year has been beautiful. I held leadership positions at my university and worked on meaningful initiatives. In the past, I had always dreamed of speaking at a rally because I saw so many of my role models within the political field do the same. I accomplished this goal and spoke at a Planned Parenthood Get Out the Vote rally last fall alongside a good friend and amazing advocate, US Senator Tina Smith, former Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards, Lieutenant Governor Peggy Flanagan, US Senator Catherine Cortez Masto, and at-large Minneapolis School Board Member Kimberly Caprini. Events like these pave the way for women in politics, and I am honored to be a part of this movement.

During election season, our team increased voter turnout in student precincts by over one hundred percent. We worked to have so many progressive candidates elected and while these times may be daunting politically, I think we can all acknowledge that they are exciting as well. I had an amazing experience last November and spoke on a BBC international radio show, and I still cannot believe that this happened. A mentor of mine once told me that importance exists in just buckling down and doing good work. If you do good work, regardless of where you are, people will notice and honor it.

This summer, I had the opportunity to intern at Tina Smith’s Senate office. The work environment was fun and I had a lot of interesting conversations with my fellow interns. We all got along super well, and I think, being in an office where the work, at times, can be mundane (scanning documents, answering constituent calls, writing letters), having great people alongside oneself is essential. I had a cool boss and us interns were paired with staffers based on our interests, so I was paired with the Diversity & Inclusion Outreach staffer and Healthcare & Aging Outreach staffer. Both of them are incredible women and I learned lots just by having conversations with them. I was able to partake in meetings and visit fascinating places such as the Federal Reserve. I learned a lot about what the work is like in a senate office as well as a lot about myself.

Over the past year, I have been fortunate to travel a fair amount. Last fall, I attended a national student government conference in New Orleans, and I could say a lot about the experiences I had there, but I think I will just say that it was interesting for sure. We were there over the weekend of Brett Kavanaugh’s unfortunate and scary, in my opinion, confirmation to the Supreme Court, and I heard some discouraging viewpoints regarding the matter. I am not sure how I managed to accomplish this given my packed schedule (take a look at my Google calendar), but I was able to fly to London for a weekend in April with my mom. To be honest, I thrived. I lived. I know that not everyone can afford to travel like this and I am so blessed to have a mother who would think of me when booking trips like this, but I needed it. I needed to clear my head and escape from the environment that was breaking me. I feel as though this trip also contributed positively to the relationship I have with my mom. I think that we have become closer throughout my time in college, but we became that even closer over this trip as well. I admire her so much.

I recently visited my family in India. We travel there every couple of years, and I enjoyed seeing my family. At the same time, I struggled quite a bit because I am constantly on the go, but I spent a lot of time sitting with my own thoughts while I was there. I felt anxious because my thoughts consumed me, and while I had fulfilling conversations with family members and read a couple books, I like to be moving. I really hope some of my family members in India visit us here at some point soon because I would love to show them a little bit of my world as well. Easy and comfortable living is not common in India. If you’re reading this, I urge you to visit the country at some point in your life because while it is beautiful, everyday life is not anything like how it is here in the United States. I am reminded of this every time I visit, and I am glad that I am. If you’d love to discuss India’s social and political climate with me sometime, let me know and we can grab coffee or take a walk.

This next part is going to be tough to write. As many know, I was in a long-term relationship that ended in February. I felt as though my soul had been sucked out of me and I had been shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. I still feel so much pain just from remembering the pain that this Natasha was feeling. Out of respect for him, I will not be sharing specific details, but we had gotten back together after breaking up once in May 2018, and I do not think either of us had healed from that previous breakup when we decided to do so. He is not toxic, but the relationship was. I can say that I deserve better, but I do not mean that I deserve a better person; I just deserve better treatment. I spent more time crying than I did smiling when I was with him. I would miss him when he was lying right next to me. I know that I showered him with as much love as I could muster, but if I have learned anything over time, it is that love is not enough to make a relationship work. I threw love at every problem, but the problems were never resolved. I just broke a little bit more with every single one. I will always have love for him, but I deserve someone who will respect not only me, but my love and my time. As Lewis Capaldi sings in Bruises, “it’s your love I’m lost in, and I’m tired of being so exhausted.” He struggled to treat me well and he admitted that he did. He did not have it in him because he did not love himself and was not secure in his life here, and how you treat others is often reflected in how you treat yourself.

