The Test of Time.

      

I often describe myself as someone who thinks with her heart. This rings true in every situation, but is especially true in romantic instances. Feelings and emotions always mean more to me than logistics. It is in my nature to do so and I do not try, or desire, to fight it. Given recent events, I have been pushed to evaluate more on why I do this, and I have arrived at a few interesting reasons.

Emotions inform my choices because this is what I saw in my own home. My parents are about to celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary. I am fortunate enough to have a prime example of true love right in front of me. They have not actually been in the same location to celebrate most of their anniversaries together, and this year will not be any different. Almost immediately after their wedding, they were apart for quite a while as they were pursuing their respective degrees and careers. My father has had to travel and reside in other places consistently for work since I was in first grade. For half of their marriage, they have not been able to come home to each other every day, or even for weeks at a time, but the love they have for each other is just as strong. My brother and I have been able to grow and learn from them, we have been able to visit so many countries and relatives as a family, and our group chat is occasionally riveting. At the same time, the house has felt lonelier without my dad’s presence, my mom was tasked with driving my brother and I to our various activities until I received my license, and pictures or videos of important events do not equate to being with one another in person. As I enter my senior year of college, I have not felt these effects as much over the past few years, but I still remember feeling frustrated when I was younger.

As I stated previously, I am so thankful, throughout all of this, to have an intact family unit nonetheless. Having parents who constantly fight for each other against logistics had a large impact on me as an impressionable youth. They married each other within a year of meeting. My mother proposed to my father. When I asked them how long it took them to know that their connection is unique, they said that they knew almost immediately.

I feel as though, even if you do not instantly think of marriage, you can quickly realize whether you see potential with someone. I know myself well enough to know what I need in terms of emotional depth and connection, and even if a million barriers are placed in front of us, I am always ready to break them.

I am unsure as to why I am so willing to fight for love and persist, but the intersection of personality and genetics probably has something to do with it. My father and I have similar temperaments, and he is quick to act on his emotions. My mother is detail-oriented, and even the smallest moments can have immense impacts. Both of my parents dislike taking “no” for an answer, and say yes to almost everything asked of them.

When he asks me to think logically while working through the challenges our relationship faces, I find difficulty in removing my feelings and emotions from the process of doing so. It is frustrating, but I cannot help it. What I can do, though, is acknowledge and explain why I think the way I do, and be mindful of this when navigating the twists and turns of dating, relationships, romance, or anything really. I understand that how we feel about each other has to take a backseat to other life events sometimes, and this is where the test of time plays a role. If our connection is still just as strong throughout and after the growing, experiences, and barriers we have presented in front of us, we will know.

My parents stood the test of time and I am here because of it. I fight for love because of it. I let myself fall and invest myself into others because of it, and I am proud to do so. Patience takes strength, and it is tough (as I stated in my last blog post, our story would not be worth it if it were easy), but only time can tell if something is meant to be.

Put Us in a Box.

   

my feelings and your feelings cannot be placed into boxes
as though they are one dimensional, easily understood, cut and dry

you cannot ask me to evaluate how I feel, or how you make me feel, by simply saying “yes” or “no” 

if we could describe our relationship with one word, I would not be wishing for happily ever afters 

if our story were that easy to pursue, it would not be worth it 

Brave Face.

    

hazel eyes with flecks of green
clouded with tears
and your heart wades within them

he always asks you how you are feeling
but you have difficulty articulating how he makes you feel
and even though this is not what he means when he asks you this question
the way he makes you feel erodes everything else

your heart crumbles when he is holding you
but it shatters at the thought of him leaving
he is going to be an ocean away
and he is going to be on your mind
simultaneously

what is meant to be will be they say
you tell yourself to have faith

you push yourself to wear a brave face
but you really just want to lay your head on his chest
hear his heart beating
and tell him to stay

Home.

      

You look into a sea of blue and you see an entire world. You see your future. You see a red house with mahogany wood and a wrap around porch, a smiling baby with a soft, tan complexion, and anniversary dinners.

