Some Thoughts, Questions, and Observations.

Many random items have crossed my mind over the past week, so I might as well record them.

I am not a fan of the summertime.

Even though I am not Christian, I feel as though I am at least aware of and have been exposed (both by choice and not by choice) to the basic aspects of Christianity while my Christian friends do not know anything about Hinduism or any other religion to that extent. I am not really religious, so this does not upset me or offend me personally, but it concerns me on a societal level. I have a lot of thoughts on religion / beliefs / spirituality / etc. and I will probably write a blog post about these areas at some point.

How will he know if anything happens to me? Should he know? Does he care about me anymore? Has he forgotten about me? Is he alright? I am not. I miss him and I am not sure I know what to do about it because, honestly, I cannot do anything about it.

One can only trust oneself. People may have good intentions, but no one knows one better than oneself. People can try their bests to make someone feel better, but the sad truth is while appreciated, their efforts will make the smallest dent in filling the void this person feels.

What saddens me most is the one person who can understand my current experience best is the one to whom I cannot speak.

Unfortunately, I relate too much to the song Better Now by Post Malone. The song is great, but I’m sure one would understand why I relate to it if she listens closely to the lyrics (especially from the verses). I relate too much to Mercy by Lewis Capaldi and Burning Bridges by Bea Miller as well.

Waking up naturally to the sun streaming into one’s room is a beautiful thing and I will forever treasure moments such as these.

The Twin Cities have seen quite a bit of rain recently.

A “rainy day” playlist is not a good or qualified “rainy day” playlist if it does not contain Bon Iver.

A Gopher football game is on a Friday this year and I am not sure how I feel about it.

My favorite activity to do with my family is gossiping.

Trump and Kim Jong Un shook hands for an uncomfortably long time.

I have seen a lot of elephant cruelty in the news recently and I will never understand why humans feel so entitled to animals’ lives (and other human lives).

The Minnesotan political world has become more interesting over the past week. I am excited for what is to come.

I have too much trouble sleeping.

I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of self love. That being said, I do not think it is wrong to enjoy loving someone else and experience romance.

Love is not dead.

Child deaths by lead poisoning have decreased significantly in Minnesota since the 1990s.

Netflix keeps removing every show and movie actually worth watching.

Inconveniently, free therapy appointments are not actually free.

I have become too comfortable with crying in public. Additionally, what exhausts me most is awaking to tears streaming down my face. Hopefully this does not continue for too much longer.

The only time I can escape my mind is when I am sleeping, but this makes waking up an extremely unpleasant experience (as one can determine from my previous statements).

A happy relationship does not equate to a healthy relationship, but this does not mean an an unhealthy relationship will always be unhealthy.

Although I am so grateful and have been fortunate enough to travel internationally many times, international flights (and airplanes and airports in general) make me nervous.

Mean people will always exist. Nice people will always exist too.

Rumors establishing Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra’s relationship have been circulating and while I am not a fan of the idea, I will always side with love and I wish them the best.

Gucci slides are priced around three hundred dollars, but so many people buy them.

I am too proud of my Spotify playlists, but I also think I am rightfully so. I will plug them for the rest of my life.

The blueberries I have eaten recently have not tasted as plump and juicy as usual.

I am not a fan of Microsoft Excel, but I am becoming more comfortable with it.

Being surrounded by people will always make me feel better. I guess I am an extrovert for a reason.

I am excited for school to begin even though we are in the midst of summer.

The people in my life are so beautiful and inspiring.

Learning to be okay with solitude is more difficult than it appears.

I have been feeling pretty empty, but this is okay because I do not have to feel otherwise if I truly do not feel it and faking it will not make anything better.

I know I am behind on creating my YouTube channel, but hopefully I’ll do so soon.

So many organizations are doing amazing work and I’m proud to be a part of one such organization.

When you’re eighty, what you will remember most while reflecting on your life are the people who stood by you throughout all of your successes and failures. This is why you should never let go of those who care about you even when things are difficult. Imagine this person standing beside you years down the road. Do not let go of that.

Money has too large of an influence on us.

I rewatched my favorite Gossip Girl episode (Season 1, Episode 13) the other day and I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the show (and life). “People don’t tell you who you are. You tell them.”

When You’ve Lost Faith.

Humans tend to make situations more complex than they need to be as the world continues to advance. These situations range from relationships to work to world issues, and while all are important, we seem to find fascination in creating more stress for ourselves.

Due to this, times exist in which we lose hope and feel as though we cannot discover it again. Those around us are affected by how discouraged we are and while it is easy to state that quitting is not an option, acting upon this is more difficult. We struggle to have faith when it seems as though our lives are consumed by fighting, crying, hurting, overworking, and much more.

In times of hardship, stress, and hurt, I urge you to reflect on why you feel negatively. One may discover that this loss of faith has occurred because of precisely the opposite. We feel discouraged because we care and we are passionate about the situations that affect us so greatly. We argue with those we love because we care about them. We say yes to more responsibility in our places of work because we care about what we produce. We vote, debate, protest, and educate because we care about the world in which we live.

