Category: clarity

Are Any of My Thoughts My Own?

  

I am constantly trying to strike the perfect balance between consuming and creating. To create, importance exists in consuming as much art as possible because doing so teaches us about different cultures and views. I read so that I can write, I listen to music so that I can sing, and I stream podcasts and YouTube videos so that I can improve my own podcast. We pay attention to social media trends so that we can provide our own takes on them (whether we post them or not). All of this makes sense, but I fear that consuming so much at every second of every day has also turned us into zombies. We are encouraged to be unique and celebrate those who push societal boundaries, but we are ostracized when we share opinions or provide nuance that disconcerts mainstream opinions.

In the past, I have definitely fallen into the trap of believing and re-sharing the first tweet that I see on any given topic before researching it. It could’ve been celebrity gossip or political news, and my mind inherently thought that if someone were posting about it and it had tons of likes, then it must have been true. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to read comments, check news sources, and triple confirm anything that I see. A headline or an image, especially within character limits, often does not paint the full picture, and even expanding the post to the comment section or replies can already fill some of the gaps. People will often link their sources in these areas, and looking at these sources is essential to avoid spreading misinformation or fear mongering.

All of this could seem obvious to anyone with basic media literacy, but what scares me more is how little we question whether we actually enjoy what the internet tells us to enjoy, or how little we question the values and beliefs that news sources and people in power tout. We are taught to keep our heads in the sand while our personalities are manufactured for us.
In a world that is becoming more and more influenced by artificial intelligence and the algorithms that result from it, I cannot tell whether we are all just promoting things that we know will be approved by the masses rather than what we actually like. Are the influencers’ “must-have” items actually items that I must have? Is that $150 blanket really life-changing compared to the $20 one? Do I truly think that this artist’s new album is amazing or did I just see hundreds of tweets saying that it was? Does my opinion really align with Rolling Stone‘s or Pitchfork‘s or did they just tell me what mine should be?

This news outlet just posted about a tragic situation in another country, and since I was told that they were “progressive” and can assume that every one of their stances aligns with my beliefs, I can also assume that their reporting is accurate. Everything that I now know about said situation is based purely on this Instagram post that I shared to my story and sent to five other people. I’m suddenly an expert in another foreign affair; I have to be because I did not give myself any time to learn or research it. I believe that silence is violence, and I also think that we’ve been conditioned to be vocal about issues about which we do not know anything. Sharing the incorrect information is also violence, but one is critiqued more than the other.

If we do not prefer what everyone else prefers, we could be labeled as “pick me” or weird or problematic. If we only prefer what everyone else prefers, we could be labeled as basic, unoriginal, someone with zero personality. We should question what we see, but only to a certain extent, and most of the time, we don’t even know what that extent is until it’s too late.

20 somethings often write about how they’re discovering themselves and question their identities on a daily basis, and I am no exception. I do not think that this constant consumption of ideas and opinions can always help us find ourselves and the success in doing so probably depends on how secure we are already. Do we have the ability to discern between noise and critical thought? Is this even possible anymore?
In the past, many people have told me that I am an interesting person, but I worry that I do not have anything original to offer at this point. Anything I say or do could be authentic to me, but how do I know if it will read that way to anyone else?

Over the past several weeks, I have become more intentional about my time away from the screen or really any type of media. When I journal, I write about whatever comes to mind first, regardless of how it could sound to an outside person. I write down more of my likes and dislikes even if they are generally viewed as silly or unappealing. I feel confident in my social and political beliefs, and my integrity is very important to me, so I do not foresee myself ever backpedaling on those; I do want to continue to be critical of everything that I see online. I think a lot about every piece of content that I retweet or repost, and while this does require quite a chunk of emotional energy, in a world of disinformation, it is essential.

I want to trust that my thoughts are my own, but as a cog in this capitalist landscape, I do wonder how much of my being has been constructed for me by outside powers. How would it look for me to deconstruct myself and build myself again? Being the author of my own identity is surely worth a try.

27th Birthday Reflection.

    

(Birthday reflections is a series on my blog.)
(I apologize for using “bestie” unironically in this post.)

They say (do not ask me to specify the “they” in question) that the age of twenty seven marks the beginning of one’s Saturn return. This signifies Saturn returning to the same position in the sky as it was when we were born, though it could happen anytime in one’s late twenties (starting with the age of twenty seven). Regardless of its spiritual validity, I’d like to believe that this year of my life will open new doors and provide the clarity for which I have been searching over the past few years. I feel as though I keep losing myself and finding myself and losing myself again, and I’m ready for the tumult in my mind to stop.
I know that this time in my life could also come with new challenges, but I also know that I have the strength to overcome them. The idea of the Saturn return only entered my personal ether recently and this The Cut article (among other online musings) has provided more insight since then. In the spirit of this next, supposedly transformative chapter in my life, I would like to couple the idea of the Saturn return with the experiences and lessons that I learned over this past year.

