Author; Natasha Sohni

aspiring writer

Overwhelmed.

I feel like a heartbreaker and I feel like a girl who gets her heart broken repeatedly and I feel like I cannot catch a breath and I feel like I have too much room to breathe and I feel empty and I feel whole and I feel lost and I feel found and I feel like a failure but also a successful woman and I feel like I need to tell someone something but I feel as though I cannot find the words and I feel like I am not the best version of myself but I do not even know what that version is when I feel better than I have ever felt but maybe I just feel broken and my soul is looking for some type of monster glue. But I keep settling for tape.

The Less of You, the Better.

you love your body enough to criticize it
the piece of chocolate settled at the bottom of your stomach will not dissolve without running a few miles
or twenty
and is your stomach flat enough for your liking? did your arm look too large in that photograph?

the amount of times during which you have cried while looking at yourself in the mirror is only equated by the amount of dinners you have skipped to compensate for the tears

but you should ask yourself
will you ever be “skinny” enough? your standards rise as your body disappears
a million people will say that you are beautiful
that your body is a gift
but the validation is still not enough
because these compliments are not valid if you do not believe them yourself

so you run until you struggle to breathe and you track your calories and you scold yourself for eating a slice of pizza
and you tell your best friends that their bodies are perfect while you tell yourself to work harder

and one day, you step on a scale and you have lost more weight than you could ever imagine
you should feel happy, but you feel afraid
you feel weak
and you question whether you can ever win
but you will not because you are the only person competing in this race
and you can only succeed if you withdraw from it

Nightmares.

Your fists are clenched, tears are streaming down your cheeks, and you are yelling. You can hear yourself yelling, but you cannot help doing so. You have a pain in your chest that resembles heartbreak, and you feel helpless. Your slumber should be peaceful, but your mind torments you.

I would say that I have nightmares fairly often. I had some painful ones last night, so here I am writing about them. I close my eyes every night hoping to recharge, but I feel as though so much is taken from me emotionally when the next morning arrives. As many know, I struggle with fairly severe insomnia, so I do not even know if I can classify these encounters as nightmares because they feel so real. I am balancing within my consciousness. Due to this, I think the reality of it is the scariest part. My nightmares are mostly realistic and shed light on traumas that I have been fortunate enough to avoid thus far. This confuses me. I rarely have dreams that I enjoy, and if I do enjoy them, I find myself disappointed to an excessive degree the next day.

I guess this is pretty vulnerable of me to mention, but when I experience a troubling nightmare, and awake to tears pouring out of my eyes, I want nothing more in that moment than to have someone holding me. I want to hear that everything is okay, and I want to squeeze a hand. This being said, my nightmares are my own, and even if I find the strength to relive them and explain them to others, they do not fully understand the fear that caused my body to become rigid in the midst of them.

In some senses, I would be interested in exploring how to control my dreams fully, but given my insomnia, I feel as though I would focus so much on controlling them that I would not be able to fall asleep.

Nightmares make me uncomfortable during a time in which I desire nothing but comfort. They cause me distress and I spend hours, days, or even weeks thinking about them. I try to exhale the triggers that arise within them with each breath I take, and I will say that some of the tension escapes through the tears I shed as well, but I need a bit of time for my emotions to completely settle.

I want to tell myself that I should not be afraid of something as trivial as a nightmare, but I cannot help how I feel in these moments during which harsh and disturbing thoughts enter my mind. Sometimes, fear is okay. I wish I had more answers and more words of encouragement for myself, but I know that I can handle this. For me, sleep is a work in progress. I will continue to exhale the negativity that arises with it as much as I can.

He Should Be.

he may be so many things
that sound lovely on paper or when you tell your friends about him for the first time

but is he bear hugs and hand holds
is he a doer
does he push you rather than break you
does he empower you rather than belittle you

does he resolve rather than run

do not give into it
do not let him into you
until he is
until he does

The best advice I gave and received in 2019.

in no particular order

Choose people who choose you.

Surround yourself with those who respect and value your time.

Doing a stupid action does not make you a stupid person. You spend so much time giving others the benefit of the doubt. You deserve to give yourself the same.