I have noticed that my mental health is infinitely worse over breaks. My depression and anxiety were much worse over the winter, spring, and summer breaks. Winter break was especially troubling because I had moved out of my apartment due to a tough roommate situation and I spent most of it in Rochester. I love spending time with my family, but I do not like residing in a town that has not grown with me. I started 2019 and spring semester on a sad note, was trying to mend a broken relationship, and I actually lost an incredible amount of weight on top of already facing eating disorder (I have gained most of it back). My anxiety and depression were so horrible that, even as a high-functioning person, I started missing classes (I did alright academically despite this) and was too sad or anxious to make food and eat it. I still struggle with eating disorder, but I do my best to work through it. I have an immense amount of cysts on my scalp due to stress, most likely, and had a few of them removed at the beginning of the semester. The surgery was kind of horrible and this did not help my anxiety.

I started consistently attending therapy during this time, and I am glad that I am now taking steps to better my mental health. Growth is not linear, and I still struggle, but after my breakup, I felt lighter. I am more outspoken, and I love and appreciate my existence. I pay so much attention to where I place my energy. I have always had high emotional intelligence, but I am more forward about verbalizing how I feel, and have done so especially in the romantic experiences I have had since my relationship. All good things take time, and I continue to put myself out there and share my heart because I know that the relationships I have with other people are formative for my personality type. I am who I am because of others. I can be hurt a million times, but I will never close myself off to new experiences, or love, or the risk of heartache. If I know that I have given something or someone all that I can, I do not need to blame myself for whatever happens next. Building walls is the easy option, but relationships, dating, and loving in general is hard. The easy option will not work in the long run. My friends and family have told me in the past to stop investing so much into others because I am hurt so often, but why should I change myself because of how others treat me? I am going to be exactly who I am, and I would want the men I date, and especially whoever my life partner is, to value this. We will see what happens in the coming days.

For some reason, I was unable to cry for about four months over this past year. I might have cried so much before then that I did not have any tears left, but I often had the urge to cry because I am such an emotional person and could not bring myself to do it. Luckily, this has been resolved and I have cried a fair amount recently. Crying can be therapeutic and I do not think that anyone should ever be afraid to shed a few tears. I have realized that driving, running, singing, and yoga are also very therapeutic for me, and I know that I mentioned this months ago on my blog, but I might invest in a yoga membership. I would like to have a more consistent practice.

On a spiritual and religious note, as I grow older, I question religion more and more. I have always had an existential mind, but religion, frankly, makes me angry. I respect the concept of religion because I think having faith in oneself and the future is important, but in my opinion, it is socially constructed and this should be recognized just the same. I find so much frustration in the fact that religion causes so much hate in this world. We have folks dying at the hands of it coupled with other concepts such as power. While I like to believe in a greater being and do pray occasionally (always thanking, never asking), I think a lot of folks are hypocritical when it comes to practicing their respective religions (based on what they preach). I am Hindu by birth, and do celebrate the cultural holidays we have when possible, but I am careful about letting it guide me or believing in it so much that I lose myself to it. I would rather decide my own morals and values, and follow them “religiously” (nice word play there, Nat) if that makes sense.

In other news, I decided to finally have my ears pierced this past year and now have double piercings. I really like it. Last year, at this time, I had sixty (60) Spotify followers. I now have two hundred and seventeen (217)!!! I appreciate the support and if you do not follow me on Spotify, I recommend that you do. I saw Aminé and 6LACK in concert and saw Rupi Kaur speak last fall, and I really needed to hear a lot of what she said. I am now the President of the College of Liberal Arts Student Board as well as the Coalition for Progressive Change, and I am a Research Assistant at the Minnesota Population Center on the IPUMS-DHS project. I am also on the University of Minnesota Homecoming Royalty court, and the other royals are awesome. I have a few concerts scheduled in the coming months as well including Pink Sweat$, Lewis Capaldi, and my favorite band of all time (FBOAT, if you will) Bon Iver. I will be seeing Bon Iver in North Carolina and my mother is attending the concert with me. I cannot wait. My travel bug bite is large, so I have some other trips in the works too. I have really fun roommates and, given that I do, I know that I will have a really fun senior year of college.