I can hardly believe it, but I am embarking on my fifth year of living in the great and complex city of Boston. I am so used to living here now that I almost feel a reverse culture shock when I visit my home state of Minnesota. I still have mixed feelings about this city, but I’ve found my footing and can confidently say that I know how to navigate the highs and lows here. I will say that I am very excited to see what this next year in Boston holds as I am now living, for the first time, with my partner! My boyfriend, Ben, and I moved into a new apartment together in August and despite the stress of Boston housing and moving, I have enjoyed getting to live with someone whom I love so much. I am sure that we will both learn so many lessons during this first year of living together and I will definitely share my observations. Reaching this milestone in a romantic relationship is such an awesome feeling for me given the amount of heartbreak I’ve experienced in the past. I feel so secure in my relationship and we often discuss how excited we are for our future together. I share more of my thoughts on living with a romantic partner and my relationship in this podcast episode.

Interestingly enough, I’ve found myself questioning and spiraling about my friendships now more than ever before. Growing up in Minnesota and being a people pleaser who now lives in the more stoic city of Boston, I have learned to be a bit more confrontational when something upsets me and I am trying to not take situations as personally. Most often, people do not act with malicious intent. The world is not against me; rather, everyone is just thinking about themselves. I also miss my friends who live in other places so much and I often panic about us drifting apart, and I would probably feel better if I knew that they felt the same way – if I know that they also care as much about preserving our friendships as I do.
As much as my friends may value me (and vice versa), we all have our own lives and ever-changing priorities. We can love each other and also be unable to devote every single moment or feel every single emotion with each other. We can disagree without making each other feel small. I feel as though I always need to be the best version of myself (say all of the “right” things, look my best, be in the best mood) in front of my friends because I fear being negatively perceived so much. These are people who know me well and I still worry that one vulnerable sentence or “negative” feeling will push them to view me in a poor light. This is something that I have recognized about myself and I am slowly working on it. These fears likely stem from somewhere and I’d love to squash them. I am so proud of the deep friendships that I have formed throughout my life and in Boston, and despite my own insecurities, I know that I am and can be a stellar friend. I will always invest my heart into my friendships and while my capacity may shift at different points in my life, I know that I am capable of making my friends feel valued just the same. I think that I also yearn to feel important to my friends, and I know that I am, but I overthink myself into doubting my place in a friend’s life too frequently.

In this vein, a recurring nightmare that I have is one in which someone (or multiple people) is berating me and I cannot form a coherent sentence in response. I am defenseless and I just blubber and cry. Assumptions are being made about me and thrown back in my face and I do not have the ability to explain myself. I am relieved when I wake from these nightmares, but I’m forced to acknowledge that these also probably stem from something. I am unsure if these subconscious fears are associated with being a woman of color and the constant pressure, double standard, and doubt that comes with these identities or if it’s from past experiences with people in my life where I expressed my hurt and was gaslighted in return. Regardless, I look forward to unpacking this more in my journal and in therapy (goal for twenty seven: find a therapist).
These nightmares often manifest into night terrors, during which I talk, yell, scream, and cry in my sleep. It can be very unsettling to hear and it’s even more unsettling to experience, but I do believe that I can take steps to prevent these from happening. Overall, I have not had the best routine for myself health wise this past year, and I desperately need to hold myself accountable with the goal of preserving my wellbeing and peace.

At the end of February, I visited India for the first time in five and a half years. One of my greatest friends from college, Simran, had her destination wedding at the Alila Fort in rural Rajasthan. This trip was pivotal for many reasons. I had never traveled to India without my family or without the purpose of visiting family before, and while I would have loved to see my family, paid time off and my journey did not allow for it. I was able to spend some time with my mom in Delhi before taking off for the wedding weekend, and she met some of my friends as well. My dear, sweet friend, Siddharth, collected me from the Delhi airport as I landed late at night, and my mom and I were able to spend the following day with him (Sid was very helpful in helping us navigate the chaos of Delhi). More of my besties, Nikil and Shamina, were able to spend the next day with my mom and me, and I had a wonderful time introducing my mom to all of these meaningful people in my life.
In addition to the beautiful celebration that it was, Simran’s wedding was also an epic reunion of our college friends. I had so much fun laughing, dancing, drinking, eating, and chatting with everyone and I truly think that traveling, specifically internationally, with friends is one of the most special experiences one can have on this earth. The memories and the stories that I have to tell remain close to my heart.

Being with my mom for those couple of days in India was also substantial as we lost my grandmother (her mother), less than a couple of weeks prior. My grandmother was a true matriarch. She raised three children mostly on her own, taught biology, english, and dance in a time when many women were unable to work, was a state champion in table tennis, lived with rheumatoid arthritis, and survived breast cancer. Even though I had not seen her for quite some time (too long), I never imagined a day without her on this earth. A piece of my heart is missing, but I know that it is residing safely with her. I am so glad that I was able to see my mom so soon after my grandma’s passing; we do not realize how much time we spend away from our families after we become adults.

