Author; Natasha Sohni

aspiring writer

Vegetarian.

   

Over one year ago, I chose to become a vegetarian. My experience thus far has been interesting, challenging, and wonderful.

I chose to become a vegetarian for a few reasons. My mother is vegetarian, but my dad eats lots of meat. Over the years, I began to lower my consumption of meat (not that I ate an overwhelming amount of it) and we rarely had meat at home. I’ve always felt senses of guilt and hypocrisy when eating meat, and I decided that testing my morals wasn’t worth including meat in my diet.

Additionally, due to my unfortunate struggle with body image and weight, I believed that becoming a vegetarian would be better for my health and would make me feel lighter.

I am happy with my decision. I do feel lighter and healthier. I pay more attention to how I am fueling my body and this leads me to make better choices. Since I did not eat much meat anyway, the transition was fairly smooth.

At the same time, this change has definitely not been easy. My bones are generally weaker. I exercise quite a bit (I don’t consume enough calories for how many I burn on a daily basis) and I do not receive enough protein, calcium, and iron to supplement my rigorous routine. Last summer, I was diagnosed with a stress fracture in my pelvic bone for precisely this reason. I was not able to exercise for two months and this was unpleasant.

I occasionally miss certain meals that contain meat, but this does not happen often. I remind myself of the benefits and how they outweigh the costs.

When I became a vegetarian, I didn’t know if I was going to maintain this diet for the rest of my life or if I was just going to try it for a certain amount of time. I still don’t know the answer to this predicament, but I do know that being vegetarian has mostly changed my life for the better.

Falling In Love Will Break Your Heart.

   

“Please don’t give up on me.”

“Don’t let go.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“I promise.”

“This is hard.”

“I feel as though I can’t connect with you when you do this.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m afraid.”

“I see a future with you.”

“I don’t know where I would be without you.”

“I feel as though I’ve known you forever.”

“I need you.”

“I miss you.”

“I love you.”

Relationships (of the romantic kind).

     

Relationships are difficult. One is suddenly thrown into a world of dependency, balance, constant accountability, vulnerability, compromise, trust, and everything else that lies within these concepts. She cannot prepare for this world and this adds an immense amount of pressure. Before I analyze relationships further, I’d like to examine my own as I think doing so will help those reading this blog post (and more importantly, myself).

My relationship gives me so much joy. Even typing that sentence touched my heart. I finally feel as though someone cares about me just as much as I care about him. I feel valued and respected. We focus on communication and as we all have most likely heard multiple times throughout our lives, communication is key. I am so glad I somehow stumbled upon the perfect relationship and the perfect person. We push each other in positive directions and I could not ask for anything better.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been facing some personal issues (mainly health related) and while they may be minor, they have been able to penetrate my mind negatively, causing me to be in a bit of a sour mood. I recognize that my spirits are not high and I do not necessarily feel like myself, but I do have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have reflected my unfortunate attitude in the way I’ve acted toward my boyfriend and this has caused unnecessary strains. The little fights I’ve picked, for the most part, do not contribute to our individual growths or the growth of our relationship. While the issues I am facing will hopefully disappear soon, I feel, in the simplest terms, just plain sad. I do not like the way I’ve been acting toward my boyfriend and even though he is probably one of the most understanding individuals I’ve ever met, knowing that I’ve hurt him breaks my heart. He does not deserve to be hurt. He has always done so much for me and continues to venture above and beyond to show me how much he cares.

I have no reason to distrust him. I have no reason to be annoyed with him (usually). I have no reason to fear him hurting me.

Why, then, do I create problems?

A few conceivable answers exist. In the past, I have given so much to my relationships and have received little in return. I’ve been heartbroken. I’m a careful person, so I am, most likely, subconsciously ensuring that I will not feel the pain and disappointment I’ve felt in the past ever again. Additionally, as my relationship came to fruition recently, we have not spent a ton of time apart. These past few weeks have been encompassed by lots of “I miss you”s, “I can’t wait to see you”s, FaceTime calls, never-ending text messages, and more than a few tears. We are both slowly becoming accustomed to how our lives, without seeing one another physically, would look. Distance is necessary to experience in every relationship and I know we’re both more than capable enough to handle it, but cold nights and interesting / funny / awesome memories made sans each other make it more difficult just the same.