You see your head resting on his shoulder as you travel to Italy or Thailand or India, and kissing him at sunset in front of the Taj Mahal. You see arguments in the kitchen resolved with warm cuddles, and even warmer words, shared by the fireplace while listening to your collaborative Spotify playlists.

You see your phone calls that last hours and hours while you are oceans away from one another and you see him coaching your son’s soccer team. You see a labradoodle and a tabby cat, concerts played by artists who have been able to put your love into words, countless pizza orders, and family outings to football games.

You see yourself sobbing in his arms, pushing each other to challenge yourselves in your careers, and lighting candles created from a scent that you’ll always love.

You look into a sea of blue and feel lost. You see dilated pupils, you find yourself softly kissing his cheek, you hear the final “I love you,” and then you’re looking at a closed door. Your soul had found a home, a community, a safe space. If you think about it, most people do not live in the same house forever. More than one sea exists, and a new one is always waiting to engulf you. You will find your home. You just have to let yourself move.

You Have Yourself.

        

Do you remember when you were a child and all you wanted to do was just be you? Your outlook on life and its meaning was simple. Loving yourself was a given and effort was not required to do so.

I find myself constantly working to be a better version of myself, but who even is she? Why can I not be whomever I want to be? Over winter break, my friend asked me a simple question. “Are you happy?” I thought about it for a little bit and realized that, although it is a “yes” or “no” question, I could not answer it with one word. Instead, I said that I feel as though I am always working toward being happy, but I never reach it. As we grow older, our happiness stems from becoming something, from working toward our ideal lives, from being surrounded by ideal people.

What are we trying to become though? Who I am, right at this moment, is enough because regardless of the successes I have, the titles I have, the degrees I have, the people I have, I will always be Natasha. I will always have to be comfortable with being myself and having myself. I cannot escape that and I should not want to escape it.

About 1.5 months ago, I was sitting across from a friend at a coffee shop, and I told him that I feel as though I do not have anyone and he said something that has stuck with me throughout this time. “You have yourself.” This is a concept that is so simple, but I (and I feel as though most others) often forget.

As an extrovert, I struggle with being alone. I love people and I invest so much of myself into others. I invest so much of my soul into others. I do not mind doing so, but difficulty exists in not losing myself in the process. During moments in which being alone is especially hard for me, I remind myself that I have myself. It is liberating. I feel so happy when I think about this. The one person who has always understood me is me, and I should appreciate myself more.

I was watching a YouTube video the other day, and this YouTuber was reflecting on her life the day before her wedding day. She played a clip from a home video of her childhood, and in it, her dad asks her five year old self what she would tell herself if she were watching the video at a later point in her life. She said, “I love you.”

I think little Natasha would be proud of where I am now. I am proud of who I am and where I am. I feel so much pain when I think of the people who do not appreciate my worth or what I have to offer, but I know that others do, and even if they did not, I do. That is all that matters.

So many complexities exist, but being happy with yourself should not fall into that category. It is simple. You are not you if you are constantly trying to be something more or better. Trust yourself enough to lead you in the right direction. You have the power to remind yourself of who you are and your successes will not mean anything to you if you lose yourself in the process.

Natasha, you have yourself. Your career will fall into place, the people in your life will fall into place, and you’ll fall into place. Ultimately, the one thing you’ll always be able to give yourself is love. Sounds like a pretty great deal.

My 2019 Perspective.

         

Even though I am not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions and I do my best to avoid defining my life in terms of years (with time being a social construct and all), I will say that 2019 has been rough so far. I have cried so much that I am surprised I still have tears left, I underwent surgery, have had multiple anxiety attacks, lost ten pounds, experience negative thoughts often, scaled back on my commitments within my extra-curricular activities, contracted a bacterial infection, and have frequent migraines.

I have realized that the only goal I have at this point is to feel some sort of contentment or happiness. I feel so much pain both mentally and physically, and I want nothing more than for someone to tell me that they are proud of me, they support me, and everything will be okay (please be kind to me and send warm thoughts my way, thanks). I feel misunderstood and I feel lost. I always wondered if, or when, I would hit rock bottom, and I think I finally have.