Twenty six had its fun moments with trips to Maine, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Vermont, Wisconsin, Philadelphia, and New York City. I was able to make memories in all of these places with either family, Ben, and/or friends. I visited Philly for the first time and I loved it! Vermont and Maine were beautiful, and I already knew that Rhode Island and New Hampshire were as well. I had the pleasure of helping my brother move to Wisconsin for his first post-grad, full-time job, and as always, I am so proud to be his older sister. I really cannot express my love for NYC enough; I often tell people that the city makes me feel so important and unimportant simultaneously. It’s magical.

My best friend, Harmanpreet, and I took a trip to Montreal together in April. This trip was definitely needed as Harmanpreet is now in residency and we’ve lived in different states for the past few years. I don’t really know how it is possible to exist without seeing one’s best friend for months at a time, but we’ve made it work throughout every chapter and I can always count on her to fully know and see me, even with miles and miles of distance. Our dear friend, Tripat, lives in Montreal, and we were able to spend two nights in beautiful sisterhood with her. We, quite literally, stayed awake until 3 am talking with each other both nights. I feel so grateful to have hometown friends who have recurring roles in every chapter of my life. I can confidently say that we have always, genuinely, rooted for each other and will continue to do so.

This past year marked the second year of taking Ben to Minnesota, and we had a grand time. My college besties, Sarah and Harold, had their wedding back in June and being able to finally introduce Ben to them (and our other bestie, Swad) meant a lot to me. Every day that I am able to spend in Minnesota, especially with my partner, is a blessing. I feel so at home there.

This year was a fantastic year for concerts. I saw so many of my favorite artists live that I was forced to create a new list of dream shows! Concerts from this past year include: Kacey Musgraves, Shaboozey, Vince Staples, Charles Wesley Godwin, Vansire (my hometown friends!), Kendrick Lamar, SZA, Beyoncé, Hozier, and Tyler the Creator. Typing this list gave me butterflies all over again. Stay tuned for the concerts I have scheduled for twenty seven!

I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the disappointment and heartbreak that I have over the presidential administration that was elected over the past year in the United States. I sat in my apartment with my roommate on the night of November 6th and watched the screen turn much too red. The sheer terror that I felt, and continue to feel, in every inch of my body is unfathomable. I was not enthused about either candidate (and I was privileged enough to express this sentiment living in a blue state), but to know that the man in the White House won by as much as he did is distressing. In addition to the ongoing (and, frankly, decades long) occupation and genocide in Palestine and the horrors in countless other places globally, we have undocumented people, people of color, queer and trans people, birthing people, children, and more (basically everyone) fearing for their lives in this country (unsurprising, but still terrifying) as well. Every bit of funding is being stripped, misinformation and disinformation are rampant, and I’ve seen one too many (to be clear, one in itself is already too many) flag stickers with blue lines through them on cars for my liking. Individualism, white, male podcast hosts, AI usage, and book banning are ruining us and I think that we all have every right to feel afraid. I urge everyone reading this to remain vocal about human rights, Palestine, trans rights, reproductive rights, and every single other issue. We cannot stop fighting for and alongside one another until we see a free Palestine, a greener earth, and kids who can go to school without fear of being killed. When I think about all of this, I find difficulty in even celebrating my twenty seventh birthday when we watched another school shooting happen just last week and people are starving to death in Gaza. What are we doing?
Fostering community is so important – now more than ever. Inviting people into our smaller circles, resource sharing, and being present for one another is essential in enacting greater impact. I am always open to chatting about any of this more or brainstorming ideas for how we can all be involved in our communities.

Society does not prepare those in their mid to late twenties for the amount of weddings, pregnancies, moves, house buying, and engagements happen on an almost weekly, if not daily, basis. This time in life is a blast, but it can also place immense pressure on us to avoid feeling behind or as though we are not doing enough. I want to say that I’ve released myself from all of the expectations that exist to hit specific milestones at specific ages, but I am not quite there yet. As a virgo and eldest daughter of immigrant parents, I cannot help having a timeline and a plan. I’ve also realized that the beauty of my mid to late twenties is the constant pivoting because of how much does not happen according to these self/societally imposed plans. I still have so much that I want to accomplish professionally and creatively.
My podcast and my blog continue to reach more and more people, and I want to spend more time cultivating these projects. I want to start writing my book. I want to create more Instagram reels (it’s so fun). I want to write, record, and release a song. I want to visit new countries and reconnect with old friends. I want to finally complete my first marathon (unfortunately, I was injured during training last year after having a terrible bout of COVID). I want to try new recipes and read even more books. Realizing that I have free will – true, adult, free will – has been liberating and I can choose to fill my time however I’d like.
Every year of my life is so formative and I expect this year to be even more so. I cannot wait to report back on my experiences and learnings, and I’m always thankful to have you all here with me. Cheers to twenty seven! XOXO