The over-arching answer, though, is a bit more personal. As I stated above, these past few weeks have been extremely difficult and not necessarily fun for me. Granted, things could be a lot worse and I’m forever grateful to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, but some of the issues I am facing are just short of unbearable. I know my boyfriend cares quite a bit and simply desires to help, but I also know he literally cannot solve any of these problems and this frustrates me a great deal. Over two years have passed since I last felt this vulnerable and I am having trouble accepting his love and support due to this time lapse. I value my independence and do not want to look to him every time I find myself in a tough situation, but I must also recognize that having his support and depending on him for my happiness do not need to go hand in hand. I was extremely dependent in my past relationships and I have worked quite hard to reach a point in which I am finally confident in my own abilities to make myself happy. I have a fear of relapsing into this dependency, but this fear is irrational. I hope I can work to move past these insecurities and this fear alongside my attempt to overcome the past few weeks and the issues that arose within them.

I often feel frustration and sorrow due to my ongoing struggles with mental health. I tend to express these feelings when interacting with those I treasure most and my boyfriend has most definitely been bearing the brunt of this recently. I wish he understood this (and I do not always express my desperation for him to understand in the kindest way), but I do not blame him for not understanding. Unless one faces something similar personally, she will have trouble grasping this. I appreciate how he accepts me despite this very demanding and, often, inconvenient baggage and I must learn to cope in a healthier way.

Relationships are difficult, but they are also beautiful. Couples who work through the hardest times are the ones who make memories filled with an immense depth, and these memories only draw the two individuals closer together. I look forward to working through these difficulties with my boyfriend because I know he would do the same. We will keep communicating, supporting, and loving one another through every rainy day and every sunny sky. My heart is telling me to open my doors for him and have faith in him, and while I am definitely one to need more tangible answers, I must learn to be happy with this. If my relationship gives me joy, worry shall have no place in taking it away from me.

Knowing Her Worth.

     

She had loved him for ten years. He lived so close; this small proximity made her yearn to see him every day. Her heart kept prompting her to tell him those three words we all wish to hear, but do not desire to misuse. Her mind influenced her heart with logic.

“If he loved me, he would have told me…right?” “I’m tired of exposing my vulnerable tendencies to those who do not seem to care.”

These ten years pass and she explores options with others while he haunts her mind. She meets new friends when she begins her adventure in higher education and she describes him to these folks with excitement in her eyes, but a looming sorrow lingered just the same.

“He’s so charming! He’s so handsome! You should tell him how you feel.” “I shouldn’t have to tell him…”

Months later, she decides to take a risk. She does what many of us would never have the confidence to do. Her heart is pounding and her head feels light. Regardless of how she is feeling internally, she walks toward him on a bright summer day with an air of confidence.

“I love you.” “I have always felt the same way about you.”

Did she truly just hear these words? If one were to glance at her during this exact moment, she would see a girl who looked as though she had never shed a tear. Her smile is unimaginably wide.

The two lovebirds make plans. He promises to see her.

He never shows. Disappointment floods her body to the bone, but she also makes no effort to ask him why he didn’t. After ten years, she felt as though he did not deserve even this much.

He calls. He apologizes and promises her a visit.

He doesn’t show once again. She heads back to University and does her best to forget this unfortunate story. He calls, but she does not answer. He leaves messages, but she does not reply.

“Why? Why not give him another chance? You love him.”

“I told him I love him. He did the same. If this is the most he can do after ten years of waiting, I desire no part in this story. While I am hurt, I am not going to accept even more of this tragic feeling from him. My time is better spent on myself and those who recognize my value. He had me. He lost me.”

One of Many Possible Responses to Men Who Are Egotistical Jerks.