Machiavelli states that the best way to prevent threat when leading a republic is to keep the people of the city close to their origins. Remembering why one is engaging in a situation (in Machiavelli’s case, leading and being led for a better and more productive society) is beneficial in having the energy to keep going. Likewise, regardless of context, a loss of faith occurs when we lose sight of the reasons why we began. The best way to tackle an issue is to return to its roots.

You chose your relationship because of the love you have for one another. You spent days studying and making connections because you could picture yourself in that profession. You organize groups and speak on issues because you want to be represented well.

During days in which you can only see pain, remember why you chose to involve yourself originally. Whether this stems from the love you share with someone else, your passion for your profession, or your desire to live in a world removed from hate, this reason alone means so much more than a momentary loss of faith. When you struggle to find hope, keep in mind that those around you are willing to help. We all have experienced tough periods and these may seem never-ending in the moment, but we can move past them. The best part in doing so is not forgetting what matters most.

If you feel lost, turn to whom or what is contributing to this feeling and work toward a better one. If you love her, tell her. If you’re not satisfied with the work being done, say so and fix the process. If you desire to make an impact, build a team to enact change regardless of the pushback you face. You are stronger than you think you are and so are those around you. Instead of letting go of something about which you care so deeply, ground yourself once again and gather hope. Move forward together and with love.


Falling In Love Will Break Your Heart.

“Please don’t give up on me.”

“Don’t let go.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“I promise.”

“This is hard.”

“I feel as though I can’t connect with you when you do this.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m afraid.”

“I see a future with you.”

“I don’t know where I would be without you.”

“I feel as though I’ve known you forever.”

“I need you.”

“I miss you.”

“I love you.”

Relationships (of the romantic kind).

Relationships are difficult. One is suddenly thrown into a world of dependency, balance, constant accountability, vulnerability, compromise, trust, and everything else that lies within these concepts. She cannot prepare for this world and this adds an immense amount of pressure. Before I analyze relationships further, I’d like to examine my own as I think doing so will help those reading this blog post (and more importantly, myself).

My relationship gives me so much joy. Even typing that sentence touched my heart. I finally feel as though someone cares about me just as much as I care about him. I feel valued and respected. We focus on communication and as we all have most likely heard multiple times throughout our lives, communication is key. I am so glad I somehow stumbled upon the perfect relationship and the perfect person. We push each other in positive directions and I could not ask for anything better.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been facing some personal issues (mainly health related) and while they may be minor, they have been able to penetrate my mind negatively, causing me to be in a bit of a sour mood. I recognize that my spirits are not high and I do not necessarily feel like myself, but I do have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have reflected my unfortunate attitude in the way I’ve acted toward my boyfriend and this has caused unnecessary strains. The little fights I’ve picked, for the most part, do not contribute to our individual growths or the growth of our relationship. While the issues I am facing will hopefully disappear soon, I feel, in the simplest terms, just plain sad. I do not like the way I’ve been acting toward my boyfriend and even though he is probably one of the most understanding individuals I’ve ever met, knowing that I’ve hurt him breaks my heart. He does not deserve to be hurt. He has always done so much for me and continues to venture above and beyond to show me how much he cares.

I have no reason to distrust him. I have no reason to be annoyed with him (usually). I have no reason to fear him hurting me.

Why, then, do I create problems?

A few conceivable answers exist. In the past, I have given so much to my relationships and have received little in return. I’ve been heartbroken. I’m a careful person, so I am, most likely, subconsciously ensuring that I will not feel the pain and disappointment I’ve felt in the past ever again. Additionally, as my relationship came to fruition recently, we have not spent a ton of time apart. These past few weeks have been encompassed by lots of “I miss you”s, “I can’t wait to see you”s, FaceTime calls, never-ending text messages, and more than a few tears. We are both slowly becoming accustomed to how our lives, without seeing one another physically, would look. Distance is necessary to experience in every relationship and I know we’re both more than capable enough to handle it, but cold nights and interesting / funny / awesome memories made sans each other make it more difficult just the same.

The over-arching answer, though, is a bit more personal. As I stated above, these past few weeks have been extremely difficult and not necessarily fun for me. Granted, things could be a lot worse and I’m forever grateful to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, but some of the issues I am facing are just short of unbearable. I know my boyfriend cares quite a bit and simply desires to help, but I also know he literally cannot solve any of these problems and this frustrates me a great deal. Over two years have passed since I last felt this vulnerable and I am having trouble accepting his love and support due to this time lapse. I value my independence and do not want to look to him every time I find myself in a tough situation, but I must also recognize that having his support and depending on him for my happiness do not need to go hand in hand. I was extremely dependent in my past relationships and I have worked quite hard to reach a point in which I am finally confident in my own abilities to make myself happy. I have a fear of relapsing into this dependency, but this fear is irrational. I hope I can work to move past these insecurities and this fear alongside my attempt to overcome the past few weeks and the issues that arose within them.