books read while twenty six (my faves/must reads are asterisked):
– Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple
– The Housemaid by Freida McFadden*
– The Housemaid’s Secret by Freida McFadden
– Love Medicine by Louise Erdrich
– Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
– All My Rage by Sabaa Tahir*
– The Housemaid Is Watching by Freida McFadden
– Pineapple Street by Jenny Jackson
– The Bangalore Detectives Club by Harini Nagendra
– Wicked by Gregory Maguire
– A Man of Two Faces by Viet Thanh Nguyen*
– The Rachel Incident by Caroline O’Donoghue*
– Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar*
– Yellowface by RF Kuang
– Sex: How Cannabis, CBD, and Other Plant Allies Can Improve Your Everyday Life by Merry Jane
– The Message by Ta-Nehisi Coates
– Nightcrawling by Leila Mottley
– Rosewater by Liv Little
– Great Big Beautiful Life by Emily Henry
– Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami
– One Golden Summer by Carley Fortune*
– White Tears/Brown Scars by Ruby Hamad*
– The Boyfriend by Freida McFadden
– Harlem Shuffle by Colson Whitehead
– I Have Some Questions for You by Rebecca Makkai
– Anita de Monte Laughs Last by Xochitl Gonzalez*
– ACE by Angela Chen
– currently reading: Childhood/Youth/Dependency by Tove Ditlevsen

instagram: @ natashasohni
podcast info: @lotsoflovepodcast on instagram, Lots of Love (with Natasha Sohni) on Spotify & Apple – linked here on my website as well
substack info: http://natashasohni.substack.com
check out my spotify playlists here

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Writer’s Block.

    

Recently, I’ve viewed writing has been a mountain range that stretches for miles, and I’ve been coasting alongside it rather than crossing over it. I haven’t even attempted to cross over it. My laptop sits closed, and I’ve had “blog post” written on my to-do list for months. The lack of writing is unusual for me, but the strangeness has lasted for far too long at this point. Not writing has almost become the norm, and I love writing! I want to write and publish books, but I am not doing anything to help myself achieve this goal. Honestly, I feel as though a rock has been weighing on my heart, a dense fog keeps wafting through my brain, and I’m just walking straight into a clear glass wall repeatedly. I have been struggling to overcome this hump, so I finally decided to write about it. I might as well take advantage of my writer’s block.

Writing is one of my most treasured passions. It fulfills me in ways that I wish I could find elsewhere and I do not know where I would be without it. I love writing so much, but I rarely give myself time to do it. Yes, balancing a full-time job, personal health & wellbeing, a social life, family, career advancement, world events, and inner turmoil is hard, but I could also improve at carving out time to do something that I cherish.
Throughout college, I was writing constantly. I felt like I could not adequately express my experiences and thoughts without putting the words on a page. I was always itching to publish a new blog post and I loved the excitement that it provided. For the past couple of years, my goal has been to publish a blog post every other week. Clearly, that has not happened and more than feelings of shame or embarrassment, I feel sad. How can I call myself a writer or venture around telling people that I have a website if I’m not publishing anything on it? I do have a lot to say, but I am struggling with how to say all of it. My emotions have only grown more complex as adulthood and this world have become more complex, and being a perfectionist does not help these matters. I feel as though I’m racing against a societal clock, myself, and the twenty four hours in a day.

Due to these feelings of overwhelm, I’ve spent a lot of time embracing and inhaling the winter air this year. I love cold weather, but I truly have been using the colder temperatures to sort of shock myself into believing that my life is worth cultivating. I think that this has helped and I yearn to foster my passions once again.

I’ve seen it a few times before, but I was watching Set It Up last night, and I perked up at the scene during which Harper is complaining to Becca about her writer’s block, and Becca tells her to get it together (she hits her with a pillow) and write something regardless of its quality. Enough space exists for everyone and every piece of work, and “bad” writing is still necessary writing. As someone who centers human rights and social justice in everything she does and is uncomfortably vocal, I have an immense fear of my words being picked apart by keyboard warriors (as they have many times in the past). I overthink every word I write as I know that each one will be criticized by random people I do not know (or worse – people I do know), but I need to remember that someone will always be upset and it’s okay for me to create things that upset people. I cannot move an audience or enact change if I do not disrupt as well. I cannot be successful or create meaningful work if I run away from criticism.

Creating something is better than creating nothing at all. The time has arrived for me to push this rock off of my heart, clear my mind, and shatter the glass that is pushing against me. In his most recent book, The Message, Ta-Nehisi Coates mentions how his words reach places that he has not even visited and people whom he has not even met. He discusses the necessity of writing and how it can change the way people think or move through their lives.

“It may seem strange that a fight that began in the streets has now moved to the library, that a counter-revolution in defense of brutal policing has now transformed itself into a war over scholarship and art.” – Ta-Nehisi Coates, The Message (in reference to the murder of George Floyd & the attacks on critical race theory being taught in schools)

My writing is important. I can and should write about anything and everything. I am exhausting myself by conjuring up baseless excuses and being in my own way. The resources are, literally, at my fingertips and I need to use them. To grow as a writer, I need to write. To grow an audience, I need to write. To feel fulfilled, I need to write.