    
(Some sentences may have been removed or slightly altered to maintain privacy. I think the core messages of this response are applicable to many situations which, in addition to privacy, is why I am not providing further context.)
1. Let me preface this by saying that my life does not revolve around you, regardless of however this may seem to you. I think it’s quite a bit of a stretch to say that everything I do and say signals to you that I like you. Additionally, I do not constantly want to be around you (or anyone else) and even if we were dating this would be the case because that’s just unhealthy. You know very, very well how I am as a person in terms of chattiness and the care I have for others. In light of not only defending myself because I don’t think I need to defend myself, I enjoy talking to you about the multitude of things we discuss because I look for depth when I converse with others and I find that, among other things, with you (which I think is a good thing). I think this is special. I appreciate how we can discuss, literally, any topic and I value that connection highly especially since, as you’ve claimed yourself, you’re not nearly as talkative as I am (which also contributes to how close we are and I don’t mean that purely from a relationship standpoint, but also even from a friendship standpoint).
As outgoing as I can be, I have, of course, been more so with you and I stand by my feelings in that regard, but I also do not think my feelings are unprecedented because of the depth and connection we have as I mentioned above. I also feel safe with you and again I really value that.
2. I agree that the difficulty to feel pure happiness is daunting as I question my own on a daily basis. I think half the battle is recognizing this, but you cannot allow this to hold you back from experiences as well. Relationships can only be harmful if you actively try to search for the happiness you’ve lost to depression and anxiety in that person and your relationship, but if you have the mentality in which you must discover this happiness intrinsically, which you’re more than intelligent enough to realize, you’ll be fine.
I think that if you’re seeing the right person, your growth can exceed your expectations and the right person will push you to pursue your own path as she is pursuing hers. You can grow together in that sense. I’m sure you can name many people who have impacted your life. Sometimes finding yourself is done in searching and learning about someone else. I’ve realized an incredible amount and have had many revelations from being single, but I also have had just as many from my past relationships.

19th Birthday Reflection.

     

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Where should I begin?

When one thinks of turning nineteen, she probably doesn’t think of much. The age isn’t necessarily considered a milestone and at most sounds a tad bit more mature than eighteen. For some reason, though, I was a little more excited about my birthday this year than I usually am (I’m usually not very excited). I spent the day going to brunch with my friends and roommates, and later attended the State Fair with some of my best friends. I was also able to watch some Harry Potter.

I would say I remember birthdays quite well. I’m sure many others have a knack for this too, but I also remember to somehow personally wish each person. I think, due to this, I am always curious and excited to see who will actually take the time to wish me. In this process, I also am surprised by those who don’t wish me (and these are folks who definitely know when my birthday is). Ultimately, I feel quite guilty if I do not wish someone a Happy Birthday, but I guess I may be alone in this feeling.

I think I’ve definitely learned quite a bit about myself this past year.  I truly feel as though I have discovered what makes me “happy” and what I want from myself, my relationships, my friendships, my family, my schooling, my passions, and my career. I am more comfortable sharing my opinions as I have definitely learned lots within and outside of my schooling.

I have met so many people and have made so many wonderful friends. I know I will have the friendships I’ve made for the rest of my life. While I consider practically everyone I know a friend, I know those whom I consider my closest or best friends now will always have my best interests in mind (I will do the same).

I am now an Event Officer on my college’s Student Board and am an At-Large Representative in my University’s student government. I had an interesting internship this summer with County government and I truly felt as though my opinion was valued.

While I’m grateful for all of these positive factors, I must, of course, discuss the negatives. I would say, even during my Senior year of High School, my anxiety heightened quite a bit more than it already had. I believe I am now mainly a “Type A” personality and can be annoyingly specific about how I (and those around me) complete tasks. While this has, obviously, affected my mental health even more than it already was, I try to remind myself to remain calm within my storm of worries. I am often quite hard on myself and this is frequently reflected physically on my body (I suffer from dermatitis and cysts on my scalp due to emotional stress). All good things take time, so I will continue to do what I can to better and maintain my health.

Ultimately, I am incredibly indebted to the positive influences I have for making my life what it is currently. Many do not have the opportunity to see the age of nineteen and I can only hope that I do it justice. My youth and / or age should not have any significance in how much of a difference I make during my time here.

Self Acceptance Part One of Many.

  
negatively skin deep
the thighs the stretch marks the flat feet the nose the bags under my eyes
positively skin deep
the hair the eyebrows the eyelashes the stomach the teeth
Beauty
The Laughing The Crying The Writing The Singing
The Way I Was Raised The Way I Wasn’t
The Skin Color The Culture
The Dimple In My Right Cheek
The Likes The Dislikes
The Travels
The Swimming The Running The Dancing
The Depression The Anxiety
The Energy The Exhaustion
The Type A
The Weaknesses The Strengths
The Goals
The Friends The Family
The Fears
The Heartbreak
The Passion
The Way I Love

Love.