I often feel frustration and sorrow due to my ongoing struggles with mental health. I tend to express these feelings when interacting with those I treasure most and my boyfriend has most definitely been bearing the brunt of this recently. I wish he understood this (and I do not always express my desperation for him to understand in the kindest way), but I do not blame him for not understanding. Unless one faces something similar personally, she will have trouble grasping this. I appreciate how he accepts me despite this very demanding and, often, inconvenient baggage and I must learn to cope in a healthier way.

Relationships are difficult, but they are also beautiful. Couples who work through the hardest times are the ones who make memories filled with an immense depth, and these memories only draw the two individuals closer together. I look forward to working through these difficulties with my boyfriend because I know he would do the same. We will keep communicating, supporting, and loving one another through every rainy day and every sunny sky. My heart is telling me to open my doors for him and have faith in him, and while I am definitely one to need more tangible answers, I must learn to be happy with this. If my relationship gives me joy, worry shall have no place in taking it away from me.

Knowing Her Worth.

She had loved him for ten years. He lived so close; this small proximity made her yearn to see him every day. Her heart kept prompting her to tell him those three words we all wish to hear, but do not desire to misuse. Her mind influenced her heart with logic.

“If he loved me, he would have told me…right?” “I’m tired of exposing my vulnerable tendencies to those who do not seem to care.”

These ten years pass and she explores options with others while he haunts her mind. She meets new friends when she begins her adventure in higher education and she describes him to these folks with excitement in her eyes, but a looming sorrow lingered just the same.

“He’s so charming! He’s so handsome! You should tell him how you feel.” “I shouldn’t have to tell him…”

Months later, she decides to take a risk. She does what many of us would never have the confidence to do. Her heart is pounding and her head feels light. Regardless of how she is feeling internally, she walks toward him on a bright summer day with an air of confidence.

“I love you.” “I have always felt the same way about you.”

Did she truly just hear these words? If one were to glance at her during this exact moment, she would see a girl who looked as though she had never shed a tear. Her smile is unimaginably wide.

The two lovebirds make plans. He promises to see her.

He never shows. Disappointment floods her body to the bone, but she also makes no effort to ask him why he didn’t. After ten years, she felt as though he did not deserve even this much.

He calls. He apologizes and promises her a visit.

He doesn’t show once again. She heads back to University and does her best to forget this unfortunate story. He calls, but she does not answer. He leaves messages, but she does not reply.

“Why? Why not give him another chance? You love him.”

“I told him I love him. He did the same. If this is the most he can do after ten years of waiting, I desire no part in this story. While I am hurt, I am not going to accept even more of this tragic feeling from him. My time is better spent on myself and those who recognize my value. He had me. He lost me.”

One of Many Possible Responses to Men Who Are Egotistical Jerks.

(Some sentences may have been removed or slightly altered to maintain privacy. I think the core messages of this response are applicable to many situations which, in addition to privacy, is why I am not providing further context.)
1. Let me preface this by saying that my life does not revolve around you, regardless of however this may seem to you. I think it’s quite a bit of a stretch to say that everything I do and say signals to you that I like you. Additionally, I do not constantly want to be around you (or anyone else) and even if we were dating this would be the case because that’s just unhealthy. You know very, very well how I am as a person in terms of chattiness and the care I have for others. In light of not only defending myself because I don’t think I need to defend myself, I enjoy talking to you about the multitude of things we discuss because I look for depth when I converse with others and I find that, among other things, with you (which I think is a good thing). I think this is special. I appreciate how we can discuss, literally, any topic and I value that connection highly especially since, as you’ve claimed yourself, you’re not nearly as talkative as I am (which also contributes to how close we are and I don’t mean that purely from a relationship standpoint, but also even from a friendship standpoint).
As outgoing as I can be, I have, of course, been more so with you and I stand by my feelings in that regard, but I also do not think my feelings are unprecedented because of the depth and connection we have as I mentioned above. I also feel safe with you and again I really value that.
2. I agree that the difficulty to feel pure happiness is daunting as I question my own on a daily basis. I think half the battle is recognizing this, but you cannot allow this to hold you back from experiences as well. Relationships can only be harmful if you actively try to search for the happiness you’ve lost to depression and anxiety in that person and your relationship, but if you have the mentality in which you must discover this happiness intrinsically, which you’re more than intelligent enough to realize, you’ll be fine.
I think that if you’re seeing the right person, your growth can exceed your expectations and the right person will push you to pursue your own path as she is pursuing hers. You can grow together in that sense. I’m sure you can name many people who have impacted your life. Sometimes finding yourself is done in searching and learning about someone else. I’ve realized an incredible amount and have had many revelations from being single, but I also have had just as many from my past relationships.