I am holding myself accountable. Prepare to be sick of me!

find me here
– instagram: @natashasohni
– podcast: Lots of Love (on Spotify, Apple, and other streaming platforms), @lotsoflovepodcast on instagram
– I made a Substack!!! natashasohni.substack.com

Taking.

   

they take and they take and they take
until you have fallen so far
until the hole is too deep
and you would rather plunge further instead of climbing out of it

your back is a constant battleground for the stones that they are throwing at one another
and the bruising is normalized

they curve the sides of your mouth upward at the thought of death
and you picture yourself running until you find it

they take and they take and they take
until they are here and you are not

your demons have consumed you
and left you so empty
you might as well be dead

21st Birthday Reflection.

              

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and do not reflect those of the organizations, representatives, or folks mentioned in this post. Additionally, I am aware of my privilege and thankful for the opportunities I have had. This post is going to be long, but please read all of it.

Wow. I keep thinking about the words that are about to flow into this post and I feel so much pain. I am choosing to be candid because how do I, or any of you reading this, benefit from this post if I am not? I probably will not sugarcoat too much. This is hard for me to write.

I feel as though I share a lot on my blog, and even more in real life, and I’ve only grown to be more open and vulnerable within the past year. Every time I post something, I’m completely terrified. Every time I share a piece of myself with someone, I’m completely terrified. So many of my friends ask me how I do it. Honestly, I do not know if I have the “right” answer in terms of how to practice vulnerability. I think a lot of this is just who I am and my personality, but my thought process has always centered around reminding myself, often, that I will never regret being vulnerable. I can never be blamed for withholding how I feel.

Every year, on my birthday, I go on a sunrise run. I do this to show myself that even though sunsets exist, sunrises do too. Additionally, joy exists in looking forward to a beautiful view.

Much of this past year has been beautiful. I held leadership positions at my university and worked on meaningful initiatives. In the past, I had always dreamed of speaking at a rally because I saw so many of my role models within the political field do the same. I accomplished this goal and spoke at a Planned Parenthood Get Out the Vote rally last fall alongside a good friend and amazing advocate, US Senator Tina Smith, former Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards, Lieutenant Governor Peggy Flanagan, US Senator Catherine Cortez Masto, and at-large Minneapolis School Board Member Kimberly Caprini. Events like these pave the way for women in politics, and I am honored to be a part of this movement.

During election season, our team increased voter turnout in student precincts by over one hundred percent. We worked to have so many progressive candidates elected and while these times may be daunting politically, I think we can all acknowledge that they are exciting as well. I had an amazing experience last November and spoke on a BBC international radio show, and I still cannot believe that this happened. A mentor of mine once told me that importance exists in just buckling down and doing good work. If you do good work, regardless of where you are, people will notice and honor it.

This summer, I had the opportunity to intern at Tina Smith’s Senate office. The work environment was fun and I had a lot of interesting conversations with my fellow interns. We all got along super well, and I think, being in an office where the work, at times, can be mundane (scanning documents, answering constituent calls, writing letters), having great people alongside oneself is essential. I had a cool boss and us interns were paired with staffers based on our interests, so I was paired with the Diversity & Inclusion Outreach staffer and Healthcare & Aging Outreach staffer. Both of them are incredible women and I learned lots just by having conversations with them. I was able to partake in meetings and visit fascinating places such as the Federal Reserve. I learned a lot about what the work is like in a senate office as well as a lot about myself.

Over the past year, I have been fortunate to travel a fair amount. Last fall, I attended a national student government conference in New Orleans, and I could say a lot about the experiences I had there, but I think I will just say that it was interesting for sure. We were there over the weekend of Brett Kavanaugh’s unfortunate and scary, in my opinion, confirmation to the Supreme Court, and I heard some discouraging viewpoints regarding the matter. I am not sure how I managed to accomplish this given my packed schedule (take a look at my Google calendar), but I was able to fly to London for a weekend in April with my mom. To be honest, I thrived. I lived. I know that not everyone can afford to travel like this and I am so blessed to have a mother who would think of me when booking trips like this, but I needed it. I needed to clear my head and escape from the environment that was breaking me. I feel as though this trip also contributed positively to the relationship I have with my mom. I think that we have become closer throughout my time in college, but we became that even closer over this trip as well. I admire her so much.

I recently visited my family in India. We travel there every couple of years, and I enjoyed seeing my family. At the same time, I struggled quite a bit because I am constantly on the go, but I spent a lot of time sitting with my own thoughts while I was there. I felt anxious because my thoughts consumed me, and while I had fulfilling conversations with family members and read a couple books, I like to be moving. I really hope some of my family members in India visit us here at some point soon because I would love to show them a little bit of my world as well. Easy and comfortable living is not common in India. If you’re reading this, I urge you to visit the country at some point in your life because while it is beautiful, everyday life is not anything like how it is here in the United States. I am reminded of this every time I visit, and I am glad that I am. If you’d love to discuss India’s social and political climate with me sometime, let me know and we can grab coffee or take a walk.