One should not have to know how you have been treated in the past to treat you well.

You will never be free from judgment, so you might as well do what you enjoy.

Listen to music that feeds your soul. Do not listen to what others expect you to like if you do not actually like it.

Age does not equate to maturity.

Not everyone can be helped in the same way. Do not settle for (and compensate) the wrong therapist, app, class, routine, friends, or environment.

Be intentional in whom and what you follow on social media. You do not owe anyone a follow, like, or retweet.

Do not work for an organization, company, or person who does not share your values.

Privilege exists in being positive.

You are more than capable of not listening to problematic musicians.

Do not put anyone on a pedestal regardless of how personally you know them.

Pushing away those who desire to support you is only doing a disservice to yourself. Take your space, but be cognizant of whether you are hurting your loved ones in the process.

Do good work where you are and people will notice. Your output speaks louder than your talk.

Putting yourself out there is empowering.

Not feeling well? Cannot sleep? Cannot stay awake? Drink water. Water helps everything.

Do not search for your healing within those who broke you.

Not everyone has the best intentions, but do not change your own intentions because of this.

Pay attention to those around you. Who adds to your life? Who takes from it?

Some situations do not have explanations. Some situations just are what they are, and they only look for acceptance.

Your trauma is not any more or any less valid than someone else’s trauma. Your struggles and healing processes can coexist.

Listening to songs that provide you with painful memories will not help.

Take every opportunity to bask in sunlight.

Ignoring how greatly marginalized communities are impacted in your advocacy regarding climate change (or any issue for that matter) is dangerous.

Not everyone, including your closest friends and family members, will be able to share in your excitement or sadness. This does not make your feelings less valid.

People will take credit for your work. This does not mean that the work was not worth it, or that you do not add value to an initiative. Focus on the reasons for why you did the work instead.

You are only as successful as how well you are (physically and mentally).

Weaponizing your identity only highlights your privileges and makes others feel small.

If you need a hug, ask for a hug.

If you are reading this, you probably have the ability to recognize how much space you occupy. Be cognizant of this.

Pay attention to where leaders, celebrities, and organizations that you admire place their dollars.

You are not expected to solve every problem. You are expected to educate yourself, unlearn and learn, and practice your values to the best of your ability.

A difference exists between educating folks on issues that should not be your responsibility to explain and empowering their growth.

Dating someone should not be a project. You should not have to fix or drain yourself for your partner.

If you live in and are governed by a system that was built on oppression, ignoring this point will only harm you and those around you.

How others treat you is a reflection of how they view themselves.

When you are in leadership roles, you and your work might not feel appreciated or be recognized. You have to accomplish your tasks and goals anyway, so do your best to affirm yourself.

Your successes are rooted in your mindset.

Pay attention to how government and news sources communicate happenings. Dig deeper and question what you are told. Ask questions if you do not understand and do not blindly follow.

An upward dog can always provide some relief.

Just because folks can list random facts about past events, laws, court cases or garner tens to thousands of likes on a tweet containing political jargon does not make them any more qualified or capable than you are.

The meaning of life is to discover what life means to you.

You are allowed to feel pain months, years, and decades after something occurs or ends. You probably will.

You will always have your experiences. You will always have your story.

Putting yourself first is not selfish. Liberation arises with loving yourself.

Your life on this earth is so minuscule within the span of time. Ask yourself, often, if you are fulfilled.

Dear White People.

I wrote this for one of my classes and I thought I’d share. We were required to write a letter to someone or a group based on the readings we had in class regarding race. Edit: I would like to note that one’s learning and research should not stop with reading the piece that I have cited in this post. We were assigned White Fragility for class, which is why I used it. One should be reading works written by people of color. DiAngelo’s work, in itself, is an example of white privilege and can be condescending. She makes the occasional valid point, but again, people of color have been writing about many of these issues for decades.

Dear White People,

When I was only five years old, unexposed to the realities of the existence of race, you told me that I could not sit at your table because I am brown. 

When I was ten, insecure about my body and wishing that my skin tone was just a few shades lighter, you made fun of the hair on my arms. 