I have always put others before myself. I have always put others before my health and my happiness. I am, frankly, not a healthy person. I do not eat well, I over-exercise, my bones are weak, I let my stressors consume me, I hard on myself for not being more compassionate or loving (even though I love so much and so easily), and my mental illnesses have created quite a thick icing on this cake.

I have decided to take charge and find my footing. I have therapy appointments scheduled, visit the Doctor for health-related concerns, and am trying to stress less over things that are not in my control.

People will always make assumptions about me and take advantage of me, but I need to take my own advice and trust only myself. No one knows me better than I know myself and I am so incredibly tired of taking the way others treat me at face value. I may be nice, I may be caring, and I may invest so much of myself into others, but these reasons do not give anyone the right to walk all over me. I truly believe that the ones who value me most will show me that they do, and I should start living by this.

I have always felt guilty for prioritizing my health. I find it disheartening that I am only doing so now because I am so broken, but at least I am taking action. Sometimes more strength is needed to do the simplest things such as asking for and receiving help, and I am proud of myself for finally finding mine.

I value positivity and I find importance in exuding it, but I have realized that being real is important as well. We all become so engrossed in euphemisms, and I have been one to pioneer this in many situations, but I value my authenticity more. Ways in which I plan on practicing this include: purchasing a yoga membership (I attended yoga classes with my best friend throughout my senior year of high school and my life changed for the better because of it), accepting situations and people how they are (for example, if I do not receive an A in a class, I will accept it and move past it), only posting photos or tweeting if I am posting them for myself and doing so actually makes me happy, unfollowing “friends”/YouTubers/celebrities who perpetuate negativity, scheduling therapy sessions, becoming more comfortable with my solitude, journaling (instead of channeling my frustrations and negative emotions into my relationships or situations) and saying no. The things that I love to do most are writing and singing, and I want to devote more time to both of those. I have a lot of post ideas and I have never written any of them, so I want to do that now. I do not have to do everything. I do not have to have a million commitments or constantly try to save people. I do not have to do what others think I should do. I do not owe anyone else my happiness, my energy, or my time.

I continue to sit here and try to fix myself, but all I seem to do is create more issues because I manifest “fixing” into pressure and perfection. I am so happy with my relationship, but I cause problems too frequently. This does not excuse the ones that he has caused, but I do not need to add to them when we are already so focused on bettering ourselves and our relationship, and see a future with each other. I let others sweep me into their messy affairs. I stress over assignments and am hard on myself if I do not exercise every day. I stare at myself in the mirror wondering why my nose is so large, my thighs are so big, or my hips are not smaller when, in actuality, I would be underweight if I lost a couple more pounds. I create mountains out of molehills when I am perfect just the way I am.

I highlighted this previously, but I will say that I often feel undervalued or unappreciated, and even if I am (and this does not excuse the way others treat me), I should not root my validation and happiness in the ways that others view me. Those who actually care will fight for me and will be present in my life at the end of the day.

I believe in the power of positivity and manifestation, and I will do my best to live by this, but I also do not have to be okay all of the time. One should never expect me or anyone else in their life to be okay and happy 24/7. At the same time, I do not have to live in pain. I do not have to sit in disappointment. I should and will be proactive about combatting negative energies, but in a healthy manner. I will do my best to avoid projecting my feelings onto others, even if they have upset me, and instead have constructive conversations. I am tired of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, and I would like all of those who read this to join me in the present and remind me to remain here.

This post may seem negative. It may seem like a cry for help. I do need help, but don’t worry, I’m finally starting to receive it and take better care of myself. I do not have to weather storms alone, and I hope that those who care about me and love me will join me in this process. I am not here for the promotion of unhealthy practices (such as not sleeping, eating, etc.) to do well on a test or to reply to emails, sarcasm, or the nonsense (feel free to insert stronger words) that people spew and stir. I am not here for your judgments of my character when others, frankly, do not even know me, how I am feeling, or even half of any given situation I face. Think what you will of me, but I am finally living for myself rather than everyone else and I will not apologize for it.