This next part is going to be tough to write. As many know, I was in a long-term relationship that ended in February. I felt as though my soul had been sucked out of me and I had been shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. I still feel so much pain just from remembering the pain that this Natasha was feeling. Out of respect for him, I will not be sharing specific details, but we had gotten back together after breaking up once in May 2018, and I do not think either of us had healed from that previous breakup when we decided to do so. He is not toxic, but the relationship was. I can say that I deserve better, but I do not mean that I deserve a better person; I just deserve better treatment. I spent more time crying than I did smiling when I was with him. I would miss him when he was lying right next to me. I know that I showered him with as much love as I could muster, but if I have learned anything over time, it is that love is not enough to make a relationship work. I threw love at every problem, but the problems were never resolved. I just broke a little bit more with every single one. I will always have love for him, but I deserve someone who will respect not only me, but my love and my time. As Lewis Capaldi sings in Bruises, “it’s your love I’m lost in, and I’m tired of being so exhausted.” He struggled to treat me well and he admitted that he did. He did not have it in him because he did not love himself and was not secure in his life here, and how you treat others is often reflected in how you treat yourself.

I have noticed that my mental health is infinitely worse over breaks. My depression and anxiety were much worse over the winter, spring, and summer breaks. Winter break was especially troubling because I had moved out of my apartment due to a tough roommate situation and I spent most of it in Rochester. I love spending time with my family, but I do not like residing in a town that has not grown with me. I started 2019 and spring semester on a sad note, was trying to mend a broken relationship, and I actually lost an incredible amount of weight on top of already facing eating disorder (I have gained most of it back). My anxiety and depression were so horrible that, even as a high-functioning person, I started missing classes (I did alright academically despite this) and was too sad or anxious to make food and eat it. I still struggle with eating disorder, but I do my best to work through it. I have an immense amount of cysts on my scalp due to stress, most likely, and had a few of them removed at the beginning of the semester. The surgery was kind of horrible and this did not help my anxiety.

I started consistently attending therapy during this time, and I am glad that I am now taking steps to better my mental health. Growth is not linear, and I still struggle, but after my breakup, I felt lighter. I am more outspoken, and I love and appreciate my existence. I pay so much attention to where I place my energy. I have always had high emotional intelligence, but I am more forward about verbalizing how I feel, and have done so especially in the romantic experiences I have had since my relationship. All good things take time, and I continue to put myself out there and share my heart because I know that the relationships I have with other people are formative for my personality type. I am who I am because of others. I can be hurt a million times, but I will never close myself off to new experiences, or love, or the risk of heartache. If I know that I have given something or someone all that I can, I do not need to blame myself for whatever happens next. Building walls is the easy option, but relationships, dating, and loving in general is hard. The easy option will not work in the long run. My friends and family have told me in the past to stop investing so much into others because I am hurt so often, but why should I change myself because of how others treat me? I am going to be exactly who I am, and I would want the men I date, and especially whoever my life partner is, to value this. We will see what happens in the coming days.

For some reason, I was unable to cry for about four months over this past year. I might have cried so much before then that I did not have any tears left, but I often had the urge to cry because I am such an emotional person and could not bring myself to do it. Luckily, this has been resolved and I have cried a fair amount recently. Crying can be therapeutic and I do not think that anyone should ever be afraid to shed a few tears. I have realized that driving, running, singing, and yoga are also very therapeutic for me, and I know that I mentioned this months ago on my blog, but I might invest in a yoga membership. I would like to have a more consistent practice.

On a spiritual and religious note, as I grow older, I question religion more and more. I have always had an existential mind, but religion, frankly, makes me angry. I respect the concept of religion because I think having faith in oneself and the future is important, but in my opinion, it is socially constructed and this should be recognized just the same. I find so much frustration in the fact that religion causes so much hate in this world. We have folks dying at the hands of it coupled with other concepts such as power. While I like to believe in a greater being and do pray occasionally (always thanking, never asking), I think a lot of folks are hypocritical when it comes to practicing their respective religions (based on what they preach). I am Hindu by birth, and do celebrate the cultural holidays we have when possible, but I am careful about letting it guide me or believing in it so much that I lose myself to it. I would rather decide my own morals and values, and follow them “religiously” (nice word play there, Nat) if that makes sense.