You tell me that I will never be a Senator (apparently this is okay, though, because you prefaced this statement with “no offense”). You exoticize me because you are fascinated by the way that my brown skin glows or the way that my hair flows as though this is supposed to capture my heart and have me tumble into your love.

You ask me from where I am and I say that I am from Rochester, MN in response. You then say “no, I mean, what is your nationality?” and even though I am American, I know that you are actually asking about my ethnicity, so I reply and say that I am Indian just for you to say that you know an Indian who looks how I look. Your intentions are always correct in your mind, but your impacts have me wondering whether you will ever learn. 

The system in which we currently exist is built to benefit you, so your judgement is clouded as you think that it is, in turn, benefiting everyone. As DiAngelo states in White Fragility, “…racism…occurs when a racial group’s prejudice is backed by legal authority and institutional control” (DiAngelo 21). We can all choose to live comfortably and avoid thinking deeply about this, but that in itself is a privilege. In many ways, I have been able to do the same due to my immigrant parents’ hard work in building a well-off family and lifestyle in this country. My mother and father have Doctorates in Physics and Microbiology respectively, but they have entered interview rooms in which their names and skin tones have taken precedence over their accomplishments. This being said, I want to stress the importance of disaggregating race and ethnicity as in a lot of ways, I have lived a very fortunate life. Not all people of color live on the same playing field (within a game that we did not choose to play), and disadvantaged groups exist even within this. 

While blatant racism does exist, and some folks, unfortunately, are proud to call themselves racists, anyone can make racist remarks. The comments stated previously were made to me, and to some degree, embedded so deeply into my identity that I have believed them myself at times, by those who claim to be allies and generally act justly upon their allyship. I often struggle to discuss race with my white friends, and other white progressives, because everything can be taken with defense rather than objectively. Bitterness exists within their reactions even if they do not outrightly express it, and this results in me feeling a sense of guilt for even discussing the topic in the first place. DiAngelo draws on this concept by shedding light on the claims that white folks often make to validate their comments or awareness. The parents of the girl who made the comment to me when I was five, and continued to bully me throughout my kindergarten year, claimed that they did not teach their daughter those values, or to be racist, and their apologies were validated. DiAngelo states that “a racism-free upbringing is not possible, because racism is a social system embedded in the culture and its institutions” (DiAngelo 83). Again, the ability to not acknowledge this, and view everything at face value or as an individual situation, is a privilege. Coming to terms with this is difficult, and it all certainly messes with my own mind, but ignorance is not bliss. My identity as a woman of color has been politicized and socialized, but many lives wade in consistent politicization. I choose to be brutally aware of this reality not only for myself, but also for those who face much worse. 

I am proud to be a brown woman. A lot of effort has been taken to push past the perceptions that I had of myself while growing. Since white skin is so frequently associated with power, lighter skin tones have always been pushed as “more attractive.” I wished so badly to be just a shade or two lighter. To this degree, I have so often pictured myself marrying a white man as though men of color were less attractive, or less qualified, and have often been submissive to the white men whom I have dated due to this. This is the influence of socialization at work, and my parents along with others in the Indian community took too large of risks, and worked too hard, to challenge it. Advocating for myself is still every day work, and I am so fortunate to have been given the opportunities I have had as this work could have definitely been heavier. 

If you truly are an ally, if you truly are progressive, then question the system in which we live. Do not take defense. Ask yourself why you have the perceptions you have, and then push yourself to be uncomfortable enough to unlearn. Empower people of color instead of basking in the power that is always at your fingertips. I do not expect you to be perfect in your acts and comments as I am not even close to being so myself, but people of color deserve to occupy just as much space as you do without being questioned. You did not choose to have or work hard for your whiteness. People of color did not choose their identities either, but they have to fight against the system that disadvantages them every day. DiAngelo mentions the “social taboos against talking openly about race,” (DiAngelo 100) and your participation in dismantling this is key.

In Solidarity,

Natasha Sohni 

Work Cited:

DiAngelo, Robin J. White Fragility: Why It’s so Hard for White People to Talk about Racism. Beacon Press, 2018.