I have grappled a bit with imposter syndrome over the past year (and my entire life), and I think my accomplishments and the leadership positions I have acquired have contributed to this. I know that I work hard, but I am well aware of my privileges and I often question whether I am really qualified in that regard. I feel as though I am floating and drowning and internally screaming all at once. I do not think most folks understand what it is like to be inside of my head, but my mind overwhelms me.

I think a few folks deserve to be mentioned in this post. I would like to thank my mother, father, and brother for every family lunch, hug, and gossip session. We may have the occasional disagreement, but they always tell me that they are proud of me and this means the world. Many do not have intact family units and I will never take mine for granted. Family, when you’re reading this, I love you and appreciate you. I (literally and figuratively) would not be here without all of you. My successes do not mean much without acknowledging the ladder you built for me.

I do not know how I would have gotten through this year without my best friend and future maid of honor, Harmanpreet. She has wiped my tears too many times to count and she knows exactly what I need to hear. I am probably too protective of her, but she deserves all of the success and happiness in the world, and I will do everything I can to contribute to this.

I have set a few goals. I plan on running a marathon before I am thirty, desire to improve my posture, and I *will* have a job upon graduation in May. I am looking to work for a non-profit, or some government or politically related department for a couple years before attending graduate school for a Master’s degree in Public Policy/Global Health Policy. Additionally, I have the dream of working for Spotify, so if the opportunity arises, that’d be cool.

The world can be scary personally, professionally, domestically, and globally. I am terrified. I do not like uncertainty. I do not like feeling alone or feeling lost. I am terrified, but music exists. Sunrises exist. Love exists. Google Calendar exists. While I bask in my uncertainty and existential crises, I am going to be proactive. I am going to blast my favorite songs, fall in love with myself and those around me, stay organized, and simply just live. My heart is often enveloped in pain, but pain is how one grows. I know that energy is contagious, and I will always do my best to exude it positively.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure we call life over the past year and for reading this post. I am blessed to be here. We all are. If you’ll excuse me, I am going to drink a glass of rosé as I am now twenty one.

The Test of Time.

      

I often describe myself as someone who thinks with her heart. This rings true in every situation, but is especially true in romantic instances. Feelings and emotions always mean more to me than logistics. It is in my nature to do so and I do not try, or desire, to fight it. Given recent events, I have been pushed to evaluate more on why I do this, and I have arrived at a few interesting reasons.

Emotions inform my choices because this is what I saw in my own home. My parents are about to celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary. I am fortunate enough to have a prime example of true love right in front of me. They have not actually been in the same location to celebrate most of their anniversaries together, and this year will not be any different. Almost immediately after their wedding, they were apart for quite a while as they were pursuing their respective degrees and careers. My father has had to travel and reside in other places consistently for work since I was in first grade. For half of their marriage, they have not been able to come home to each other every day, or even for weeks at a time, but the love they have for each other is just as strong. My brother and I have been able to grow and learn from them, we have been able to visit so many countries and relatives as a family, and our group chat is occasionally riveting. At the same time, the house has felt lonelier without my dad’s presence, my mom was tasked with driving my brother and I to our various activities until I received my license, and pictures or videos of important events do not equate to being with one another in person. As I enter my senior year of college, I have not felt these effects as much over the past few years, but I still remember feeling frustrated when I was younger.

As I stated previously, I am so thankful, throughout all of this, to have an intact family unit nonetheless. Having parents who constantly fight for each other against logistics had a large impact on me as an impressionable youth. They married each other within a year of meeting. My mother proposed to my father. When I asked them how long it took them to know that their connection is unique, they said that they knew almost immediately.

I feel as though, even if you do not instantly think of marriage, you can quickly realize whether you see potential with someone. I know myself well enough to know what I need in terms of emotional depth and connection, and even if a million barriers are placed in front of us, I am always ready to break them.

I am unsure as to why I am so willing to fight for love and persist, but the intersection of personality and genetics probably has something to do with it. My father and I have similar temperaments, and he is quick to act on his emotions. My mother is detail-oriented, and even the smallest moments can have immense impacts. Both of my parents dislike taking “no” for an answer, and say yes to almost everything asked of them.

When he asks me to think logically while working through the challenges our relationship faces, I find difficulty in removing my feelings and emotions from the process of doing so. It is frustrating, but I cannot help it. What I can do, though, is acknowledge and explain why I think the way I do, and be mindful of this when navigating the twists and turns of dating, relationships, romance, or anything really. I understand that how we feel about each other has to take a backseat to other life events sometimes, and this is where the test of time plays a role. If our connection is still just as strong throughout and after the growing, experiences, and barriers we have presented in front of us, we will know.