In other news, I decided to finally have my ears pierced this past year and now have double piercings. I really like it. Last year, at this time, I had sixty (60) Spotify followers. I now have two hundred and seventeen (217)!!! I appreciate the support and if you do not follow me on Spotify, I recommend that you do. I saw Aminé and 6LACK in concert and saw Rupi Kaur speak last fall, and I really needed to hear a lot of what she said. I am now the President of the College of Liberal Arts Student Board as well as the Coalition for Progressive Change, and I am a Research Assistant at the Minnesota Population Center on the IPUMS-DHS project. I am also on the University of Minnesota Homecoming Royalty court, and the other royals are awesome. I have a few concerts scheduled in the coming months as well including Pink Sweat$, Lewis Capaldi, and my favorite band of all time (FBOAT, if you will) Bon Iver. I will be seeing Bon Iver in North Carolina and my mother is attending the concert with me. I cannot wait. My travel bug bite is large, so I have some other trips in the works too. I have really fun roommates and, given that I do, I know that I will have a really fun senior year of college.

I have grappled a bit with imposter syndrome over the past year (and my entire life), and I think my accomplishments and the leadership positions I have acquired have contributed to this. I know that I work hard, but I am well aware of my privileges and I often question whether I am really qualified in that regard. I feel as though I am floating and drowning and internally screaming all at once. I do not think most folks understand what it is like to be inside of my head, but my mind overwhelms me.

I think a few folks deserve to be mentioned in this post. I would like to thank my mother, father, and brother for every family lunch, hug, and gossip session. We may have the occasional disagreement, but they always tell me that they are proud of me and this means the world. Many do not have intact family units and I will never take mine for granted. Family, when you’re reading this, I love you and appreciate you. I (literally and figuratively) would not be here without all of you. My successes do not mean much without acknowledging the ladder you built for me.

I do not know how I would have gotten through this year without my best friend and future maid of honor, Harmanpreet. She has wiped my tears too many times to count and she knows exactly what I need to hear. I am probably too protective of her, but she deserves all of the success and happiness in the world, and I will do everything I can to contribute to this.

I have set a few goals. I plan on running a marathon before I am thirty, desire to improve my posture, and I *will* have a job upon graduation in May. I am looking to work for a non-profit, or some government or politically related department for a couple years before attending graduate school for a Master’s degree in Public Policy/Global Health Policy. Additionally, I have the dream of working for Spotify, so if the opportunity arises, that’d be cool.

The world can be scary personally, professionally, domestically, and globally. I am terrified. I do not like uncertainty. I do not like feeling alone or feeling lost. I am terrified, but music exists. Sunrises exist. Love exists. Google Calendar exists. While I bask in my uncertainty and existential crises, I am going to be proactive. I am going to blast my favorite songs, fall in love with myself and those around me, stay organized, and simply just live. My heart is often enveloped in pain, but pain is how one grows. I know that energy is contagious, and I will always do my best to exude it positively.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure we call life over the past year and for reading this post. I am blessed to be here. We all are. If you’ll excuse me, I am going to drink a glass of rosé as I am now twenty one.

The Test of Time.

      

I often describe myself as someone who thinks with her heart. This rings true in every situation, but is especially true in romantic instances. Feelings and emotions always mean more to me than logistics. It is in my nature to do so and I do not try, or desire, to fight it. Given recent events, I have been pushed to evaluate more on why I do this, and I have arrived at a few interesting reasons.

Emotions inform my choices because this is what I saw in my own home. My parents are about to celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary. I am fortunate enough to have a prime example of true love right in front of me. They have not actually been in the same location to celebrate most of their anniversaries together, and this year will not be any different. Almost immediately after their wedding, they were apart for quite a while as they were pursuing their respective degrees and careers. My father has had to travel and reside in other places consistently for work since I was in first grade. For half of their marriage, they have not been able to come home to each other every day, or even for weeks at a time, but the love they have for each other is just as strong. My brother and I have been able to grow and learn from them, we have been able to visit so many countries and relatives as a family, and our group chat is occasionally riveting. At the same time, the house has felt lonelier without my dad’s presence, my mom was tasked with driving my brother and I to our various activities until I received my license, and pictures or videos of important events do not equate to being with one another in person. As I enter my senior year of college, I have not felt these effects as much over the past few years, but I still remember feeling frustrated when I was younger.

As I stated previously, I am so thankful, throughout all of this, to have an intact family unit nonetheless. Having parents who constantly fight for each other against logistics had a large impact on me as an impressionable youth. They married each other within a year of meeting. My mother proposed to my father. When I asked them how long it took them to know that their connection is unique, they said that they knew almost immediately.

I feel as though, even if you do not instantly think of marriage, you can quickly realize whether you see potential with someone. I know myself well enough to know what I need in terms of emotional depth and connection, and even if a million barriers are placed in front of us, I am always ready to break them.

I am unsure as to why I am so willing to fight for love and persist, but the intersection of personality and genetics probably has something to do with it. My father and I have similar temperaments, and he is quick to act on his emotions. My mother is detail-oriented, and even the smallest moments can have immense impacts. Both of my parents dislike taking “no” for an answer, and say yes to almost everything asked of them.

When he asks me to think logically while working through the challenges our relationship faces, I find difficulty in removing my feelings and emotions from the process of doing so. It is frustrating, but I cannot help it. What I can do, though, is acknowledge and explain why I think the way I do, and be mindful of this when navigating the twists and turns of dating, relationships, romance, or anything really. I understand that how we feel about each other has to take a backseat to other life events sometimes, and this is where the test of time plays a role. If our connection is still just as strong throughout and after the growing, experiences, and barriers we have presented in front of us, we will know.