Some authors of color I recommend reading: Angela Davis, Warsan Shire, Ta-Nehisi Coates

A Movie.

you are running along a city street
rushing to your next obligation

millions of people are surrounding you
but you somehow know all of them

yellow taxis are whizzing past you
your hair is blowing in your face
and your phone illuminates with texts and emails

the hands of these people latch onto your heart and pull at its strings
you cannot help but share your soul with every single one of them
you cannot help but make them your best friends and you soon have so many that

you are not sure who cares or who adds or who keeps you warm
because everyone seems to be turning you cold
you have used your vulnerability as a blanket to shelter others

your socializing has left you feeling lonely and numb
and the coffee in your cup meant to energize you while you rush down the street is now on the sidewalk seeping into cracks that seem too familiar

and even though this is all so vivid
you do not feel present
and this moment that captures your isolated body, rushing, within a sea of people who all claim to know you and love you
becomes a movie set to loop

you try to grab at someone
anyone who seems as though they will understand and lie with you in your loneliness until it disappears

the smiles may be welcoming
the secrets may run deeply
the hugs may be frequent
but this is a movie
and you will always struggle to decipher the reality that lies within it

Taking.

   

they take and they take and they take
until you have fallen so far
until the hole is too deep
and you would rather plunge further instead of climbing out of it

your back is a constant battleground for the stones that they are throwing at one another
and the bruising is normalized

they curve the sides of your mouth upward at the thought of death
and you picture yourself running until you find it

they take and they take and they take
until they are here and you are not

your demons have consumed you
and left you so empty
you might as well be dead

21st Birthday Reflection.

              

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Disclaimer: My opinions are my own and do not reflect those of the organizations, representatives, or folks mentioned in this post. Additionally, I am aware of my privilege and thankful for the opportunities I have had. This post is going to be long, but please read all of it.

Wow. I keep thinking about the words that are about to flow into this post and I feel so much pain. I am choosing to be candid because how do I, or any of you reading this, benefit from this post if I am not? I probably will not sugarcoat too much. This is hard for me to write.

I feel as though I share a lot on my blog, and even more in real life, and I’ve only grown to be more open and vulnerable within the past year. Every time I post something, I’m completely terrified. Every time I share a piece of myself with someone, I’m completely terrified. So many of my friends ask me how I do it. Honestly, I do not know if I have the “right” answer in terms of how to practice vulnerability. I think a lot of this is just who I am and my personality, but my thought process has always centered around reminding myself, often, that I will never regret being vulnerable. I can never be blamed for withholding how I feel.

Every year, on my birthday, I go on a sunrise run. I do this to show myself that even though sunsets exist, sunrises do too. Additionally, joy exists in looking forward to a beautiful view.

Much of this past year has been beautiful. I held leadership positions at my university and worked on meaningful initiatives. In the past, I had always dreamed of speaking at a rally because I saw so many of my role models within the political field do the same. I accomplished this goal and spoke at a Planned Parenthood Get Out the Vote rally last fall alongside a good friend and amazing advocate, US Senator Tina Smith, former Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards, Lieutenant Governor Peggy Flanagan, US Senator Catherine Cortez Masto, and at-large Minneapolis School Board Member Kimberly Caprini. Events like these pave the way for women in politics, and I am honored to be a part of this movement.

During election season, our team increased voter turnout in student precincts by over one hundred percent. We worked to have so many progressive candidates elected and while these times may be daunting politically, I think we can all acknowledge that they are exciting as well. I had an amazing experience last November and spoke on a BBC international radio show, and I still cannot believe that this happened. A mentor of mine once told me that importance exists in just buckling down and doing good work. If you do good work, regardless of where you are, people will notice and honor it.