My parents stood the test of time and I am here because of it. I fight for love because of it. I let myself fall and invest myself into others because of it, and I am proud to do so. Patience takes strength, and it is tough (as I stated in my last blog post, our story would not be worth it if it were easy), but only time can tell if something is meant to be.

Put Us in a Box.

   

my feelings and your feelings cannot be placed into boxes
as though they are one dimensional, easily understood, cut and dry

you cannot ask me to evaluate how I feel, or how you make me feel, by simply saying “yes” or “no” 

if we could describe our relationship with one word, I would not be wishing for happily ever afters 

if our story were that easy to pursue, it would not be worth it 

Brave Face.

    

hazel eyes with flecks of green
clouded with tears
and your heart wades within them

he always asks you how you are feeling
but you have difficulty articulating how he makes you feel
and even though this is not what he means when he asks you this question
the way he makes you feel erodes everything else

your heart crumbles when he is holding you
but it shatters at the thought of him leaving
he is going to be an ocean away
and he is going to be on your mind
simultaneously

what is meant to be will be they say
you tell yourself to have faith

you push yourself to wear a brave face
but you really just want to lay your head on his chest
hear his heart beating
and tell him to stay

Home.

      

You look into a sea of blue and you see an entire world. You see your future. You see a red house with mahogany wood and a wrap around porch, a smiling baby with a soft, tan complexion, and anniversary dinners.

You see your head resting on his shoulder as you travel to Italy or Thailand or India, and kissing him at sunset in front of the Taj Mahal. You see arguments in the kitchen resolved with warm cuddles, and even warmer words, shared by the fireplace while listening to your collaborative Spotify playlists.

You see your phone calls that last hours and hours while you are oceans away from one another and you see him coaching your son’s soccer team. You see a labradoodle and a tabby cat, concerts played by artists who have been able to put your love into words, countless pizza orders, and family outings to football games.

You see yourself sobbing in his arms, pushing each other to challenge yourselves in your careers, and lighting candles created from a scent that you’ll always love.

You look into a sea of blue and feel lost. You see dilated pupils, you find yourself softly kissing his cheek, you hear the final “I love you,” and then you’re looking at a closed door. Your soul had found a home, a community, a safe space. If you think about it, most people do not live in the same house forever. More than one sea exists, and a new one is always waiting to engulf you. You will find your home. You just have to let yourself move.

The best advice I gave and received in 2018.

           

in no particular order

You cannot be positive without being grateful.

No one knows you better than you know yourself.

The world is not against you. Most are just working for themselves and you are hurt in the process.

Someone else’s beauty does not diminish your own.

The best leaders are the ones who desire to learn from those who follow them.

Do not trust others blindly.

Searching for signs is a sign in itself.

Self-care is a necessary habit if you desire to help others.

You cannot make everyone happy.

Do not invalidate someone else’s trauma.

All good things take time.

Having high expectations for your significant other and your relationship is valid.

Do not surround yourself with folks who do not add to your life.

Do not assume that the man is paying.

Do not apologize for saying “no.”

Do not apologize for your feelings.

Some people just do not act on their feelings because protecting their hearts is more worth it to them than the possibility of love.

You will hurt the people you love and expecting otherwise is unrealistic. Love prevails. Do not let pain prevail.

He may be the world, but you are the universe.

Missing someone you love is okay.

Do not compare your relationship to other relationships.

Your opportunities arise from your manifestations.

Do not be ashamed to do (legal, healthy, reasonable, kind) activities that bring you joy.

Support men who choose to attend therapy sessions.

If you are privileged enough to vote, you should be voting.

Communication is key.

Always tip. Do not dine and ditch.

I say this often, but strength exists in being vulnerable.

If you are running for office, promote your own platform instead of bashing your opponents’ platforms. Voters will not learn anything about you if you spend all of your energy on creating negative facades for your opponents.

Surround yourself with folks who match your level of excitement.

You were beautiful and smart before him, and you will be beautiful and smart after him.

Gaslighting will happen occasionally in relationships of any kind, but both parties must consciously work to avoid doing so.