  

My favorite noun / verb / concept / theme / solution / ideology / choice is “love.” I was always the girl who associated true love with grace and chivalry, red roses, epic romance, moments encompassed with emotion and depth, fairytales, and joy. I looked forward to my marriage as I knew that I would never feel sorrow as long as I had my significant other. We could face mountains of challenges, but the love we have for each other would prompt us to continue climbing.

I have never been inclined to date multiple people. I would rather spend my life with one person. I still struggle to determine whether this mentality was due to the fear of heartbreak, maturity (or the lack of it), insecurities, or all three. I have never had the desire to experience more, in this sense, because I would be perfectly happy to expand my horizons with the same partner.

Do I let go of these expectations?

During the past year or so, I have realized that they may be a tad unrealistic. I haven’t had a steady boyfriend in a couple of years and while I am very open to any opportunity that comes my way, I have learned to depend on myself for the bliss for which I had always searched in someone else. I cannot support someone else without judgment or comparison if I am not confident in my independence. This concept is of vast importance. Many of my friends are incredibly dependent on their boyfriends or girlfriends and admit to being so as well. This dependency increases in the age of social media as we expect immediate responses to every text, tweet, and direct message (though I love social media just as much as the next person). Healthy relationships stem from balance. The ability to spend weeks, or even months, without physically seeing your partner is essential due to a multitude of reasons. This ability has faith at its core. We must have faith in the love we have for one another and for ourselves. If one cannot have this small bit of faith in her relationships, she is invalidating herself as well as those who surround her.

Additionally, we tend to overanalyze every gesture that may seem the least bit flirtatious or romantic. During these occurrences, I try to remind myself to examine them from an unbiased perspective. If he cares, he will show he cares. He is showing me what he thinks I deserve from him and I should not glorify this. With each passing day, I become less of a fan of the beating around the bush tactic. I truly believe that someone who fancies me and feels strongly enough about his feelings will tell me so. If he doesn’t, I then know that our relationship would not have been worth my time or his time.

The best love stories happen naturally. Instead of actively, and perhaps frantically, searching for “the one,” we should focus on developing ourselves. We should take every situation as it comes. We should not let our careers, hobbies, friends, and other priorities go to waste for romances as the right people will be able to grow in their own paths alongside ours.

While I used to be the girl who dreamed of an amazing fairytale and do not do so anymore, I secretly hope someone will prove me incorrectly – someone who contains everything I used to dream of having.

To anyone who reads this: Embark on every journey with love. The love you spread will return back to you.

The Disconnect.

  

I wouldn’t be where I am without other people. Further, as cliché as it sounds, I wouldn’t be who I am today without every single person I have had the pleasure of meeting. While I appreciate these folks, I feel a disconnect with most of them now after completing my first year in the world of higher education. I do not feel the same excitement I used to feel when seeing friends from my high school or chatting with anyone, really, from my hometown.

This troubles me. Am I ungrateful? Am I selfish? Am I just plain mean? These questions constantly penetrate my mind. So much has occurred in the past nine months. I’ve encountered new people, new situations, new events, and new classes. Everyone else has as well. Whether it was desired or not, we’ve changed. My views regarding the world and my relationships with others have taken a turn.

I am tired of trying to maintain a balance between my life in my hometown and my life in college. They’re separate, unfortunately, and although I can mold them together, I don’t see the appeal in doing so. I do not necessarily know why that is, but I am slowly discovering more and this is okay. If I care enough about someone from my past, I will make sure to keep him or her in the loop with my present (I’d expect the same in return).

Sure. I wouldn’t be who I am today without these people, but this shouldn’t stop me (or anyone else) from progressing and meeting people who wish for positivity and light to envelope my life. Quite frankly, the competitive edge overtook many in my hometown and due to this, I cannot say that everyone had everyone else’s best interests in mind. This was taxing.

I’ll never forget or disregard my roots, but I cannot prevent the steps I will take in letting go. I am incredibly thankful for those I have met and still consider all of them my close friends, but they only know the person I used to be. I am still Nat, but I have grown.