This summer, I had the opportunity to intern at Tina Smith’s Senate office. The work environment was fun and I had a lot of interesting conversations with my fellow interns. We all got along super well, and I think, being in an office where the work, at times, can be mundane (scanning documents, answering constituent calls, writing letters), having great people alongside oneself is essential. I had a cool boss and us interns were paired with staffers based on our interests, so I was paired with the Diversity & Inclusion Outreach staffer and Healthcare & Aging Outreach staffer. Both of them are incredible women and I learned lots just by having conversations with them. I was able to partake in meetings and visit fascinating places such as the Federal Reserve. I learned a lot about what the work is like in a senate office as well as a lot about myself.

Over the past year, I have been fortunate to travel a fair amount. Last fall, I attended a national student government conference in New Orleans, and I could say a lot about the experiences I had there, but I think I will just say that it was interesting for sure. We were there over the weekend of Brett Kavanaugh’s unfortunate and scary, in my opinion, confirmation to the Supreme Court, and I heard some discouraging viewpoints regarding the matter. I am not sure how I managed to accomplish this given my packed schedule (take a look at my Google calendar), but I was able to fly to London for a weekend in April with my mom. To be honest, I thrived. I lived. I know that not everyone can afford to travel like this and I am so blessed to have a mother who would think of me when booking trips like this, but I needed it. I needed to clear my head and escape from the environment that was breaking me. I feel as though this trip also contributed positively to the relationship I have with my mom. I think that we have become closer throughout my time in college, but we became that even closer over this trip as well. I admire her so much.

I recently visited my family in India. We travel there every couple of years, and I enjoyed seeing my family. At the same time, I struggled quite a bit because I am constantly on the go, but I spent a lot of time sitting with my own thoughts while I was there. I felt anxious because my thoughts consumed me, and while I had fulfilling conversations with family members and read a couple books, I like to be moving. I really hope some of my family members in India visit us here at some point soon because I would love to show them a little bit of my world as well. Easy and comfortable living is not common in India. If you’re reading this, I urge you to visit the country at some point in your life because while it is beautiful, everyday life is not anything like how it is here in the United States. I am reminded of this every time I visit, and I am glad that I am. If you’d love to discuss India’s social and political climate with me sometime, let me know and we can grab coffee or take a walk.

This next part is going to be tough to write. As many know, I was in a long-term relationship that ended in February. I felt as though my soul had been sucked out of me and I had been shattered into an infinite amount of pieces. I still feel so much pain just from remembering the pain that this Natasha was feeling. Out of respect for him, I will not be sharing specific details, but we had gotten back together after breaking up once in May 2018, and I do not think either of us had healed from that previous breakup when we decided to do so. He is not toxic, but the relationship was. I can say that I deserve better, but I do not mean that I deserve a better person; I just deserve better treatment. I spent more time crying than I did smiling when I was with him. I would miss him when he was lying right next to me. I know that I showered him with as much love as I could muster, but if I have learned anything over time, it is that love is not enough to make a relationship work. I threw love at every problem, but the problems were never resolved. I just broke a little bit more with every single one. I will always have love for him, but I deserve someone who will respect not only me, but my love and my time. As Lewis Capaldi sings in Bruises, “it’s your love I’m lost in, and I’m tired of being so exhausted.” He struggled to treat me well and he admitted that he did. He did not have it in him because he did not love himself and was not secure in his life here, and how you treat others is often reflected in how you treat yourself.

I have noticed that my mental health is infinitely worse over breaks. My depression and anxiety were much worse over the winter, spring, and summer breaks. Winter break was especially troubling because I had moved out of my apartment due to a tough roommate situation and I spent most of it in Rochester. I love spending time with my family, but I do not like residing in a town that has not grown with me. I started 2019 and spring semester on a sad note, was trying to mend a broken relationship, and I actually lost an incredible amount of weight on top of already facing eating disorder (I have gained most of it back). My anxiety and depression were so horrible that, even as a high-functioning person, I started missing classes (I did alright academically despite this) and was too sad or anxious to make food and eat it. I still struggle with eating disorder, but I do my best to work through it. I have an immense amount of cysts on my scalp due to stress, most likely, and had a few of them removed at the beginning of the semester. The surgery was kind of horrible and this did not help my anxiety.