Some folks will always be mean and investing your energy into those who are kind is best in this case.

Sometimes, you might feel lonely because the people you love are unable to understand your experiences. Do your best to avoid projecting your frustrations onto them and if you do project, do not scold yourself for it. You are not perfect and your loved ones should not expect you to be perfect.

Toxic & unhealthy relationships do not contribute to an individual’s success and productivity.

If you are able to pick and choose the issues about which you care, you have privilege.

If you are able to avoid conversations surrounding politics, you have privilege.

Having privilege is not an issue; not recognizing your privileges is problematic.

Some will automatically assume you cannot be trusted or that you are a bad person, but this does not mean that you actually are.

Give others the benefit of the doubt.

Do your best to accommodate for folks with disabilities, and cultural or religious holidays.

Do not criticize what others in power have or have not done if you have not used your own power to enact change either. You do not have to be an elected official to create a movement or enact change.

Supporting, uplifting, or advocating for marginalized voices does not need to be (and probably should not be) politicized.

Bad and evil things will happen. Do not let the world make you cold-hearted.

Surround yourself with people who want nothing more than to watch you fall in love with being alive.

Complacency is not cute.

Worrying does not accomplish anything.

You do not owe anyone your happiness but yourself.

If you are feeling sad, happy, loved, empowered, weak, energized, angry, or any emotion really, follow Natasha Sohni on Spotify. She makes great playlists. 😉

 

20th Birthday Reflection.

           

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Frankly, when I reflect on the majority of this past year, I am met with negativity. When reading this, please keep in mind that I am grateful for all I have. I will never forget that. I had some of the most amazing and fun experiences of my life, but the highs were so high and the lows were incredibly low. Most of the memories I have from this year contain certain people and it hurts to think about them, but I have reached the point in which I can think of these memories happily as well. I am going to be brutally honest in this blog post and I think I deserve to be. I am finally learning to love myself and I will not apologize for it.

One lesson that I have learned from this past year and what stands out to me the most is the importance of one’s environment. During the past few years of my life, I have worked diligently to ensure that my surroundings uplift me, so this year was extremely disappointing due to the negative (and often sarcastic) environment in which I often resided. I frequently felt excluded and misunderstood, and I think I finally snapped. I once tweeted, “do you ever just wait for the day when you don’t have to interact with certain people anymore” and I stand by that even more so now. Certain people in your life may be great, but maybe they’re only great in small doses.

Academically, I had some hard classes, but I feel as though my work ethic and studying habits improved lots over the course of the year. My fall semester GPA was atrocious, but my spring semester GPA was fantastic and I am so proud of myself for working that hard. I often prioritize extra-curricular activities and friends over my academics because of how extroverted I am, but I was able to balance everything so well despite the issues I faced.

This is going to be heavy. This summer was probably the worst summer I have ever experienced, but I also learned so much and had amazing opportunities. I feel as though this period of time clouds my judgment on this past year as a whole, but I think that the past school year led to this breaking point. Due to the constant stressors I faced over the school year, my mental health deteriorated. I have struggled for many years, but a point arose in which my ex-boyfriend pushed me to receive help because it was impacting my mood, my health, and my relationship with him. I am so thankful for his push. In April, I visited the mental health clinic at my University and was met with scary news. I scored red, or extreme, for suicidal ideation and was diagnosed with Major Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorder. I expected the first two, but not the latter. Additionally, I have terrible insomnia, frequent headaches, dermatitis and cysts on my scalp, and warts on my foot, so I feel even more overwhelmed sometimes. I am grateful to those who love me and support me despite all of this, and I hope that others can learn to accept me for who I am. My mental illnesses are very much so a part of me, but they do not define me, and I think I have proven myself capable and strong despite all of it. While meeting with the therapist, I emphasized my fear of my mental illnesses affecting my relationship greatly, but I know that I should not have examined them in this way. I prioritized saving my relationship over taking care of myself when I should have done the opposite. I was living an unhealthy lifestyle and maybe things have improved since then, or maybe they have not, but I am now working on improving my habits for myself and only myself.