My parents stood the test of time and I am here because of it. I fight for love because of it. I let myself fall and invest myself into others because of it, and I am proud to do so. Patience takes strength, and it is tough (as I stated in my last blog post, our story would not be worth it if it were easy), but only time can tell if something is meant to be.

Put Us in a Box.

   

my feelings and your feelings cannot be placed into boxes
as though they are one dimensional, easily understood, cut and dry

you cannot ask me to evaluate how I feel, or how you make me feel, by simply saying “yes” or “no” 

if we could describe our relationship with one word, I would not be wishing for happily ever afters 

if our story were that easy to pursue, it would not be worth it 

Brave Face.

    

hazel eyes with flecks of green
clouded with tears
and your heart wades within them

he always asks you how you are feeling
but you have difficulty articulating how he makes you feel
and even though this is not what he means when he asks you this question
the way he makes you feel erodes everything else

your heart crumbles when he is holding you
but it shatters at the thought of him leaving
he is going to be an ocean away
and he is going to be on your mind
simultaneously

what is meant to be will be they say
you tell yourself to have faith

you push yourself to wear a brave face
but you really just want to lay your head on his chest
hear his heart beating
and tell him to stay

Home.

      

You look into a sea of blue and you see an entire world. You see your future. You see a red house with mahogany wood and a wrap around porch, a smiling baby with a soft, tan complexion, and anniversary dinners.

You see your head resting on his shoulder as you travel to Italy or Thailand or India, and kissing him at sunset in front of the Taj Mahal. You see arguments in the kitchen resolved with warm cuddles, and even warmer words, shared by the fireplace while listening to your collaborative Spotify playlists.

You see your phone calls that last hours and hours while you are oceans away from one another and you see him coaching your son’s soccer team. You see a labradoodle and a tabby cat, concerts played by artists who have been able to put your love into words, countless pizza orders, and family outings to football games.

You see yourself sobbing in his arms, pushing each other to challenge yourselves in your careers, and lighting candles created from a scent that you’ll always love.

You look into a sea of blue and feel lost. You see dilated pupils, you find yourself softly kissing his cheek, you hear the final “I love you,” and then you’re looking at a closed door. Your soul had found a home, a community, a safe space. If you think about it, most people do not live in the same house forever. More than one sea exists, and a new one is always waiting to engulf you. You will find your home. You just have to let yourself move.

You Have Yourself.

        

Do you remember when you were a child and all you wanted to do was just be you? Your outlook on life and its meaning was simple. Loving yourself was a given and effort was not required to do so.

I find myself constantly working to be a better version of myself, but who even is she? Why can I not be whomever I want to be? Over winter break, my friend asked me a simple question. “Are you happy?” I thought about it for a little bit and realized that, although it is a “yes” or “no” question, I could not answer it with one word. Instead, I said that I feel as though I am always working toward being happy, but I never reach it. As we grow older, our happiness stems from becoming something, from working toward our ideal lives, from being surrounded by ideal people.

What are we trying to become though? Who I am, right at this moment, is enough because regardless of the successes I have, the titles I have, the degrees I have, the people I have, I will always be Natasha. I will always have to be comfortable with being myself and having myself. I cannot escape that and I should not want to escape it.

About 1.5 months ago, I was sitting across from a friend at a coffee shop, and I told him that I feel as though I do not have anyone and he said something that has stuck with me throughout this time. “You have yourself.” This is a concept that is so simple, but I (and I feel as though most others) often forget.

As an extrovert, I struggle with being alone. I love people and I invest so much of myself into others. I invest so much of my soul into others. I do not mind doing so, but difficulty exists in not losing myself in the process. During moments in which being alone is especially hard for me, I remind myself that I have myself. It is liberating. I feel so happy when I think about this. The one person who has always understood me is me, and I should appreciate myself more.

I was watching a YouTube video the other day, and this YouTuber was reflecting on her life the day before her wedding day. She played a clip from a home video of her childhood, and in it, her dad asks her five year old self what she would tell herself if she were watching the video at a later point in her life. She said, “I love you.”

I think little Natasha would be proud of where I am now. I am proud of who I am and where I am. I feel so much pain when I think of the people who do not appreciate my worth or what I have to offer, but I know that others do, and even if they did not, I do. That is all that matters.

So many complexities exist, but being happy with yourself should not fall into that category. It is simple. You are not you if you are constantly trying to be something more or better. Trust yourself enough to lead you in the right direction. You have the power to remind yourself of who you are and your successes will not mean anything to you if you lose yourself in the process.

Natasha, you have yourself. Your career will fall into place, the people in your life will fall into place, and you’ll fall into place. Ultimately, the one thing you’ll always be able to give yourself is love. Sounds like a pretty great deal.