I started consistently attending therapy during this time, and I am glad that I am now taking steps to better my mental health. Growth is not linear, and I still struggle, but after my breakup, I felt lighter. I am more outspoken, and I love and appreciate my existence. I pay so much attention to where I place my energy. I have always had high emotional intelligence, but I am more forward about verbalizing how I feel, and have done so especially in the romantic experiences I have had since my relationship. All good things take time, and I continue to put myself out there and share my heart because I know that the relationships I have with other people are formative for my personality type. I am who I am because of others. I can be hurt a million times, but I will never close myself off to new experiences, or love, or the risk of heartache. If I know that I have given something or someone all that I can, I do not need to blame myself for whatever happens next. Building walls is the easy option, but relationships, dating, and loving in general is hard. The easy option will not work in the long run. My friends and family have told me in the past to stop investing so much into others because I am hurt so often, but why should I change myself because of how others treat me? I am going to be exactly who I am, and I would want the men I date, and especially whoever my life partner is, to value this. We will see what happens in the coming days.

For some reason, I was unable to cry for about four months over this past year. I might have cried so much before then that I did not have any tears left, but I often had the urge to cry because I am such an emotional person and could not bring myself to do it. Luckily, this has been resolved and I have cried a fair amount recently. Crying can be therapeutic and I do not think that anyone should ever be afraid to shed a few tears. I have realized that driving, running, singing, and yoga are also very therapeutic for me, and I know that I mentioned this months ago on my blog, but I might invest in a yoga membership. I would like to have a more consistent practice.

On a spiritual and religious note, as I grow older, I question religion more and more. I have always had an existential mind, but religion, frankly, makes me angry. I respect the concept of religion because I think having faith in oneself and the future is important, but in my opinion, it is socially constructed and this should be recognized just the same. I find so much frustration in the fact that religion causes so much hate in this world. We have folks dying at the hands of it coupled with other concepts such as power. While I like to believe in a greater being and do pray occasionally (always thanking, never asking), I think a lot of folks are hypocritical when it comes to practicing their respective religions (based on what they preach). I am Hindu by birth, and do celebrate the cultural holidays we have when possible, but I am careful about letting it guide me or believing in it so much that I lose myself to it. I would rather decide my own morals and values, and follow them “religiously” (nice word play there, Nat) if that makes sense.

In other news, I decided to finally have my ears pierced this past year and now have double piercings. I really like it. Last year, at this time, I had sixty (60) Spotify followers. I now have two hundred and seventeen (217)!!! I appreciate the support and if you do not follow me on Spotify, I recommend that you do. I saw Aminé and 6LACK in concert and saw Rupi Kaur speak last fall, and I really needed to hear a lot of what she said. I am now the President of the College of Liberal Arts Student Board as well as the Coalition for Progressive Change, and I am a Research Assistant at the Minnesota Population Center on the IPUMS-DHS project. I am also on the University of Minnesota Homecoming Royalty court, and the other royals are awesome. I have a few concerts scheduled in the coming months as well including Pink Sweat$, Lewis Capaldi, and my favorite band of all time (FBOAT, if you will) Bon Iver. I will be seeing Bon Iver in North Carolina and my mother is attending the concert with me. I cannot wait. My travel bug bite is large, so I have some other trips in the works too. I have really fun roommates and, given that I do, I know that I will have a really fun senior year of college.

I have grappled a bit with imposter syndrome over the past year (and my entire life), and I think my accomplishments and the leadership positions I have acquired have contributed to this. I know that I work hard, but I am well aware of my privileges and I often question whether I am really qualified in that regard. I feel as though I am floating and drowning and internally screaming all at once. I do not think most folks understand what it is like to be inside of my head, but my mind overwhelms me.

I think a few folks deserve to be mentioned in this post. I would like to thank my mother, father, and brother for every family lunch, hug, and gossip session. We may have the occasional disagreement, but they always tell me that they are proud of me and this means the world. Many do not have intact family units and I will never take mine for granted. Family, when you’re reading this, I love you and appreciate you. I (literally and figuratively) would not be here without all of you. My successes do not mean much without acknowledging the ladder you built for me.