Being kinder to ourselves allows and empowers us to be kinder to those around us, and I would like to see a lot more of this within myself and my environment. I cannot help others without helping myself. If you gain nothing else from reading this, I hope you at least feel some sense of empowerment. I certainly do.

Also, writing down all of these thoughts made me feel better, and I wish I had done so earlier.

The best advice I gave and received in 2018.

           

in no particular order

You cannot be positive without being grateful.

No one knows you better than you know yourself.

The world is not against you. Most are just working for themselves and you are hurt in the process.

Someone else’s beauty does not diminish your own.

The best leaders are the ones who desire to learn from those who follow them.

Do not trust others blindly.

Searching for signs is a sign in itself.

Self-care is a necessary habit if you desire to help others.

You cannot make everyone happy.

Do not invalidate someone else’s trauma.

All good things take time.

Having high expectations for your significant other and your relationship is valid.

Do not surround yourself with folks who do not add to your life.

Do not assume that the man is paying.

Do not apologize for saying “no.”

Do not apologize for your feelings.

Some people just do not act on their feelings because protecting their hearts is more worth it to them than the possibility of love.

You will hurt the people you love and expecting otherwise is unrealistic. Love prevails. Do not let pain prevail.

He may be the world, but you are the universe.

Missing someone you love is okay.

Do not compare your relationship to other relationships.

Your opportunities arise from your manifestations.

Do not be ashamed to do (legal, healthy, reasonable, kind) activities that bring you joy.

Support men who choose to attend therapy sessions.

If you are privileged enough to vote, you should be voting.

Communication is key.

Always tip. Do not dine and ditch.

I say this often, but strength exists in being vulnerable.

If you are running for office, promote your own platform instead of bashing your opponents’ platforms. Voters will not learn anything about you if you spend all of your energy on creating negative facades for your opponents.

Surround yourself with folks who match your level of excitement.

You were beautiful and smart before him, and you will be beautiful and smart after him.

Gaslighting will happen occasionally in relationships of any kind, but both parties must consciously work to avoid doing so.

Some folks will always be mean and investing your energy into those who are kind is best in this case.

Sometimes, you might feel lonely because the people you love are unable to understand your experiences. Do your best to avoid projecting your frustrations onto them and if you do project, do not scold yourself for it. You are not perfect and your loved ones should not expect you to be perfect.

Toxic & unhealthy relationships do not contribute to an individual’s success and productivity.

If you are able to pick and choose the issues about which you care, you have privilege.

If you are able to avoid conversations surrounding politics, you have privilege.

Having privilege is not an issue; not recognizing your privileges is problematic.

Some will automatically assume you cannot be trusted or that you are a bad person, but this does not mean that you actually are.

Give others the benefit of the doubt.

Do your best to accommodate for folks with disabilities, and cultural or religious holidays.

Do not criticize what others in power have or have not done if you have not used your own power to enact change either. You do not have to be an elected official to create a movement or enact change.

Supporting, uplifting, or advocating for marginalized voices does not need to be (and probably should not be) politicized.

Bad and evil things will happen. Do not let the world make you cold-hearted.

Surround yourself with people who want nothing more than to watch you fall in love with being alive.

Complacency is not cute.

Worrying does not accomplish anything.

You do not owe anyone your happiness but yourself.

If you are feeling sad, happy, loved, empowered, weak, energized, angry, or any emotion really, follow Natasha Sohni on Spotify. She makes great playlists. 😉

 

Positivity.

       

In my opinion, my journey to positivity has been tumultuous and fairly interesting. I have been reflecting quite a bit on what positivity means to me, how positivity looks, and whether spreading positivity is always necessary.