I think I have learned quite a bit about relationships of all kinds over this past year. Not all friendships will stay. Not all friendships will remain the same. Last fall, I became very close with three amazing people. We studied for a class together almost every day and I would like to think that we were best friends at the time. These individuals had my back and I had never felt so supported. I fell in love with one of them, things became busier, and we drifted apart as a group, but still remained close with each other individually throughout the spring. Relationships change and this is okay. We often think of heartbreak in a romantic sense, but I have been hurt by so many of my friends throughout the past few years as well. Usually, being a light for others makes me happy and as an extrovert, I thrive by being surrounded by others constantly, but I just feel so drained. I am so tired of investing in people when they do not do the same. I am tired of being gaslighted and adjusting to what others want because I am expected to be “okay” with everything, and I am tired of being a doormat. One of the three folks I mentioned earlier once said to me, “Nat, nothing matters more to me than your happiness. You need to make sure you are happy before anyone else.” I think about this every day because he said this to me at one of my lowest points. Further, he is one of my only friends to ever tell me this. On that same token, I have realized how little most of my friends care. I know that not everyone is outgoing or is nearly as extroverted as I am, but I cannot help how hurt I feel. I just have to remember that if people choose to remove themselves, the decision to do so is not necessarily my fault. If people care, they will show it. We tend to over complicate situations and justify actions, but ultimately, things are this simple.

I am pretty frustrated and angry with some things and some people. I am pretty hurt. All I have ever done is try, though, and I know I deserve better. I stand by what I’ve said in the past: do not give up on those you love, but sometimes letting things run their courses is better than draining oneself.

I want to be careful with my heart, but I also know that doing so is not who I am. I love spreading love, I love sharing my heart, and I am open with others so that they can feel comfortable and open with me. I am often heartbroken and hurt, but if my light makes a difference in at least one person’s life, investing in others is worth it for me. I am proud of how vulnerable I am. I am proud of the love I give to others. I have a lot of faith in people and I know it. I probably always will.

I can name less than five people who truly understand me. I am an open book, but knowing everything about me is not the same as knowing who I am. I do not think that how long one has known another plays a role in how well one knows another. I have only recently met people who know and love me for all I am. I feel so disconnected and removed from certain people and this is difficult and frustrating, but everything happens for a reason (as annoying as this is).

Some recent situations have also led me to a life crisis in terms of career. I despise competition, I am not cutthroat, I want everyone to be happy with their lives and with me every single second, I have a Type A personality, but I want to be a politician? I had to do a lot of reflecting this summer over what being involved in politics means to me. I reminded myself that I chose this path purely, and only, because I want to help others. I am blessed and have quite a lot of privilege, so I want to use the resources and opportunities available to me to assist those who have less. I value transparency and authenticity, and I think the political realm could use a lot more of both. I vow to remain clean and genuine, and if I ever lose a race because of this, then so be it. One does not have to have a title to make a difference and the issues I want to tackle are much larger than myself and my own goals.

On a more positive note, I have had some AMAZING experiences this past year. I am working on Ilhan Omar’s campaign for Congress (!!!), interned at the Children’s Defense Fund, traveled to Washington D.C., Israel, Palestine, and Canada, worked on some beautiful initiatives in student government and am excited for my role as Ranking At-Large Representative this year, am the Director of Events and Programming for first-year and transfer students in the College of Liberal Arts, have sixty Spotify followers and have made some really great playlists (in my opinion), attended two fraternity formals and a couple wedding receptions, learned lots from a relationship, sang at multiple events, attended football games and concerts, tried new restaurants, lived in my first apartment, obtained some pretty cool Chaco tan lines, and have met a few wonderful people who have added so much to my life. I have laughed just as much as I have cried. This past year produced a lot of great music. Most importantly, after losing myself, I finally feel as though I am finding myself once again. In general, I am high strung and do not have much peace of mind, but I also know who and what grounds me and I am working to have more of those people and things in my life. Sometimes we have to break down in order to break through our issues.

I credit music (follow me on Spotify @natsohni or Natasha Sohni), running, my pillow pet Willie, elephants, puppies, blueberries, sunrises, hugs, water, caramel lattes with almond milk, Twitter, Snapchat stories, and around ten people for helping me through this year. Just know that I am thinking of all of you while writing this blog post at midnight on my birthday. I could write so much more, but I will be expanding on all of this in my blogs to come.

Here’s to no longer being a teenager. Here’s to twenty.

 

Some Thoughts, Questions, and Observations.

          

Many random items have crossed my mind over the past week, so I might as well record them.

I am not a fan of the summertime.