I do not know how I would have gotten through this year without my best friend and future maid of honor, Harmanpreet. She has wiped my tears too many times to count and she knows exactly what I need to hear. I am probably too protective of her, but she deserves all of the success and happiness in the world, and I will do everything I can to contribute to this.

I have set a few goals. I plan on running a marathon before I am thirty, desire to improve my posture, and I *will* have a job upon graduation in May. I am looking to work for a non-profit, or some government or politically related department for a couple years before attending graduate school for a Master’s degree in Public Policy/Global Health Policy. Additionally, I have the dream of working for Spotify, so if the opportunity arises, that’d be cool.

The world can be scary personally, professionally, domestically, and globally. I am terrified. I do not like uncertainty. I do not like feeling alone or feeling lost. I am terrified, but music exists. Sunrises exist. Love exists. Google Calendar exists. While I bask in my uncertainty and existential crises, I am going to be proactive. I am going to blast my favorite songs, fall in love with myself and those around me, stay organized, and simply just live. My heart is often enveloped in pain, but pain is how one grows. I know that energy is contagious, and I will always do my best to exude it positively.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure we call life over the past year and for reading this post. I am blessed to be here. We all are. If you’ll excuse me, I am going to drink a glass of rosé as I am now twenty one.

The Test of Time.

      

I often describe myself as someone who thinks with her heart. This rings true in every situation, but is especially true in romantic instances. Feelings and emotions always mean more to me than logistics. It is in my nature to do so and I do not try, or desire, to fight it. Given recent events, I have been pushed to evaluate more on why I do this, and I have arrived at a few interesting reasons.

Emotions inform my choices because this is what I saw in my own home. My parents are about to celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary. I am fortunate enough to have a prime example of true love right in front of me. They have not actually been in the same location to celebrate most of their anniversaries together, and this year will not be any different. Almost immediately after their wedding, they were apart for quite a while as they were pursuing their respective degrees and careers. My father has had to travel and reside in other places consistently for work since I was in first grade. For half of their marriage, they have not been able to come home to each other every day, or even for weeks at a time, but the love they have for each other is just as strong. My brother and I have been able to grow and learn from them, we have been able to visit so many countries and relatives as a family, and our group chat is occasionally riveting. At the same time, the house has felt lonelier without my dad’s presence, my mom was tasked with driving my brother and I to our various activities until I received my license, and pictures or videos of important events do not equate to being with one another in person. As I enter my senior year of college, I have not felt these effects as much over the past few years, but I still remember feeling frustrated when I was younger.

As I stated previously, I am so thankful, throughout all of this, to have an intact family unit nonetheless. Having parents who constantly fight for each other against logistics had a large impact on me as an impressionable youth. They married each other within a year of meeting. My mother proposed to my father. When I asked them how long it took them to know that their connection is unique, they said that they knew almost immediately.

I feel as though, even if you do not instantly think of marriage, you can quickly realize whether you see potential with someone. I know myself well enough to know what I need in terms of emotional depth and connection, and even if a million barriers are placed in front of us, I am always ready to break them.

I am unsure as to why I am so willing to fight for love and persist, but the intersection of personality and genetics probably has something to do with it. My father and I have similar temperaments, and he is quick to act on his emotions. My mother is detail-oriented, and even the smallest moments can have immense impacts. Both of my parents dislike taking “no” for an answer, and say yes to almost everything asked of them.

When he asks me to think logically while working through the challenges our relationship faces, I find difficulty in removing my feelings and emotions from the process of doing so. It is frustrating, but I cannot help it. What I can do, though, is acknowledge and explain why I think the way I do, and be mindful of this when navigating the twists and turns of dating, relationships, romance, or anything really. I understand that how we feel about each other has to take a backseat to other life events sometimes, and this is where the test of time plays a role. If our connection is still just as strong throughout and after the growing, experiences, and barriers we have presented in front of us, we will know.

My parents stood the test of time and I am here because of it. I fight for love because of it. I let myself fall and invest myself into others because of it, and I am proud to do so. Patience takes strength, and it is tough (as I stated in my last blog post, our story would not be worth it if it were easy), but only time can tell if something is meant to be.