During my earlier years in high school, I used to take pride in being negative and pessimistic. I would be ashamed if anyone ever told me I was a positive person. I used humor and sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

My struggle with depression in ninth, tenth, and eleventh grade was at its peak. Contemplation of suicide and self-harm were constantly at the forefront of my mind, and I felt as though I was burdening those around me with my presence even though they told me this was never the case. I used my relationships to fill the voids within myself and I spent every night crying, writing some extremely heartbreaking things in my iPhone notes, and hurting myself. I had many school days during which I would cry for no reason in class, but I was good at masking this. I did not share this, the darkest parts of myself, with anyone. Even those closest to me did not see this side of me.

Of course, my friends and family probably viewed me as the chipper Natasha we all know now, but I do not think they recognized the walls I had built around myself with the bricks as pain and the foundation as pure negativity. I am an extrovert, so regardless of how I am feeling internally, being surrounded by others pushes me to be bright, make people laugh, and the one to always say yes. My outgoing personality was constantly fighting the darkness that resided within me. I thought positivity, self-care, and gratitude were cheesy ideologies to practice and I chose to wallow in my sorrows instead.

The thought of death intrigued me and almost made me happy. I would keep running to the edge of the cliff in my mind and was so close to jumping every single time. I do not know what stopped me and while fear plays a role, I think the people in my life played larger ones. Since I invest so much of myself in others (this is not healthy and I do not recommend doing this), my attachments to whoever invaded my thoughts every time I considered the jump are what prevented me from acting more drastically. I am glad I am here, as I am, today, but the fact that I needed others to keep me at bay is not great.

I will say that I do not think this period of my life is reflective of who I am. I think that I was trying so hard to be negative because I wanted, so badly, for a reason to quit. I had lost myself to imbalances in my brain, societal factors, an unrealistic idea of love and happiness, my environment, and probably so much more.

The winter and spring of junior year had been rough. I stopped exercising, was in a bad mood a fair amount of the time, experienced a terrible break-up, wore sweatpants half of the time (I now live by “dress well to test well” and I am never caught in sweatpants), did not have that much fun at the Prom, and had to spend most of this year collecting myself.

After letting my negativity consume me for so long, something changed within me before entering my senior year of high school. I cannot pinpoint an exact moment because the change was gradual. I felt recharged. Even though I still struggle with a few mental illnesses to this day, I decided that my present contentment was a conscious choice that only I could make. Receiving help was a choice that only I could make. One cannot expect to act upon and be surrounded by positivity without being intrinsically motivated to do so. I began exercising again that summer. I started attending yoga every week with one of my best friends. I planned and was excited about events. I found community within my friend group. I began to truly appreciate the activities in which I participated. My study habits improved and I did not procrastinate even in the slightest, and this showed through the grades I received.

I realized that if I exude positivity, it will return back to me. I found joy in small things such as new music releases, rainy days, funny jokes, or hugs. I practiced gratitude. We all have problems, but our lives could be much worse. Having a family, a roof over my head, food to eat, an education, and friends who support me are blessings and not guarantees. I have so many resources and opportunities at my fingertips and I know that others do not have as much. I take every moment to acknowledge the privileges I have because positivity and gratitude are intertwined. Life will continue to throw curveballs in my direction; I do not need to contribute to this by having a negative mindset.

Environment is incredibly important. I might not be able to make immediate changes to mine, but my outlook adds to it. I try to be as friendly and warm as I can be. Given that I am an extrovert, doing so is not that difficult, but it takes energy. I choose to spend time with those who add to my life, and stay away from people and things that diminish my energy. I try to add as much color and warmth as I can to my physical environment so I am always met with joy.

Recently, I mentioned that I used to be a negative person and took pride in being this way. My friends were taken by surprise. Negativity and Natasha do not blend well. If my past self knew myself now, I would probably be surprised too. Reflecting on the poisonous thoughts that intruded my mind back then hurts me. One of my greatest fears is relapsing into this mindset again, but I spend every second fighting it. Sometimes, we need others to hold us accountable, recognize warning signs, and tell us that we need help, and I am thankful to have folks who do so in my life now.