Even though I am not Christian, I feel as though I am at least aware of and have been exposed (both by choice and not by choice) to the basic aspects of Christianity while my Christian friends do not know anything about Hinduism or any other religion to that extent. I am not really religious, so this does not upset me or offend me personally, but it concerns me on a societal level. I have a lot of thoughts on religion / beliefs / spirituality / etc. and I will probably write a blog post about these areas at some point.

How will he know if anything happens to me? Should he know? Does he care about me anymore? Has he forgotten about me? Is he alright? I am not. I miss him and I am not sure I know what to do about it because, honestly, I cannot do anything about it.

One can only trust oneself. People may have good intentions, but no one knows one better than oneself. People can try their bests to make someone feel better, but the sad truth is while appreciated, their efforts will make the smallest dent in filling the void this person feels.

What saddens me most is the one person who can understand my current experience best is the one to whom I cannot speak.

Unfortunately, I relate too much to the song Better Now by Post Malone. The song is great, but I’m sure one would understand why I relate to it if she listens closely to the lyrics (especially from the verses). I relate too much to Mercy by Lewis Capaldi and Burning Bridges by Bea Miller as well.

Waking up naturally to the sun streaming into one’s room is a beautiful thing and I will forever treasure moments such as these.

The Twin Cities have seen quite a bit of rain recently.

A “rainy day” playlist is not a good or qualified “rainy day” playlist if it does not contain Bon Iver.

A Gopher football game is on a Friday this year and I am not sure how I feel about it.

My favorite activity to do with my family is gossiping.

Trump and Kim Jong Un shook hands for an uncomfortably long time.

I have seen a lot of elephant cruelty in the news recently and I will never understand why humans feel so entitled to animals’ lives (and other human lives).

The Minnesotan political world has become more interesting over the past week. I am excited for what is to come.

I have too much trouble sleeping.

I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of self love. That being said, I do not think it is wrong to enjoy loving someone else and experience romance.

Love is not dead.

Child deaths by lead poisoning have decreased significantly in Minnesota since the 1990s.

Netflix keeps removing every show and movie actually worth watching.

Inconveniently, free therapy appointments are not actually free.

I have become too comfortable with crying in public. Additionally, what exhausts me most is awaking to tears streaming down my face. Hopefully this does not continue for too much longer.

The only time I can escape my mind is when I am sleeping, but this makes waking up an extremely unpleasant experience (as one can determine from my previous statements).

A happy relationship does not equate to a healthy relationship, but this does not mean an an unhealthy relationship will always be unhealthy.

Although I am so grateful and have been fortunate enough to travel internationally many times, international flights (and airplanes and airports in general) make me nervous.

Mean people will always exist. Nice people will always exist too.

Rumors establishing Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra’s relationship have been circulating and while I am not a fan of the idea, I will always side with love and I wish them the best.

Gucci slides are priced around three hundred dollars, but so many people buy them.

I am too proud of my Spotify playlists, but I also think I am rightfully so. I will plug them for the rest of my life.

The blueberries I have eaten recently have not tasted as plump and juicy as usual.

I am not a fan of Microsoft Excel, but I am becoming more comfortable with it.

Being surrounded by people will always make me feel better. I guess I am an extrovert for a reason.

I am excited for school to begin even though we are in the midst of summer.

The people in my life are so beautiful and inspiring.

Learning to be okay with solitude is more difficult than it appears.

I have been feeling pretty empty, but this is okay because I do not have to feel otherwise if I truly do not feel it and faking it will not make anything better.

I know I am behind on creating my YouTube channel, but hopefully I’ll do so soon.

So many organizations are doing amazing work and I’m proud to be a part of one such organization.

When you’re eighty, what you will remember most while reflecting on your life are the people who stood by you throughout all of your successes and failures. This is why you should never let go of those who care about you even when things are difficult. Imagine this person standing beside you years down the road. Do not let go of that.

Money has too large of an influence on us.

I rewatched my favorite Gossip Girl episode (Season 1, Episode 13) the other day and I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the show (and life). “People don’t tell you who you are. You tell them.”

Falling In Love Will Break Your Heart.

   

“Please don’t give up on me.”

“Don’t let go.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“I promise.”

“This is hard.”

“I feel as though I can’t connect with you when you do this.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m afraid.”

“I see a future with you.”

“I don’t know where I would be without you.”