Positivity does not equate to always being happy, smiling, or upbeat. Positivity takes work and time. Just because I choose to emit warmth does not mean that I am happy and doing well, and always should be. Positivity is recognizing that it is okay to not be okay, but doing what one can to change this. Growth does not occur overnight and changes cannot be made unless we are motivated to do so by our own hearts. External factors help, but they are temporary.

I still have heavy days and struggle lots, but I am in a healthier and better-equipped mindset to face these challenges. I am here and I choose positivity because I know I have worth and so much to give. I care so deeply about those I love and I want to add to their lives instead of draining them. I cannot believe that I was so close to throwing away all of this. I cannot believe I was so close to throwing away myself. I am proud of my growth and I will never apologize for being too positive or consistently expressing gratitude.

 

20th Birthday Reflection.

           

(Birthday reflections will be a series on my blog.)

Frankly, when I reflect on the majority of this past year, I am met with negativity. When reading this, please keep in mind that I am grateful for all I have. I will never forget that. I had some of the most amazing and fun experiences of my life, but the highs were so high and the lows were incredibly low. Most of the memories I have from this year contain certain people and it hurts to think about them, but I have reached the point in which I can think of these memories happily as well. I am going to be brutally honest in this blog post and I think I deserve to be. I am finally learning to love myself and I will not apologize for it.

One lesson that I have learned from this past year and what stands out to me the most is the importance of one’s environment. During the past few years of my life, I have worked diligently to ensure that my surroundings uplift me, so this year was extremely disappointing due to the negative (and often sarcastic) environment in which I often resided. I frequently felt excluded and misunderstood, and I think I finally snapped. I once tweeted, “do you ever just wait for the day when you don’t have to interact with certain people anymore” and I stand by that even more so now. Certain people in your life may be great, but maybe they’re only great in small doses.

Academically, I had some hard classes, but I feel as though my work ethic and studying habits improved lots over the course of the year. My fall semester GPA was atrocious, but my spring semester GPA was fantastic and I am so proud of myself for working that hard. I often prioritize extra-curricular activities and friends over my academics because of how extroverted I am, but I was able to balance everything so well despite the issues I faced.

This is going to be heavy. This summer was probably the worst summer I have ever experienced, but I also learned so much and had amazing opportunities. I feel as though this period of time clouds my judgment on this past year as a whole, but I think that the past school year led to this breaking point. Due to the constant stressors I faced over the school year, my mental health deteriorated. I have struggled for many years, but a point arose in which my ex-boyfriend pushed me to receive help because it was impacting my mood, my health, and my relationship with him. I am so thankful for his push. In April, I visited the mental health clinic at my University and was met with scary news. I scored red, or extreme, for suicidal ideation and was diagnosed with Major Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorder. I expected the first two, but not the latter. Additionally, I have terrible insomnia, frequent headaches, dermatitis and cysts on my scalp, and warts on my foot, so I feel even more overwhelmed sometimes. I am grateful to those who love me and support me despite all of this, and I hope that others can learn to accept me for who I am. My mental illnesses are very much so a part of me, but they do not define me, and I think I have proven myself capable and strong despite all of it. While meeting with the therapist, I emphasized my fear of my mental illnesses affecting my relationship greatly, but I know that I should not have examined them in this way. I prioritized saving my relationship over taking care of myself when I should have done the opposite. I was living an unhealthy lifestyle and maybe things have improved since then, or maybe they have not, but I am now working on improving my habits for myself and only myself.

I think I have learned quite a bit about relationships of all kinds over this past year. Not all friendships will stay. Not all friendships will remain the same. Last fall, I became very close with three amazing people. We studied for a class together almost every day and I would like to think that we were best friends at the time. These individuals had my back and I had never felt so supported. I fell in love with one of them, things became busier, and we drifted apart as a group, but still remained close with each other individually throughout the spring. Relationships change and this is okay. We often think of heartbreak in a romantic sense, but I have been hurt by so many of my friends throughout the past few years as well. Usually, being a light for others makes me happy and as an extrovert, I thrive by being surrounded by others constantly, but I just feel so drained. I am so tired of investing in people when they do not do the same. I am tired of being gaslighted and adjusting to what others want because I am expected to be “okay” with everything, and I am tired of being a doormat. One of the three folks I mentioned earlier once said to me, “Nat, nothing matters more to me than your happiness. You need to make sure you are happy before anyone else.” I think about this every day because he said this to me at one of my lowest points. Further, he is one of my only friends to ever tell me this. On that same token, I have realized how little most of my friends care. I know that not everyone is outgoing or is nearly as extroverted as I am, but I cannot help how hurt I feel. I just have to remember that if people choose to remove themselves, the decision to do so is not necessarily my fault. If people care, they will show it. We tend to over complicate situations and justify actions, but ultimately, things are this simple.

I am pretty frustrated and angry with some things and some people. I am pretty hurt. All I have ever done is try, though, and I know I deserve better. I stand by what I’ve said in the past: do not give up on those you love, but sometimes letting things run their courses is better than draining oneself.

I want to be careful with my heart, but I also know that doing so is not who I am. I love spreading love, I love sharing my heart, and I am open with others so that they can feel comfortable and open with me. I am often heartbroken and hurt, but if my light makes a difference in at least one person’s life, investing in others is worth it for me. I am proud of how vulnerable I am. I am proud of the love I give to others. I have a lot of faith in people and I know it. I probably always will.

I can name less than five people who truly understand me. I am an open book, but knowing everything about me is not the same as knowing who I am. I do not think that how long one has known another plays a role in how well one knows another. I have only recently met people who know and love me for all I am. I feel so disconnected and removed from certain people and this is difficult and frustrating, but everything happens for a reason (as annoying as this is).

Some recent situations have also led me to a life crisis in terms of career. I despise competition, I am not cutthroat, I want everyone to be happy with their lives and with me every single second, I have a Type A personality, but I want to be a politician? I had to do a lot of reflecting this summer over what being involved in politics means to me. I reminded myself that I chose this path purely, and only, because I want to help others. I am blessed and have quite a lot of privilege, so I want to use the resources and opportunities available to me to assist those who have less. I value transparency and authenticity, and I think the political realm could use a lot more of both. I vow to remain clean and genuine, and if I ever lose a race because of this, then so be it. One does not have to have a title to make a difference and the issues I want to tackle are much larger than myself and my own goals.

On a more positive note, I have had some AMAZING experiences this past year. I am working on Ilhan Omar’s campaign for Congress (!!!), interned at the Children’s Defense Fund, traveled to Washington D.C., Israel, Palestine, and Canada, worked on some beautiful initiatives in student government and am excited for my role as Ranking At-Large Representative this year, am the Director of Events and Programming for first-year and transfer students in the College of Liberal Arts, have sixty Spotify followers and have made some really great playlists (in my opinion), attended two fraternity formals and a couple wedding receptions, learned lots from a relationship, sang at multiple events, attended football games and concerts, tried new restaurants, lived in my first apartment, obtained some pretty cool Chaco tan lines, and have met a few wonderful people who have added so much to my life. I have laughed just as much as I have cried. This past year produced a lot of great music. Most importantly, after losing myself, I finally feel as though I am finding myself once again. In general, I am high strung and do not have much peace of mind, but I also know who and what grounds me and I am working to have more of those people and things in my life. Sometimes we have to break down in order to break through our issues.

I credit music (follow me on Spotify @natsohni or Natasha Sohni), running, my pillow pet Willie, elephants, puppies, blueberries, sunrises, hugs, water, caramel lattes with almond milk, Twitter, Snapchat stories, and around ten people for helping me through this year. Just know that I am thinking of all of you while writing this blog post at midnight on my birthday. I could write so much more, but I will be expanding on all of this in my blogs to come.

Here’s to no longer being a teenager. Here’s to twenty.

 

Some Thoughts, Questions, and Observations.

          

Many random items have crossed my mind over the past week, so I might as well record them.

I am not a fan of the summertime.