“I feel as though I’ve known you forever.”

“I need you.”

“I miss you.”

“I love you.”

Relationships (of the romantic kind).

     

Relationships are difficult. One is suddenly thrown into a world of dependency, balance, constant accountability, vulnerability, compromise, trust, and everything else that lies within these concepts. She cannot prepare for this world and this adds an immense amount of pressure. Before I analyze relationships further, I’d like to examine my own as I think doing so will help those reading this blog post (and more importantly, myself).

My relationship gives me so much joy. Even typing that sentence touched my heart. I finally feel as though someone cares about me just as much as I care about him. I feel valued and respected. We focus on communication and as we all have most likely heard multiple times throughout our lives, communication is key. I am so glad I somehow stumbled upon the perfect relationship and the perfect person. We push each other in positive directions and I could not ask for anything better.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been facing some personal issues (mainly health related) and while they may be minor, they have been able to penetrate my mind negatively, causing me to be in a bit of a sour mood. I recognize that my spirits are not high and I do not necessarily feel like myself, but I do have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have reflected my unfortunate attitude in the way I’ve acted toward my boyfriend and this has caused unnecessary strains. The little fights I’ve picked, for the most part, do not contribute to our individual growths or the growth of our relationship. While the issues I am facing will hopefully disappear soon, I feel, in the simplest terms, just plain sad. I do not like the way I’ve been acting toward my boyfriend and even though he is probably one of the most understanding individuals I’ve ever met, knowing that I’ve hurt him breaks my heart. He does not deserve to be hurt. He has always done so much for me and continues to venture above and beyond to show me how much he cares.

I have no reason to distrust him. I have no reason to be annoyed with him (usually). I have no reason to fear him hurting me.

Why, then, do I create problems?

A few conceivable answers exist. In the past, I have given so much to my relationships and have received little in return. I’ve been heartbroken. I’m a careful person, so I am, most likely, subconsciously ensuring that I will not feel the pain and disappointment I’ve felt in the past ever again. Additionally, as my relationship came to fruition recently, we have not spent a ton of time apart. These past few weeks have been encompassed by lots of “I miss you”s, “I can’t wait to see you”s, FaceTime calls, never-ending text messages, and more than a few tears. We are both slowly becoming accustomed to how our lives, without seeing one another physically, would look. Distance is necessary to experience in every relationship and I know we’re both more than capable enough to handle it, but cold nights and interesting / funny / awesome memories made sans each other make it more difficult just the same.

The over-arching answer, though, is a bit more personal. As I stated above, these past few weeks have been extremely difficult and not necessarily fun for me. Granted, things could be a lot worse and I’m forever grateful to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, but some of the issues I am facing are just short of unbearable. I know my boyfriend cares quite a bit and simply desires to help, but I also know he literally cannot solve any of these problems and this frustrates me a great deal. Over two years have passed since I last felt this vulnerable and I am having trouble accepting his love and support due to this time lapse. I value my independence and do not want to look to him every time I find myself in a tough situation, but I must also recognize that having his support and depending on him for my happiness do not need to go hand in hand. I was extremely dependent in my past relationships and I have worked quite hard to reach a point in which I am finally confident in my own abilities to make myself happy. I have a fear of relapsing into this dependency, but this fear is irrational. I hope I can work to move past these insecurities and this fear alongside my attempt to overcome the past few weeks and the issues that arose within them.

I often feel frustration and sorrow due to my ongoing struggles with mental health. I tend to express these feelings when interacting with those I treasure most and my boyfriend has most definitely been bearing the brunt of this recently. I wish he understood this (and I do not always express my desperation for him to understand in the kindest way), but I do not blame him for not understanding. Unless one faces something similar personally, she will have trouble grasping this. I appreciate how he accepts me despite this very demanding and, often, inconvenient baggage and I must learn to cope in a healthier way.

Relationships are difficult, but they are also beautiful. Couples who work through the hardest times are the ones who make memories filled with an immense depth, and these memories only draw the two individuals closer together. I look forward to working through these difficulties with my boyfriend because I know he would do the same. We will keep communicating, supporting, and loving one another through every rainy day and every sunny sky. My heart is telling me to open my doors for him and have faith in him, and while I am definitely one to need more tangible answers, I must learn to be happy with this. If my relationship gives me joy, worry shall have no place in taking it away from me.