Even though I am not Christian, I feel as though I am at least aware of and have been exposed (both by choice and not by choice) to the basic aspects of Christianity while my Christian friends do not know anything about Hinduism or any other religion to that extent. I am not really religious, so this does not upset me or offend me personally, but it concerns me on a societal level. I have a lot of thoughts on religion / beliefs / spirituality / etc. and I will probably write a blog post about these areas at some point.

How will he know if anything happens to me? Should he know? Does he care about me anymore? Has he forgotten about me? Is he alright? I am not. I miss him and I am not sure I know what to do about it because, honestly, I cannot do anything about it.

One can only trust oneself. People may have good intentions, but no one knows one better than oneself. People can try their bests to make someone feel better, but the sad truth is while appreciated, their efforts will make the smallest dent in filling the void this person feels.

What saddens me most is the one person who can understand my current experience best is the one to whom I cannot speak.

Unfortunately, I relate too much to the song Better Now by Post Malone. The song is great, but I’m sure one would understand why I relate to it if she listens closely to the lyrics (especially from the verses). I relate too much to Mercy by Lewis Capaldi and Burning Bridges by Bea Miller as well.

Waking up naturally to the sun streaming into one’s room is a beautiful thing and I will forever treasure moments such as these.

The Twin Cities have seen quite a bit of rain recently.

A “rainy day” playlist is not a good or qualified “rainy day” playlist if it does not contain Bon Iver.

A Gopher football game is on a Friday this year and I am not sure how I feel about it.

My favorite activity to do with my family is gossiping.

Trump and Kim Jong Un shook hands for an uncomfortably long time.

I have seen a lot of elephant cruelty in the news recently and I will never understand why humans feel so entitled to animals’ lives (and other human lives).

The Minnesotan political world has become more interesting over the past week. I am excited for what is to come.

I have too much trouble sleeping.

I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of self love. That being said, I do not think it is wrong to enjoy loving someone else and experience romance.

Love is not dead.

Child deaths by lead poisoning have decreased significantly in Minnesota since the 1990s.

Netflix keeps removing every show and movie actually worth watching.

Inconveniently, free therapy appointments are not actually free.

I have become too comfortable with crying in public. Additionally, what exhausts me most is awaking to tears streaming down my face. Hopefully this does not continue for too much longer.

The only time I can escape my mind is when I am sleeping, but this makes waking up an extremely unpleasant experience (as one can determine from my previous statements).

A happy relationship does not equate to a healthy relationship, but this does not mean an an unhealthy relationship will always be unhealthy.

Although I am so grateful and have been fortunate enough to travel internationally many times, international flights (and airplanes and airports in general) make me nervous.

Mean people will always exist. Nice people will always exist too.

Rumors establishing Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra’s relationship have been circulating and while I am not a fan of the idea, I will always side with love and I wish them the best.

Gucci slides are priced around three hundred dollars, but so many people buy them.

I am too proud of my Spotify playlists, but I also think I am rightfully so. I will plug them for the rest of my life.

The blueberries I have eaten recently have not tasted as plump and juicy as usual.

I am not a fan of Microsoft Excel, but I am becoming more comfortable with it.

Being surrounded by people will always make me feel better. I guess I am an extrovert for a reason.

I am excited for school to begin even though we are in the midst of summer.

The people in my life are so beautiful and inspiring.

Learning to be okay with solitude is more difficult than it appears.

I have been feeling pretty empty, but this is okay because I do not have to feel otherwise if I truly do not feel it and faking it will not make anything better.

I know I am behind on creating my YouTube channel, but hopefully I’ll do so soon.

So many organizations are doing amazing work and I’m proud to be a part of one such organization.

When you’re eighty, what you will remember most while reflecting on your life are the people who stood by you throughout all of your successes and failures. This is why you should never let go of those who care about you even when things are difficult. Imagine this person standing beside you years down the road. Do not let go of that.

Money has too large of an influence on us.

I rewatched my favorite Gossip Girl episode (Season 1, Episode 13) the other day and I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the show (and life). “People don’t tell you who you are. You tell them.”